Setting up a joint bills account when one partner overspends

[the7Vabo]

Recently hit a crisis point with DH when it comes to money.

Im the higher earner, but not hugely significantly, difference is a few hundred net a month. I’m also the lower spender quite significantly.

I didn’t realise quite how much the spending disparity was, until we both wrote out how much we spent in the last month. My splurge is lunch out out work. His is lunch out, take away, golf membership & the pub. Which all add up.

I also do all the admin when it comes to finances. I arrange the mortgage, childcare, electric bill, kids hobbies etc etc. Up until now DH has been transferring me X amount per month.

I want to sent up a joint bills account so that DH has actual sight of mortgage payments etc.

He has asked me to take more money from him as if he doesn’t have it he can’t spend it. This is too passive for me. I’m tired of being the one who looks after almost every bill. I feel DH is like a young adult living at home where he pays a certain amount & then never thinks of it again.

I wrote out all that I spend down to the detail of literally everytime there is a kids party I buy the present as an education piece.

Any advice on how to manage a joint account re what people generally pay out of it?

There are two separate issues here:

• him overspending
• you taking on all the life admin

A joint account can fix the first because he can separate out his disposable income.
But visibility of the joint account won’t fix the second. He will actually need to be responsible for spending that money (paying bills, buying presents etc.)

We sit down and budget together when we get paid. So all the money into one joint account and then we budget for bills, expenses and savings, and then agree on 'fun money' amount for that period and transfer that out to our individual accounts.

I think it works very well and we can only "splurge" from our personal accounts.

I’m sorry but if it’s you that had the problem with his over spending ( and he can afford it) then it should be you that Tates steps to change it as it’s bothering you. I’m not saying don’t get the joint account, great idea but all it takes is a weekly/monthly standing order to divert money out of his account and into savings etc. it’s very little actual effort and the long term difference would possibly be life changing for you? Plus in my marriage it’s a partnership. That doesn’t always mean equal, but it means we both play to our own strengths and it’s fair.

I can’t work due to illness but my DH works full time. Ten years ago he was in 4k of debt when we didn’t live together. I took over his finances, set up standing orders, arranged payment plans etc. He went from a credit reference that was firmly in the red to being a home owner within 4 years. 6 years in and we have almost paid the mortgage off. He tells everybody how I’m a money magician…. I’m not, I just automated his bills and set up a piggy back spending account with an auto transfer of his £60 a week fun money while his main bill paying account is left alone. Every few months I sweep anything above £1k into the mortgage overpayment and every April I update standing orders with price increases/drops. That’s it. But because i do” the money stuff “ in exchange he does the twice weekly poo pick up for our 3 dogs and I definitely got the better part of that deal!

We pull a set amount each from the bank after payday and it's ours to do what we want with it. If one of us dips into the current account, we get less next month to compensate.
My husband used to overspend too so know how you feel

To be clear he can “afford it” because he was transferring me very little in comparison to our actual bills so yes he is over spending because I’m paying most of the bills.

To be very clear I’m not asking whether he is over spending. We sat down & looked at our finances & he clearly is. He agrees & is apologetic about it.

We both work, in our dynamic, I will do the admin but I will not let him be blind to our finances. I want him to actually see the amounts coming in & out of our account.

The sweeper idea is helpful.

The way we deal with this is to pool all finances into a joint account and then take an equal amount of ‘pocket money’ that can be used for personal spends, that goes back into our own accounts and the other doesn’t need to know what is being bought! That way doesn’t matter who is the splurger, and we can still meet our joint goals in terms of bills, savings etc.

Do this, with the agreement that neither of you spend from the joint account for personal spending.

You each get your agreed half of the personal spending budget, after all joint costs and savings have been met, sent to a separate account. You both then spend or save this as you wish. He will probably need to cut back and prioritise to avoid running out of money. You will likely build up loads of savings if you don't increase your spending as it's likely you'll be allocated more money than previously.

Also involve him in the monitoring of the joint account, so have him sit with you when you do the admin.

sounds like you married a man child.

How any couple, especially one that has children doesn't have a grown up way of managing their money is beyond me. It should be a joint activity, both should share the load of understanding what's coming in, what's going out.

I wouldn’t pool finances fully with him. Im more thinking a bills account which we each pay % of reflecting our income.

It’s really hit me hard how much he’s been spending the last few years. He didn’t know how much our outgoings were, and I didn’t realise his net income was so high. Our gross incomes look at lot further apart.

As one example, I recently paid the property tax (not in UK) on my own and in the same month I also paid the school voluntary contribution (which given the level they chase for it is not so voluntary). When I mentioned how high the property tax was he looked concerned for me for about a minute & then I’d say forgot about it. I’m not even sure he knew there was property tax, he lives in La La land.

