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Original poster

Confused by daughters boyrfriend choice?

71 replies

worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:08

Hello Everyone,

I am all very new at this and i am desperately in need of some wisdom. My 18YDD recently got her first boyfriend. He seems like a nice kid but a bit overly needy and honestly a total lack of ambition (hes barely passing college/plays video games till 3AM on school nights). DD on the other hand has big ambitions, straight A student and going to Oxbridge. However she suffers from low confidence and panics a bit in exams. And if i am honest she hasnt had much exposure to boys having attended all girls schools and maybe has a low self esteem.

This forum has been incredibly valuable, and i have used all the advice i have found on here. I have been open to him/listened to her and never judged. Acting more as a sounding bored than any form of judgement. After all she is 18 and free to make her own decisions.

My big concern is his neediness will take over her life, and she will lose focus away from her exams, at this cruical stage. And with his lack of ambition i dont want him to drag her down, and make her life miserable long term.

So my Question is this...

As a man i have always been told, that neediness is one of the most unattractive qualities in a man. So why is she not put off by this?

As mentioned she is free to make her own discussions. I just naturally worry. And i am curious as to why a brilliant young woman, full of promise, is attracted to an overly needy and unambitious young guy.

I just dont get it!

Thanks so much for reading this.

OP posts:
EasilyPleased · 20/05/2026 22:12

He’s unthreatening.

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:13

Thats a really good take. Do you think she finds most boys threatning?

OP posts:
AutumnAllTheWay · 20/05/2026 22:15

I think alot of women/ girls are attracted to men who are needy. Especially caring ones.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

18 years old General parenting
newrubylane · 20/05/2026 22:16

My first boyfriend at 17 was like this. It did wear thin eventually. But he was a safe choice and adored me. I was flattered. It didn't last long once I got to university and the world opened up somewhat!

GoodVibesHere · 20/05/2026 22:16

You see her as a brilliant young woman but that might not be how she sees herself. Young women often have low self-esteem. Mayne she just enjoys the attention and/or affection from him.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 20/05/2026 22:17

I was a very ambitious 18 year old working very hard at uni, also had a job. Set up my own business at 23, had 3 by the age of 40. DH, who I met at 18, was a stoner and a music obsessive - listened to his tunes lain on the floor every night since he was 14 and he is 51 now! He is also a fantastic cook, a good listener, a gifted party host, and a fantastic lover. I wouldn't be with anyone else, he has never earned more than minimum wage.

Most importantly a truly brilliant and dedicated father who, having no ambitions of his own beyond having a laugh and being a decent bloke, was able to help both his kids achieve all of theirs.

Don't project your values onto her, let her find her own way and find out who he is as a person, you are very judgemental!

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:18

@newrubylane this is ressuaring and i hope it plays out this way. DD is a big nerd (like me) but this doesnt ever read books. So hoping her mind and options will be expanded at uni....if he doesnt stop her from getting there.

OP posts:
Nogimachi · 20/05/2026 22:19

Many women love to feel needed, and feel they can “help” someone.

I wonder if you could honestly share your concerns with her in a gentle way when the opportunity arises. As a straight A student, she has so many potential opportunities.

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:20

@faithfultoGeorgeMichael ....but was your man needy boredering on obessive?

OP posts:
EasilyPleased · 20/05/2026 22:20

worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:13

Thats a really good take. Do you think she finds most boys threatning?

Look, maybe it’s an intelligent, self-protective first choice. She’s choosing someone way out of her league (as in, under her league) who is not going to distract her from her own future. He’s a starter boyfriend. She’ll go to university, to somewhere her intelligence and work ethic is normal, and her world will open up.

MyThreeWords · 20/05/2026 22:22

I'm surprised that you have been told that neediness is 'one of the most unattractive qualities in a man'. I wonder how on earth the people who told you this feel that they are able to make this generalisation.

I don't think you need to understand your daughter's choice of a boyfriend. Presumably she simply likes him and doesn't view his neediness as a problem, or at least not one that outweighs his good qualities. Everyone is an individual, with individual preferences. There isn't a set of rules about who is attractive.

The one thing you need to expect of him is that he treats your daughter with respect. Beyond that, yes, there is the danger that her relationships (with any boyfriend) may disrupt her academic focus. But that is just part of the unavoidable perils of youth and inexperience, really.

BurnoutBee · 20/05/2026 22:23

Oh we’ve all been there, well I certainly have. Awful starter boyfriend. Hopefully she moves on quick when she goes to uni.

TheDenimPoet · 20/05/2026 22:24

Other than what the others have already said.. he's her first boyfriend. We all cringe when we look back at who we chose when we were teenagers!

