Ex seeking primary custody.

[confusedlady10]

My Son’s dad: (M35) is taking me to court (30) for primary custody. What do I do?
Hi all, I’d really appreciate some honest advice as I’m starting to panic:

His dad and I share custody with me having our son Sunday afternoons until Friday evenings (cut down to Friday evenings by his dads choice). His dad has him for most half terms, we split summers and Christmas (half day each), and for birthdays we celebrate separately depending on whose day it falls on.

Our son goes to school near my home, has friends here, and his routine is settled. I handle school runs, clubs, homework, and we share hospital appointments etc. He does struggle a bit socially (and due to uniform issues which I have fixed) and we are currently exploring possible ADHD.

A few months ago he asked to come off child maintenance and I said no. He then made a comment hinting at things to court, “to do what’s best for his child”. Then he asked me to only talk via a co-parenting app, which I did in good faith thinking it was just to formalise what we already have.

However, I’ve now seen that he’s updated the “living arrangements” section (Caffcass) saying he wants our son to live with him 5 days a week instead. (I think he’s been planning this for a while). He’s listed reasons like:

“He has a 3-bed house”. (I live in a 4-bed house with a garden).

“Better schools near him and has been previously accepted into a good school” (they have the same rating).

”He has private health care with his job and he and his wife work flexibly (I also have private health care from my job and work hybrid WFH 3 days a week)”.

Our son would be near his half-sibling (aged 1).

Religious reasons (he attends church there on Sundays already).

He has ended it with this “Both parents should continue to support (child) maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with his mother through agreed and child-focused arrangements.

The biggest shock is he’s apparently already applied to a school near him and says “our son was accepted previously into a good school” – I had NO idea about this and was never consulted anyway. We live around 2 hours apart and take it in turns to pick up one drop off our son. He refused to give me an answer verbally on the schools behind my back thing. Then storms off and tells me to instead message my feelings on the app.

My questions:

1. Does he actually have a realistic chance of getting 5 days a week / changing schools given the long-standing arrangement?
2. Could I lose primary care of my son?
3. Does applying to a school without my consent go against him?

I’m worried because he has more money than me (earns at least triple I do) and would likely use a good solicitor/barrister.

I just want what’s best for my son and to keep his life stable and would be devastated if he took him.

He has also told me he wants to stay living with me (although i’ve never goaded him). I am going to speak to a lawyer and my dad is helping there. I am not saying anything on this new app to him, to avoid him using it as evidence and I think he’s been planning this for a while.

Any insight from people who’ve been through similar (or with legal knowledge) would really help.
Thank you.

1. He would need a much better case than the reasons you have reported to change a long standing arrangement that is working well, especially given that it involves changing your son's school and moving him away from his friend.
2. He may be able to get increased contact, but again, he would need a much better case to become primary carer.
3. If he has done so it certainly won't help his case and could harm it.

If you are worried, consult a solicitor. But the fact he asked to come off child maintenance suggests this may be about money rather than considering your son's best interests. The court's main concern, if it gets that far, is your son's best interests.

Extremely unlikely unless he makes a false accusation, eg pretends that your son has disclosed you sexually abuse him then he might have a leg to stand on for a reason of why he shouldn’t send him back.
look at the welfare checklist - this prioritizes considering the child’s wishes and feelings and considering the impact that changes would have on the child . In your example there is no reason at all to change the status quo. You should secretly seek legal advice and then offer mediation. At a certain stage (lawyer will advise when) tell him if you do get a formal child arrangements order then child will need to stay with you every other weekend as he has a right to quality time with both of you and at the moment he only has after school time with you. If he pushes this it’s very posssible he could end up with less time with the child!

continue to use the app to communicate about the day to day pick ups and share info like dentist stuff about your som, so he can’t use the argument of ‘she is alienating me I need full custody to maintain a relationship with him’

you should also remind him in writing on the app ‘we both share parental responsibility and decisions about education and religion and medical should be made together, it’s come to my attention you have made an application to another school without my consent, please do not do this again unilaterally this should be agreed between us first.’

hes a horrible man trying to control you and this will backfire on him terribly. But you must cover yourself for any false accusations that he might make as best as you can. Keep school records of injury’s etc.

From what you've posted, there's no good reason for a judge to award him five days a week, but there is a real risk he will get 50/50. Your situations are almost equal so there's no reason to give either of you primary residence.

It really depends on the judge on the day.