After I paid the property tax I decided not to buy my usual salad for lunch & bought a wrap half the price. I’ve also set up a pocket account in my current account & everytime I forgo a treat to save money like my weekly hot chocolate i put the money in that pocket & think to myself I’ll put it towards the kids education.

When I saw his spending in comparison to that I could weep. Well over £100 on what he labelled “pints & pizza” on top of takeaway money, lunch out money & a golf membership.

I’ve also always paid for our holiday accommodation (on top of everything else), & he doesn’t even acknowledge it. We often stay separately to the group we go with because I find us a cheaper place, so it’s cheaper “for us” which in reality is cheaper for me. I have felt like a tight arse doing it but they spendy places.

Even with the joint bills account if I pay for holidays with what I’ve saved he won’t really appreciate it. Because he’s gotten used to it and I think the dynamic between us that I’m the “higher earner” even though the money for holidays is actually because I’m spending less.

There’s no sense of financial partnership or shared goals between us.

My main goal is giving the kids a nice life & his is having fun with the lads.

And I don’t even want to take fun with the lads away from him (if he has less ones for the pub) because I know to him it’ll be a big sacrifice. Whereas I do think other people get more out of the idea of a shared goal.

Sorry for length.

Of course a joint account for bills makes sense. It sounds like you pay more than your fair share currently, and that he has no idea what bills you even have.

A set amount transferred from each of you to that is a perfectly normal set up. It seems you are currently subsidising his spending habits.

This is even about him overspending then, is it? He's just not paying his fair share full stop.

It doesn't sound a remotely fair financial set up.

We have a joint bils account with Santander - the cashback type that also gives us travel / phone / breakdown insurance as we do use those policies.

I have a spreadsheet of all our outgoings - mortgage, gas, electricity, water, insurances, dog costs of insurance, dog food, pet plan, her medication etc, car and motorbike costs, mobile phones, broadband and so on. For that, plus building a little cushion each month, we pay in £1k each. That allows for things like repairs around the house etc.

What we don't do well is food costs for the household - that's whoever pays for it on the day but I'd like to add that cost into the joint account as well at some point and up our £1k to cover it.

Everything else we earn is for us. DH is great with month and has savings, I'm shit with money and have a small amount of credit card debt (it'll be gone by the end of the year!).

If you are married then it's a joint problem no matter what. Debts are shared even if the accounts are separate.

We have a joint account for house bills and family things. I set it up to try to get my partner to understand finances a bit more. But they still have their own account and credit card, and don't always put the joint things from that joint account. So spending is obscured, then they want a transfer to cover the credit card bill.

The different approaches to money is a problem that I've not fully solved, but the joint account does give some (joint) visibility.

I do find that the more they spend the more I try to save / cut costs. So the dynamic gets worse. The key is communication, so keep at it.

Thanks for that, very useful.

Id like to do food out of the joint account as well as it’s the one that’s obviously hardest to track.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve probably become quite frugal. I don’t spend money on things like booze, travel, clothes etc the way I used to. I still have a social life but I drink a lot less (mainly because I can no longer tolerate it but also because booze out is expensive), I go for walks & coffees etc.

My parents were also both good with money & very much a team, so I suppose that’s my blueprint. They were very much of the watch the pennies and then you can have your holidays etc.

Im not sure DH’s parents ever spoke to him about money.

We are clearly not a team when it comes to money.

I think of a married couple as a unit. They both don't have to be good at everything so long as the overall division of labour and effort feels fair. What does he do that you're rubbish at?

You are good with money. He is rubbish. He's asked for help. So I think it's fine for you to lead in this respect. Have a conversation and see what your joint goals are and then talk out how to work towards them on both your behalf. You don't need to pool finances 100% for this, but with his consent, you could sit down together and could set up a few direct debits to go out of his account the day after his payday. One to go into the joint bills account to cover his half of all family costs, another into a savings account (either joint or solely his name) to be the emergency fund, or to save towards a holiday or whatever, another into his S+S ISA, another into his SIPP. Whatever is left after those direct debits is his spending money to use as he sees fit.

I think of a married couple as a unit too.

But I don’t think that one half can switch off from finances which he has been doing no matter what else they do (which in his case isn’t anything hugely significant). Swapping tasks or delegating certain tasks to eachother is fine so long as both parties agree.

I dont want to be solely in charge in finances, although clearly I need to take the lead. We have two young children. We both need to know how much we are spending & what our priorities are.

And I’m not even that good with money as it turns out because I’ve left this situation go on for years & years. I assumed he had less net income than he has & I was completely in the dark about how high his expenses are.

And when you say “with his consent” he has spent a thousands over the years without my consent, although I appreciate he did so because he is clueless rather than deliberately.

