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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic parent always favouring pet over child

25 replies

hilaryklingon · 18/04/2015 09:58

I've been reading about toxic parents and I haven't read anything about parents favouring pets over their children, does anyone else have this experience?

My father doted on our cat and always favoured the cat over me. I was an only child. If I was sitting in a chair and the cat wanted to sit there, he would threaten to hit me if I didn't immediately get up. If the cat fell asleep on my bed I was not allowed to move him. If the cat scratched me he would say it was my fault. If we were eating dinner and the cat came in he would insist my mother got up to attend to the cat, even if the cat didn't seem to want anything. He also put himself out for the cat, if it fell asleep on his lap he would stay there until the cat woke up, even if he had something important to do or was hungry. Most annoying was the need to leave all the doors ajar in case the cat wanted to come into a room, including bedrooms- this meant no privacy. I remember bringing a boyfriend back for the weekend when I was in my early 20s and he knocked on our bedroom door after we had got into bed and said we must leave it ajar for the cat! He was adamant, and we actually stayed awake until he went to bed, then shut the door and locked it, and I was worried in case he came to check overnight and got angry. I was always worried he would let the cat into the bathroom whilst I was there (no door locks), this never happened, but I think it shows the extremeness of the situation that I considered this a possibility. As he had angry outbursts and was violent, disagreeing openly about the cat wasn't an option, my mother used to shift the sleeping cat when he wasn't around but she went along with his wishes when he was there.

In retrospect it feels like the bloody cat was the golden child! Is this possible?? The cat could do no wrong.

The cat was originally bought by my mother before I was born and she intended it to be a friendly cat. My father didn't want a cat but once she surprised him with it, he became besotted and spoilt the cat. My mum was always upset that the cat was so spoilt and quite nasty and wasn't the friendly cat she had longed for. When the cat died he was really upset, I personally think he kept the cat alive too long when euthanasia would have been kinder, although some cat lovers may disagree.

They now have several cats and he also panders to them and anthropomorphises them, and spends lots of his day dealing with their every whim. For example when I was bringing my baby DC to their house to visit my mother he thought I was coming to visit their dying cat, and he was surprised when I said the purpose of my visit was my mother seeing her GC, not me seeing the cat.

Does anyone else have this experience of an animal being so consistently favoured over them?

OP posts:
hilaryklingon · 18/04/2015 10:06

Another point is that he was adamantly opposed to the cats being neutered, my mother secretly took the cats to the vet to be neutered when he was out for the day, he would not give a reason but was v angry at the idea.

OP posts:
Meerka · 18/04/2015 10:20

sounds like your father should have been a high priest of Bast!

I'm not sure anything could pierce his obsession though. He sounds unbalanced about the creatures.

HumphreyCobbler · 18/04/2015 10:22

It was his way of abusing his family. I am so sorry you had to live with that.

missqwerty · 18/04/2015 10:24

This is by far one of the strangest posts I've read. Why your mother allowed it aswell is beyond me. There is nothing wrong with loving your pets, but this all sounds very unhealthy and unusual.

YouMeddlingKids · 18/04/2015 10:28

How awful for you Sad. No experience of this in particular but I can imagine how, for an abusive parent, a pet who essentially can't talk back, can be controlled and will never grow up and have their own life/opinions would be easier to have a relationship with than a real person. I hope you can see this as a failure in your Dad to be able to parent, rather than anything about you or anything you did.

hilaryklingon · 18/04/2015 10:33

Also he wasn't acting in the cats' best interests, the first cat was overweight because he fed it so much, and got into fights until my mum had him secretly snipped. The later group of cats weren't able to figure out a cat hierarchy to live together as he would arbitrate between their disagreements, and he invented a complicated system whereby different cats had different rooms in the house so they never met, and we had to escort them around if they were crossing each others spaces.

Yes it was probably about control.

I do laugh about it now, but as a child it was confusing and upsetting.

OP posts:
base9 · 18/04/2015 10:40

I know a family like this. It's the father and a dog but similar otherwise. Yes, he loves the dog more than his dc. I think he is mentally ill, but it is undeniably also abusive to his dc and dw. The dc's mother does little to intervene (he loves the dog more than her, too). It seems to be some sort of control issue mixed up with a fear of human relationships, from what I 've seen. I have no idea why it's tolerated. But I sympathise and it is very abusive, and good for you figuring it all out. It must be very hard to see from the middle of it.