How old is your son?
After a certain age their wishes can be taken in to account. (I think it's possibly 10, but could be 12).

@confusedlady10 He may well get 50/50 so no CMS due. How would that impact on things financially? Assuming you are working?

Getting 50/50 would be hard as we live 2 hours away from eachother and he goes to school near me. His dad earns 3 times more than me. He already gets most half terms all weeks weekends.

Hes 6.

We live 2 hours apart and our son goes to school near me. Getting 50/50 would be hard in that regard. Seems he wants our son to live with him full time. He already gets most half terms, half summer and every weekend.

Do you work at the weekend? Him having all weekends and half terms is very unfair on you and ds.

If he gets 50/50, I would start with each parent getting every other weekend and school holidays so ds spends his non-school time with both of you.

Personally I wouldn’t worry about 50/50 unless he moves closer to you. A 2 hour school run (which would presumably be more in rush hour) would be awful for ds and costly/difficult for ex (more like his wife).

@confusedlady10 What parties earn ia irrelevant in 50/50 unfortunately. My ex-husband earned well over £100k pa whereas I was on about £18k. 50/50 so no maintenance due. I'm still in a private rental a decade on.

I don’t mind the pattern as it stands because I work half terms and find it hard to get time off. I still get sunday afternoons with him so it’s not bad and I get bank holidays and half summer with him and the odd half term. It’s fairly equal already like 60/40. He would never do the school run to my house so he wants him to live with him instead and that’s my worry.

Is the step mother at home with the 1 year old or does she work? Sounds like she is maybe not earning if so and the childcare will probably fall more on her.

@confusedlady10 MN loves threatening 50/50. In the circumstances you describe it’s unlikely. You are the resident parent and should stress that your DS is best served by keeping his school snd friends stable, especially as he could be SEN. I assume you claim child benefit and he’s registered for GP and dentist near you and by you. I assume you do most school admin and it’s really difficult to see any benefit to dc regarding your ex’s proposals. Courts are child centred, not dad centred.

If he goes to court, fight this. A decent family solicitor will know how to fight it and, frankly, 50/50 is not in dcs interests. House size is immaterial - I assume he has a bedroom at yours.

Id also mention clubs and other activities outside school and that DS has a settled life which is beneficial to him. An app isn’t an agreement. Don’t give ex and more rope. This is clearly about money, not about DS.

According to his request, they both work hybrid so I assume they take it in turns and my son has told me his brother goes to day care too.

Thank you! I have a solicitor booked for Friday tomorrow so let’s see, will try update!

No there's isn't he live 2 hours away so would be unable to get him to school on a 50/50 arrangement.
@confusedlady10 if he takes you to crt ask for his contact to be reduced to every other weekend so that you can have some fun time with your ds on a weekend too. I can honestly say you will almost certainly be granted weekend access on top of what you already have and his dad application has zero merit so should be refused

I missed the detail about the two hour distance, apologies. It's too late to edit my post.

It’s ok thank you!

There is no such thing as primary custody in uk law, or custody at all. Living arrangements can be flexible and shared in line with what's best for the child. The court does not like to disrupt the status quo without very good reason related to safeguarding usually, and nothing he has said fits that description. Do get legal advice but try not to stress too much. Moving him out of your care and into a new school would be very disruptive and for no good reason. The court doesn't have the right to make that decision based on nothing more than the wish of one parent.

@confusedlady10 I’m in agreement it looks unlikely but probably a small detail would be who moved 2 hours away? Was it you from the family base (when together) or him? I should think that might also be a consideration if it does end up in court and can be in your favour (if he moved away) or possibly not (if you did).

Yup I have everything he has and his own bedroom and we both drive (his wife doesn’t according to my son).

If it goes to court Request 50/50 by the book. That means 50/50 of all weekends and holidays too. The court will not go against that unless there’s a child protection reason.

What does he mean ‘come off child maintenance’?

Paying for his child is not optional and if he doesn’t care enough to do so then he’s no able to put his son’s needs as a priority.

Also my daughter’s dad has her on his private health care even though she lives with me so that doesn’t stand up as a reason lol.

@RoseField1 The resident parent is recognised in law. Parents have joint parental responsibility for dc but that’s really around decision making not 50:50 living arrangements. The arrangements have worked for some time and op applied for a local school so she hasn’t just moved I assume. Schools need a home address and it’s not the dad’s address. I’d contact the school because dad is lying if he says DS lives with him.