But he has taken me for granted hugely. If things had been reversed I wouldn’t have had him pay for a holiday without saying thank you.

And while he’s not a bad person, I am angry with him when I think about it.

He also works in lending, he approves/declines loans every day based on people’s income & expenditure. And he doesn’t know how much his own mortgage is. And he has never filled out a piece of paper to do with his house or his kids. I’ve done every single thing.

Do you think that if you have a joint account, he will look at the account to see what is going out? I totally understand being fed up with having to deal with all the bills and the overspending, as my own DP is also an overspender, though I don't think we've ever been in a golf club bracket, and I'm not earning anything now (I used to earn just slightly more than him, but I was much better at managing it and making sure bills got paid etc). But I don't think I could deal with a joint account with him.

Instead of a joint bills account, why not set up the account to cover all family spend, including bills, food, holidays, child costs. Then the money transferred into you own accounts is used for your own personal spending.

Reading your posts OP, if you set up a joint account, you need to work out how much you are each going to put in and be clear about what comes out of it. That clearly needs to include

utility bills
property tax
food shopping
contribution to school
school meals?
childrens' clothes (do they have uniform), shoes, back to school stuff (eg stationery)
kids' regular activities & equipment needed (sports equipment/musical instruments, for example/any special clothing)
pocket money/allowance for kids
holidays
short term and longer term savings - for example, holidays (short term), kids' education - is this higher education? (long term)
anything else that you need to pay for the benefit of the whole family or of your kids more specifically

Do you both have pensions?

It sounds as though there might be other things that you have accepted that you are paying for which should come from a joint budget and be paid for at least proportionately, but I suggest equally.

Also, out of money that you keep in your own account, not the joint account, I suggest that you allow yourself a little spending money on you - obviously you can't afford to overspend as your husband does. Perhaps you could put it in an instant access savings account if you don't use it immediately, but take that back to treat yourself occasionally. Savings for the kids' future should be coming from both of you.

The problem with that is that it relies on both adults taking equal responsibility. I would worry about having a joint account in this situation though I can see why OP wants one. The danger of starting by pooling everything first and taking personal spending is if the overspender feels that they need to take more, then someone in OP's position is like, ooh, to pay all this I need to to take less, and I can't afford my hot chocolate.

We do a bills account which we pay into proportionately - my DH earns more than I do but also works a second job with irregular income and outgoings (I leave that to him!) which he pays from his account, & is not particularly organised or ‘money minded’ as such - so for us it works better to keep things separated.
We pay in roughly half our wages a month to the joint account, mostly by standing order but DH (and sometimes me too) needs a bit of flexibility some weeks so he then transfers his portion to me and I pay it into the joint account.
I worked out how much we’d need going in to cover our bills & set up all the original direct debits etc after doing an overhaul of our finances last year after we fell into debt.
I will add the joint account is in my name only and DH doesn’t have oversight or access to it but does know generally how much our different bills etc are, & we make financial decisions together.
It's in my sole name and access because when we had a joint account in both names he borrowed from it when he was low on money himself, or would buy me / daughter / house stuff from it when there was money it, forgetting when the bills were coming out, and wasn’t keeping a record of it or paying enough back in, contributing to our falling into debt.
So it was a few weeks of work for me to sort it all out and now have sole control, but financially for us as a family it was so worth it to now have balanced books as it were!

I don’t think he would look at it without me reminding him. I intend to.

Revolut allow you to set up pockets & you can link a debit card to a pocket which would be great for food shopping. It would also force DH to look at the account.

The main account could be all bills, and I think another pocket for holidays which we could get a temporary debit card for.

Although we both earn fairly well our bills are high. The golf is our biggest splurge. I can’t ask him to give it up. And it will take nearly all his personal budget for the month based on my initial calculations so he’ll have to figure out how to work that.

So if he 'can't give up golf' then he will have to give up pretty much all other non essential personal spending.

He can only spend each pound once and its not on for you to have no personal money so he can spend all of the household spare money on lunches, takeaways and going to the pub, as well as his golf membership.

Is there a cheaper way to play golf?

I am both the higher earner, the over spender and the only one in our marriage responsible for children. We have a joint account that all of our bills come from, we both pay in with a bit of a buffer, in proportion to our income.

The rest of our money is ours to spend as we see fit. I cover all additional spending related to my children, school dinners, bus fares, clothes, allowance, help at uni etc.

OP… I don’t think you should be looking for ways to take on more and work around his failings as an adult, a father and a husband.
to an outsider it looks like he lacks any respect for you as a partner and equal. Maybe he is a very nice man with other qualities but what you’ve written here looks like he takes you for granted and treats you like an admin assistant who pays his way for him and absolves him of all responsibility.
is that what you want? I couldn’t live like that.