Aussiebean · 18/04/2015 10:41

Toxic parents yes, this no.

My guess would be that in one sense it was a control thing. Made you and your mum clear on where you stand in his esteem.

I would also think that cats are easier to deal with then humans. You feed them, look after them and they don't question you or talk back.

Humans though, question and talk back. I would imagine that was a big no no so he made sure those humans knew where they stand

Footle · 18/04/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greymalkin · 18/04/2015 10:51

I've experienced something similar.

We always had dogs when I was growing up, everyone of them was beaten and abused at various points for minor transgressions (like digging a small hole), my brother and I witness these beatings when we were as young as five or six.

There were two dogs our Father particularly doted on. One was a psychotic Mastif that was downright dangerous and it was only after it killed 20 chickens, attacked three dogs and three people (my brother included) that it had to be put down. Our Father tried make me the one to decide if it lived or not (I was 12 at the time). He sobbed like a child and held it in his arms as the vet put it to sleep.
The second dog was a staffie cross that was spoilt beyond belief. We had to make room for it to sleep on the sofa or our beds (I chucked it off and was accused of being cruel and unfeeling). My mum had to make it a dish of tea to drink in the mornings and each of us were pressured to share our own food with it.

I ended up hating the animals because it felt as if they were loved more / had more worth than we did.

Mum always used to say, he loved the animals more because they couldn't argue back and he could bully them more easily than us and they were too stupid to realise. Sad

lunalelle · 18/04/2015 10:56

Of course it would be confusing and upsetting! I adore my pets but they wouldn't come before husband and DCs.

I think it is some kind of mental illness.

TheCowThatLaughs · 18/04/2015 13:59

He wanted to control and abuse his family and chose the cat as a way of doing this. Maybe it was also to punish your mum for getting the cat when he didn't want it. If it wasn't the cat, he would have controlled and abused you anyway. The cat was a master stroke though, the sheer weirdness of his behaviour must have kept his family guessing and trying to understand him, but imo it was simply that he was a nasty bully.

Ratfinkandbobo · 18/04/2015 14:56

your dad is an abusive control freak and utterly bonkers.
Sorry you had such a shit and weird childhoodFlowers
How do you feel about cats now?

MyRightFoot · 18/04/2015 18:45

could your dad be on the autistic spectrum?

Elfina · 18/04/2015 19:33

That's not just toxic parenting, it's full on emotional abuse. So sorry for you. Flowers

msreddotty · 18/04/2015 22:17

I don't have toxic parents. But I have had for nearly 15 years sibling rivalry, to a dog. When living at home every thing was about the dog. They became OCDish about him ever being left alone, so he NEVER is! They have always let him dictate their life. Now, when I take my dd to visit, they tell her/me shes distressing the dog, which she doesn't at all. We can't enjoy family attractions etc as most aren't dog friendly.

Your fathers was quite extreme, but I get what you mean about a pet being the golden 'child'. Even now I'd probably say I'm jealous of the love and attention he gets!

CrazyCatLady13 · 18/04/2015 22:24

My mum is the same with her dogs. She refused to leave it as little as 10 minutes as it 'sulked'.

When I was admitted to hospital in an emergency, my DH called her to let her know and to say he'd pick her up so she could come and see me. She'd be away from the dog for a couple of hours. She said she could only come if she could find a dog sitter.

The dog killed one of my pets (broke into the gerbil's cage and bit it to death before I could reach her), also a wild bird and a duckling (that I know of) yet she couldn't understand why I didn't want it in my house and refused to visit.

She couldn't stay long at my wedding as she couldn't leave the dog alone as it sulked.

Finally confronted her, a few months after the dog had died. She said she could see how I saw it like that, but didn't apologise.

My lovely DSIS then lost a daughter at about 20 weeks pregnant, and my mum compared her loss to that of her losing her dog (within hearing range of Dsis). I was speechless.

I'm now low contact, due to this and other issues.

ArabellaStrange · 18/04/2015 22:26

Yes my mother definitely did this to a degree with many different animals over the years. She would deny it if asked but her actions clearly demonstrated that she held the animals in higher regard than she did my sister or myself.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/04/2015 05:03

I have several memories of my grandfather telling me and my cousins how much he loved their dog. "He's a very loved dog. A very loved dog." Whilst stroking the dog.

