Just found out I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do...

[ImSpiralling]

I'm 42, have one DD aged five who I adore. I was desperate to have a second child years ago, but other half wasn't keen so it never happened. We've got a great life - relationship is good, he's an excellent dad, we have a house, financially stable etc.

I've just found out I'm pregnant, absolutely not expected (we took precautions, but obviously not failsafe). I would have been overjoyed at this news four years ago, but now all I feel is panic. I feel like I'm too old to go back to the start again. I'm going to be in my fifties when they are in primary school. What the hell do I do?!

Terminate? Are you in the UK?

I'm in the UK.

42 isn't too old, and we have a 5 year age gap.

Suggest you breathe and discuss with your partner. Then go from there. No snap decisions.

What does your partner think/said?

Personally I’d make it work if you can but in all reality and kindly we don’t know the specifics of your home life/finances etc

You’re safe then if you choose to not proceed with the pregnancy. Wishing you the best 💓

Take some time to think it all through, 5 years isn’t too big an age gap if that’s a worry, she’ll likely be a great help and an age she can be more excited for a sibling than she would have been years before (and I say this as someone who had 2 under 2).

That being said, if you’re happy in your current life and really don’t want a baby right now then it’s perfectly fine to have a termination. Neither decision is going to be easy when it’s a shock, so just take some time to think about the consequences of going through each, discuss with your partner and see where you’re at in a weeks time or so. I’m assuming you’re very early so there’s no immediate rush? ❤️

Take some time to think about what you want to do, and then discuss it with your OH.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs or the right stuff happens but at the wrong time, and of course it's overwhelming.

But you wanted a second child. Now you have a chance of having one. 42 isn't objectively too old - there are lots of mums having children, especially second or subsequent ones, at that age. And yes, you'll have a child in primary school at 50, but an 8yo is very different from a toddler.

So it isn't objectively too late and you haven't missed the boat. But of course, it may be too late for you, or it may be that now it's happened, you realise that a second child isn't the right thing for you.

It sounds like this is quite a complicated decision for you which is exactly why you shouldn't rush it.

It depends what's more important to you. The nice life and healthy child that you already have, or having another baby. It really boils down that, and of course what your husband thinks. Personally I'd rather walk across hot coals than be doing school pick ups when I'm 50 or worrying about a teenager when I'm 60. And obviously life becomes much more of a balancing act with two kids. But I only had one child for those reasons so it's personal choice.

If it were me, I would definitely take some time. There's nothing wrong with having a termination if that's what you feel is right for you.

Also, if it were me, I would probably look into NIPT testing, and maybe an early private scan. I would do this, personally, because the chances of chromosomal abnormalities that would lead to miscarriage are higher at 42, and personally, I would want to know quickly. I had a 7 week scan at a clinic (do check it's a reputable person doing it, not one of the cutesy 'see your bubba!' experiences), and it reassured me that, at least at this stage, it was not a missed miscarriage. Likewise I think I would want NIPT (which can be done very early, and is totally non-invasive) because it then avoids the heartbreak of committing to the pregnancy only to find it can't continue.

I'm saying this as someone who's 41 and pregnant; I'm not in the same boat as I did IVF for this pregnancy and tested the embryos. But if I hadn't tested, I would have wanted to know about chromosomal issues, simply because it's the commonest cause of miscarriage and I would not have wanted to get invested in a pregnancy, possibly for weeks on end, that had no chance of working out.

Whatever you decide is fine (that should go without saying, but just in case it doesn't). Lots of love.

Sounds like you need to take a time out to properly consider what you want OP. How much has really changed in 4 months - you wanted this, so allow yourself time to realise your dream has come true.
I had the same reaction with my firstborn and he was a very much planned baby. It’s just a huge shock regardless of age. Good luck!

You don’t have to rush to make decision immediately. If you have time, take some deep breaths and sit with it for a day or two and see how you feel then. Talk it over with your partner if you can.