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:24

@MyThreeWords

clearly i should have been on here 20years ago when i was on the dating scene! I too often held back showing too much interest ! wish i had some decent advice back then.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 20/05/2026 22:31

Maybe I'm unusual, but at 18 I was completely driven by chemistry in relationships. I never once stopped to consider if it was the right person for me.
My parents never really had conversations with me about relationships. "Neediness " can translate go coercive control. Maybe I would have been more thoughtful about relationships if a parent had gently had that conversation with me when I was younger.

Johnsmithallenjones · 20/05/2026 22:34

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 20/05/2026 22:17

I was a very ambitious 18 year old working very hard at uni, also had a job. Set up my own business at 23, had 3 by the age of 40. DH, who I met at 18, was a stoner and a music obsessive - listened to his tunes lain on the floor every night since he was 14 and he is 51 now! He is also a fantastic cook, a good listener, a gifted party host, and a fantastic lover. I wouldn't be with anyone else, he has never earned more than minimum wage.

Most importantly a truly brilliant and dedicated father who, having no ambitions of his own beyond having a laugh and being a decent bloke, was able to help both his kids achieve all of theirs.

Don't project your values onto her, let her find her own way and find out who he is as a person, you are very judgemental!

This is one of the nicest comments I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:38

@JLou08 thank you for this comment. Are there any warning signs/red flags i should look out for with regards to cohersive control?

OP posts:
powersthatbe · 20/05/2026 22:38

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 20/05/2026 22:17

I was a very ambitious 18 year old working very hard at uni, also had a job. Set up my own business at 23, had 3 by the age of 40. DH, who I met at 18, was a stoner and a music obsessive - listened to his tunes lain on the floor every night since he was 14 and he is 51 now! He is also a fantastic cook, a good listener, a gifted party host, and a fantastic lover. I wouldn't be with anyone else, he has never earned more than minimum wage.

Most importantly a truly brilliant and dedicated father who, having no ambitions of his own beyond having a laugh and being a decent bloke, was able to help both his kids achieve all of theirs.

Don't project your values onto her, let her find her own way and find out who he is as a person, you are very judgemental!

This is a great post and hopefully insightful for the OP. Although i dont agree when you say he is being very judgemental! I think he has very normal opinions that one might form/onserve about ones DD and their BF and is willing to open himself up to challenge here and thats a good thing.

ClayPotaLot · 20/05/2026 22:48

On the immediate concern regarding her A levels - Is your relationship and parenting style such that you putting a ban on the boyfriend on weeknight evenings (or maybe even Sunday thru Friday) until exams are done would be accepted? Because given the stakes I would be very tempted to do that providing it wasn't going to push her more into his sphere of influence, which would be a big risk with most teens.

I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of ambition, providing he is supportive of her dreams. They don't have to both be super ambitious and, in fact, two super ambitious people often have a hard time as a couple as there's less give available.

But the neediness is really worrying. It's almost always controlling but in a way where any attempt to stand up to it will come across as a bit mean to many of her friends, and probably to her. And that needy obsessiveness can be really comforting to someone with low esteem as it comes across as valuing rather than controlling her. So maybe look at resources that discuss coercive control in teen relationships?

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:55

@ClayPotaLot great comment and i agree, the neediness is the biggest worry.

I have been reading up about coercive control and there are a few red flags:

  • Talks about his toxic ex, but never takes any blame himself.
  • Gives her way many gifts (like every week)...lovebombing?
  • She went to prom for school, he wandered around nearby for two hours waiting for her to finish.
  • Got jealous of a photo of her where a boy was sitting next to her.
  • After 6 weeks told her he loved her, and gave her a necklace proclaiming his love...lovebombing?
  • After 6 weeks saying he will drive up to university to visit her regularly.
OP posts:
Dodorogers · 20/05/2026 22:59

worriedabit · 20/05/2026 22:18

@newrubylane this is ressuaring and i hope it plays out this way. DD is a big nerd (like me) but this doesnt ever read books. So hoping her mind and options will be expanded at uni....if he doesnt stop her from getting there.

Neediness very quickly and easily becomes control so you are right to be worried, just do everything you can to make sure she goes to uni without him in tow by being someone she can talk to who can question without judgement and pushiness

Dodorogers · 20/05/2026 23:01

Dodorogers · 20/05/2026 22:59

Neediness very quickly and easily becomes control so you are right to be worried, just do everything you can to make sure she goes to uni without him in tow by being someone she can talk to who can question without judgement and pushiness

Show quote history

Also you sound like an absolutely brilliant dad

Original poster
worriedabit · 20/05/2026 23:02

Thanks to @Dodorogers thats very kind.

OP posts:
ButterYellowFlowers · 20/05/2026 23:04

Who has told you neediness is unattractive? Other men? Plenty of women find it unattractive but equally many women love being needed - especially women with low self esteem who derive meaning and fulfilment from being needed by others.

Empress13 · 20/05/2026 23:08

I would imagine once she leaves for uni she will make new friends/boyfriend and he will be a thing of the past