No memories of him saying he loved any of us.

It didn't really affect me as my parents were very aware that he was toxic so we didn't see them much. My aunt was a lot more sucked in though and I think my cousins were affected.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 19/04/2015 05:20

could your dad be on the autistic spectrum?

Are you serious? Hmm

hilaryklingon · 19/04/2015 11:51

CrazyCat, so sorry to hear your story about your mother, sadly I think my father would probably voice similar sentiments. Did you find confronting her about it helpful? I find the situation so extreme that I wouldn't even know where to begin, I find it challenging to tell other people about it because it sounds so ridiculous, I almost feel embarrassed that my family and I tolerated this behaviour, and I see that people don't know how to react to these stories.

Odd how some people can't bear seeing an animal upset, e.g. at being left whilst you attend your daughter's wedding or at not getting a particular chair, but are seemingly unaffected by seeing people- including their own family- upset. Do they project themselves into the animal? Do they find the animal easier to relate to? Does the animal represent something to them? Or is it just about control of their family, and the animal is a tool to achieve this?

OP posts:
hilaryklingon · 19/04/2015 11:54

How do you feel about cats now? I leap at any opportunity to turf one out of a chair Smile

OP posts:
hilaryklingon · 19/04/2015 11:56

My lovely DSIS then lost a daughter at about 20 weeks pregnant, and my mum compared her loss to that of her losing her dog (within hearing range of Dsis). this is repugnant.

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady13 · 19/04/2015 21:26

I found confronting her very helpful. My dad could hear us getting upset but DH told him to leave us to it - he knew it was coming for a long time. Nothing changed of course, but it was great to relieve the pressure.

I am an animal person, with 4 cats, a tortoise and 2 turtles, but have no hesitation in leaving them to go to work / shopping / out for the night etc and arrange pet sitters as needed if we go on holiday.

Unfortunately, the comment about Dsis's baby vs her dog came after the confrontation. There were about 20 people round on Boxing Day, about 2 weeks after Dsis had lost her daughter. I distracted my sister straight away and hope she didn't hear.

I've managed to accept (mostly!) that her priorities are different to mine and most people. The strange thing is that now this particular dog has died, and my dad is now obsessive over the other dog that they have just like mum was - it's now him that won't leave the dog alone. At least this dog isn't nasty and behaves around my house and animals, although one of my cats did wallop her. Dad wasn't upset surprisingly, but as he was the one egging her on to get closer to the cat it was really his fault!

I think they need to feel that they're needed totally, it makes them feel valued. Having a pet is less complicated than having a relationship with a human being, it's a easy way to get loved I suppose.

CrazyCatLady13 · 19/04/2015 21:35

I should add that I've always been there for my mum, I was the only one of 4 of us to visit her in hospital every day when she's been admitted. When she was having difficulties with my little sister who was in a violent relationship at 15, getting pregnant at 16, and I lived an hour away, she'd ring me in tears and I'd end up going over to hers after work most evenings. I was in my early 20s and found it so difficult being her support, but I did it. This is the same sister who can do no wrong now.

My lovely Dsis is now pregnant again and nearly half way along. Mum went to visit her a couple of weeks ago and made her feel that mum wished it was younger sister who was pregnant, as she's been trying for a while (already has a daughter so no fertility issues that we know of). My lovely Dsis was in tears over this, she deserves much better.

We both know that the pecking order puts the dog and little sister over both of us. It hurts but we do accept it to a certain extent. Both of us are low contact.

It's been hard for me to accept that mum will never be there for me the way I was for her. About 10 years ago my DH left suddenly, and I had a suicidal breakdown and was in a psych unit for a few weeks. I had to move back to mum & dad's house. I had the spare room but wasn't allowed to move mum's ornaments to put my own there, or move the towels from the cupboard to put my clothes there, despite there being another spare room. I ended up getting a house by myself within 6 months of this, against doctor's orders, as I needed space to call my own.

My little sister then broke up from her abusive bf, came back with her daughter, and was allowed to make the room her own.

Sorry for derailing thread, I guess I'm still working out my issues!

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