I also found out I was pregnant at 42 a few months ago, I also have a 5 year old, but I also have a 9 and 7 year old. We are happily married with a lovely life and our family was complete. I contemplated terminating but mainly because a 4th child brings along even more expense when we already have 3. I also worried about the possibility of disabilities etc which had it happened with the first 3 we'd have just accepted, but with already having 3 children who are healthy and a lovely life we realised it would be unfair to ruin their lives.

We decided to keep it but if the NIPT test came back and it was confirmed to have downs syndrome etc we wouldnt continue. I paid private for the NIPT and everything came back as "not detected" so we are continuing, I did it as early as possible (10 weeks is the very earliest but you need a scan to confirm you are at least 10 weeks to ensure there is enough fetal dna in your blood). This was important for me as I wouldn't contemplate a termination over 12 weeks. If anything is found at the 20 week scan in a few weeks, well so be it. My main worry was age related increases in chromosomal abnormalities, I think I would feel the blame landed at our feet for having a child so old, if anything else is found it is just bad luck (we are very healthy, keep ourselves fit and have a healthy lifestyle).

I'm not sure what your arguments against are, if it is just age, you were pretty old when you had the first, does 5 years make that much difference in the grand scheme of things? If you just don't want another baby well that's fine (you obviously aren't going to share the ins and outs of your life here, so maybe there is something else?), but I wouldn't fixate on the age thing, it isn't like you had your first at 22 and a 5 year age gap isn't "big".

We've not had a chance to speak properly, just talk on the phone. But he has said he would support me 100% either way. To be fair it's come as a huge shock to him too, so he's not really had a chance to process his thoughts either...

Shock is the right word. Very early, only a few weeks.

Thank you for your message, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

The possibility of health issues with the baby given my age is really worrying me so really appreciate your advice around the early testing.

Thanks for your message - it was four years rather than months that I was wanting to try for another. It's just over the last few years I feel like I have so much less energy, and having closed a chapter on the early years feels such a big thing to go back.

Thanks so much for your message. I think the age thing is so daunting for me is because all you read is how much more likely health issues are once you hit 40, and I also feel like my energy levels have dropped so considerably over the last few years. Unfortunately I've not been so diligent at keeping myself fit which is probably a lot of it.

I think these things happen for a reason, and I doubt you’d regret keeping it. Entirely up to you though. Definitely give yourself time to process it

42 isn't old these days our last ones were single at 41 and twins 42 to add to our brood...didn't bother with any tests etc as they would be loved no matter what...All went well and twins about to turn 2 soon

Yeah, I understand that worry. FWIW for a lot of things, the risks remain pretty small, though.

Please ignore if this is not useful (and there are, of course, worries that are not to do with chromosomal abnormalities), but FWIW, I used to think that because mums over 40 had higher risk of having children with Down's Syndrome, that must mean we had higher risks of all the chromosomal disorders. We don't. Most chromosmal disorders are not related to maternal age. I found it helpful, just for me, to know that. There's some relation to paternal age, but it's less dramatic and kicks in less early (ie., with men who are quite a bit older).

I don't want to be snippy, but FWIW ... lots of people test even if their child would be 'loved no matter what'. It's not necessarily about love, but about preparation.

I would add that not wanting to go through with it can also be a part of wanted pregnancies. With my second I had IVF but in the first trimester I had these few days of contemplating a termination, I think I was just overwhelmed by finally being pregnant after all the stress and waiting. It was more like a “let’s jump off this cliff” feeling than actually seriously thinking about it, but just to say I think pregnancy is so overwhelming that you don’t have to feel 100% about wanting it every day.

I had a surprise baby in November, 2 years after we had started trying and were told we had unexplained secondary infertility. For all we had longed for a second child, we had both come to terms that our daughter would be an only and we were completely accepting of that. I had some quite negative thoughts about the pregnancy at the beginning too.

Anyway… I’m 42 with a 6 month old baby and a 4 year old, my partner is 45. Our relationship is actually stronger than it has been since before having kids and in all honesty I’m absolutely loving mat leave and being a parent the second time around - there hasn't been any of the shock, anxiety and living in survival mode like it is the first time. Our kids bonded really quickly as well and big sister is a great help.

Op, I think you need to give yourself time to get over the shock before you make any decisions, as shock can cloud your judgement.