Step dad but not a real dad

[loststepdad]

Hey sorry if this is in the wrong place. I feel this is more of a vent rather than anything else: I am sure there are people who will read this and understand my points and my pain but there will be others who think I am totally wrong: I am married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years and she is on this app and will likely read this. We have two kids in there late teens. They are my step kids and I love them like they are mine. But they are not. I have always wanted kids and I thought when I got married that would be the case but it is not. My wife does not want any more kids. I can understand after all this time we are getting to the point where the kids will be leaving home and becoming adults themselves but I can’t help but feel I am missing something. I don’t have that person to call me dad. I know it is only a word but it is everything that goes with it. I love my family but there is a missing piece and I don’t know what to do or how to fill it. The answer was clear no more kids and that is that. Again not sure why I am posting this and not sure what do gain other than just getting it out. Ma

That is probably something that you should have discussed before you got marri3d.

You have 2 choices, deal with it or leave her and find someone who does want kids.

wow the cut and dry. May I ask you something. Do you have kids of your own?

Yes and step kids. What's your point?

I agree with the first comment. Did you not discuss wanting children before marriage?
Also, are you hoping that your wife will see this and recognise herself? It almost seems like you're issuing an ultimatum via MN.

My point you have kids of your own. Who love you more than life itself. I don’t. We discussed having kids and it was always on the cards then one day it was not and I have to accept that she now does not want more kids. Imagine it from my point of view. The person you love and plan to spend your remaining days on earth with just told you that you won’t ever be a dad and then moves on with her day like she never just destroyed you and I know that is not what she meant to do and I know I can’t make her change her mind. I was just looking for some understanding rather than leave her or get over it

Agreed...seems a fairly shitty way to end your marriage.

And for the record the comment in my first post is exactly the response given to women who marry men who have kids already and don't want more.

I wanted children of my own. So I married a man who I knew wanted the same thing. I didn’t marry someone without having that conversation and making my feelings clear.

You want to use MN to garner sympathy and for us to berate " the woman you love " in an attempt to what..... change her mind? Or just shame her for not wanting another child.

Your options are to leave, find someone else to have a child with or get over it and stay.

But those are your choices.

Unless she started v young if she has kids ready to leave home surely she is getting to an age where she can't have more kids?

Wow people are ruthless on here. Damn not one person can see it from my point of view. Also there is no ultimatum on MN. This a new account and nothing would point to who I am or who she is. I was looking for someone to see it from where I am. She said she wanted kids with me and now she does not. That is her choice and more power to her for making her own decisions and sticking to them. My point is she expects me to accepted and move on. That is what I am finding hard

How old are you both?

You should tell her how you feel, get joint counselling and if she doesn’t change her mind, leave.

Stepparenting is not the same as parenting.

OP, I sympathise, and it seems from what you say that your wife changed her mind about having more children. She is entitled to do that, but it would not be unreasonable for you say that you haven't changed your mind, and so if she doesn't want children with you then you will have to move on.
Realistically, your choices are a) stay and put up with her decision b) try to change her mind and c) leave and try to find someone else to have a family with. Do you know why she has changed her mind?
There's no point in assigning blame here, but if you don't both want the same thing, one of you will have to change your mind, or you jointly call it a day.

She doesn't want children so there's nothing to discuss. There is no "your point of view".

It is hard. You had hoped for your own children and that is now off the table for whatever reason.
You do now have a serious choice to make with regards to your marriage.

Posters don't sugercoat on here and that can seem ruthless.

Your POV doesn't matter though, you have choices you can make but that's it.

They aren’t wrong though, those are your options.

There are some really pointless behaviours you can indulge in, like being angry with her about it, punishing her by sulking, raising it in arguments whenever you aren’t getting your way- but those won’t give you children.

I know it’s hard emotionally, but it’s pretty much the same message and the same feelings for those women who are getting towards the end of their fertility window. Leave and try with someone else, or stay and make the best of it.

For what it’s worth,I’ve been a foster carer and grown attached to children who I can’t ultimately call mine. It sucks.

How well do you get on with your step children? If things are going well, you may get to be a grandad. They tend not to be ‘step’.

Her existing children are in their late teens. It would be a heck of a big deal to start the baby stage all over again now. She has a right to decide against that. Just as you have a right to decide which matters more to you, the possibility of your own children, or your relationship.

How long have you been together? how old were the kids when you got together and when did she say yes to more kids and then when did she change her mind?

I have a lot of sympathy if you were together and then got married with the plan being to have more children. Someone changing their mind at that point is really hard on the other partner.

I have less sympathy if it was never properly discussed.

Either way, you have to decide what's more important to you - your wife, and the Step chidren you have, or the possibility of your own children. How old are you? That is also a factor becuase if you're older, it might not be practical to go and find a new partner who is young enough and wants children with an older father.

So sorry her rights and her pov are more important than my rights and my non existent POV. Isla the roles were reversed I would think this tread would have taken a different turn: I thank you all for your honest advise. I live in misery or explode my life and start over at 36. I never mentioned leaving my wife or trying to get the internet to change her mind. I simply wanted someone to understand what I am feeling.

How long ago was she saying she may have kids with you? When did she tell you she didn’t want any more kids?

TBH it's the truth though. If you want kids and she doesn't there's no compromise. If my husband had said he didn't want kids but here you go, I already have a couple you could play with, I'd be out the door. Literally your only choice is accept it and not have your own children or don't accept it, leave and find someone who does want children. 36 isn't too old, and no matter how much you love her/her kids love won't survive such a fundamental disagreement. Sometimes harsh is the best thing.

she changed her mind last year and said that she does not want kids and I left it at that. We then discussed it again last and week it she was firm on no more kids.

It’s a shame, but you can’t both get your way. People aren’t being mean, just practical. And the thread goes the same way with a woman posting.

The only difference between a man and a woman in your situation, is the ability to go it alone. A woman can consider being a solo mum more easily than a man can. A man needs to find someone to do the dangerous and arduous work of pregnancy for him. That’s only going to be done by someone desperate for money (surrogacy, with generous expenses), or wanting a child themselves.

Your rights are to stay or leave op, how many times do you have to be told and in reverse it would be different because the nature of womens fertility is different than a mans, you are 36, you are young enough to still have children, you have decades of time to have children.