Truly controlling or domineering people wouldn't even ask about this - they want something, and that's all that matters. Simple. I don't think they ponder the ethics of it or if they're being fair or not on the other person. It's not usually a part of their character.
So for example, ending the relationship if they’re not engaged by X date, is that cutting your nose off to spite your face?
I don't agree with this one at all. This is a major life decision, and if the other person isn't on board, the other person has the perfect right to find someone else who does have the same goals and values as them.
If only more women did this much sooner, in their 20s, we'd have fewer sad women on here who in their mid 30s - 40s, face a single childless life. We'd also have fewer men who think they can take the piss and drag out a relationship for years whilst they wait for 'The One' to show up in their lives (who is almost always much younger, and who they marry and have babies with in quick succession, no problem).
It's not your job to teach him how to be in a relationship. In fact, I actually don't subscribe to the idea that you need several relationships under your belt to 'learn' how to be in one in a healthy way. Some people benefit from it, but some emotional character traits are genetically ingrained, so a man who is naturally inclined to be generous person will be like that no matter if he hasn't had any relationships before. If you're having issues, it might not be anything to do with the number of relationships he's had previously - it might just be who is, naturally.
I have him the benefit of the doubt many times, now ultimatums feel like I’m bullying him to do as I say or else. It’s making me uncomfortable. I ended our relationship and now I’m having second thoughts because he’s not a bad person, he just doesn’t understand women need romance, passion and attention more than once a month. It overwhelms him. I hate initiating and taking control, but it makes him feel safe
There's a difference in motivation and character between issuing ultimatums to get what you want every time, and doing so because you are desperate for things to work. It sounds to me like you're desperate.
Sometimes, a woman might end up in your situation when she is with someone very selfish, rigid and mean. Not mean as in outwardly nasty, but mean as in stingy. Mean with their time. Mean with their attention and affection. She feels ignored and not listened to.
Others end up in relationship with little boys who like to come across like they need 'help' with everything.......and the poor woman ends up turning into a 2nd mother to an adult man, or a Personal Assistant. They don't realise that their partner is doing a massive number on them.
She ends up having to beg or issue ultimatums just to be treated in a nice way, or even a normal way. Then, perversely, she thinks she's the bad person for wanting things or treatment that most emotionally healthy women would want.
There are men who just don't want or need an emotional relationship like you do. They want a kind hearted woman who will entertain them occasionally when they're bored, be a comforting presence in the background if they get a bit lonely, someone to sooth them if they're a bit anxious, make decisions for them or do relationship admin they can't be bothered to do (like organising to go on holidays or days out). They want a woman on-hand to have sex with, if they need it.
The man's ideal relationship is where they get to put their feet up on the desk, sit back and provide minimum effort & input, whilst the woman fawns and flutters around them, catering to their needs. In return, they are tossed a bone every now and again - some affection or attention when they absolutely have to provide it (such as when the woman threatens to leave).
And that's it. It's a relationship based on them taking, where the woman provides several services, but isn't truly loved and appreciated as a whole human being, and doesn't receive the same back.
Careful you don't get involved in that kind of situation and get involved with someone who is just simply hard work. They're not exactly going to have all of the above tattooed on their forehead, and they won't be honest about it because they know you'll leave if they are.