Mum hates new care home

[parababe]

Just looking for a hand hold really…. Have cared for 89 year old mum at home for the last 6 months with help from siblings. But have had to resort to a respite place in a care home for a couple of weeks with a view to permanent. Shes
doesnt really have any medical conditions as such, just very frail and fragile. She’s had a nasty urine infection which caused a sharp decilne but seems to be a little better from that. However, she just doesn’t want to be here anymore and desperately wants to go home. I’m struggling. Been signed off work as can’t concentrate and keep crying. Just want to get her home but know that it’s going to be too difficult to care for her. Might have to look into live in carers at home. Does anyone have any experience for getting live in carers at home…

What is it that your mum hates about the care home? Has she been there long enough to actually settle in?

And what is it about her own home situation that she misses or doesn't want to lose? Does she articulate that or just say she wants to go home?

Does she absolutely need live in care or could she cope with 4 or so visits a day?

My dad had mild dementia and had exactly that, 4 visits spread across the day to make sure he ate/help make food, any meds, etc.

We also had a "canary" alarm which alerted us when the front/back doors were opened, and a video calling kit for elderly dementia patients that enabled "drop in " calling so dad didn't have to answer.

Does your mum have any issues which mean she is a danger to herself when left alone?

To add, we also changed the downstairs around so was all on one floor. He did have mild dementia but nothing too debilitated, could still use the loo, etc

A friend who worked at a care home hated 2 week respites because a lot of people take longer than that to settle and get used to the routine. Her theory was that if respite was longer more would settle and be happy to stay but 2 weeks or less maximised resistance to a permanent move.

@parababepoor you, what a difficult situation.

I have recently put both DPs in a care home and whilst DF has settled well and is enjoying the activities and wine, DM is not. She is very agitated and obsessed about medication timings. However it was her idea to move into the home and a combination of her physical and mental needs means she wouldn’t be safe at home, plus being honest trying to manage two households was breaking me. So in her case we just had to ride it out - easier though when she’s in for good.

DM was a lot worse recently due to an infection and calmed down a lot after she got antibiotics, so it’s likely that the UTI has exacerbated your DMs complaints. What do you think about the care home? Do the staff seem nice and is she well cared for? Would it be worth trying a different one and leaning in with your DM on the gosh it’s so much nicer than the other one angle?

How much of the heavy lifting are you doing compared to your siblings? If there’s any she listens to more, it could be worth getting them to talk to her about care homes. I will say it again carers at home is not an easy option and someone- probably you - will need to coordinate them, sort out all bills and paperwork and general house maintenance as well as of course continuing to support your DM as carers can only do so much.

I am sorry there’s no easy answers and sometimes I had to put my own ability to earn a living and have a life above my DPs who never did any caring of their elderly DPs for various reasons.

My DPs had 3-4 weeks live in care 20 months ago and have just started again. My DB and I are kind of hoping they will let it be permanent this time.

The cost is similar to a care home, around £1700 weekly, but of course you have all your normal household bills too. The carer needs some time off each day (eg whilst elderly person has afternoon sleep). If night assistance is required you may need 2 carers.

The advantage is the elderly person is in their own familiar environment and is still in control of the routine. However the family still needs to stay on top of all the admin.

You can not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Sometimes it is a necessity. We can all want what we want, but wanting a reality is not the same.

I sound callous, but I've been through it too much, life isn't fair, options aren't always ideal. But you can not live like this, your health matters as well.

This. The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. I would make efforts to help her settle and zero efforts for getting her home again. Step away from all that.
Time to live your life.

Had another thought after musing on this. Was the respite space funded or self funded? Is she on social care radar ? If not she should be and you can refer her. We managed to get DF into the care home by telling the hospital discharge team that DM and her carers would no longer be there and we were unable to provide any more support and that we felt he didn’t have capacity to look after himself and would be much better off in the care home which was self funded anyway. Miraculously DF took this information from the doctor, so it might be worth going down that route to see if care home doctor can persuade her to stay.

Wr had a great experience with live in care. But it was expensive.

My in-laws lived at home with a carer for 3 or so years.

They didn't need overnight care though. If you need that it doubles the cost and we couldn't have done it.

Pros- they were in their own home which was the most important thing to them

Cons- expensive. I thought they were quite isolated compared to a care home where there were people coming and going. Carers change every few weeks, you will be responsible for choosing a new carer from the ones available. Some are great and get on fine with your people, some less so. You still need to do a load of household admin for them, paying bills, fixing things around the house, keeping an eye on their bank account if a carer has a card to do their shopping.

There's no easy solution, every option requires thought and time and effort from you. I hope you find something that works. Don't martyr yourself for your mum. It's not healthy. (Easy to say, hard to do I know)

I 100% agree with you. Its not callous at all. Its reality. So many caregivers end up very unwell physically and mentally from the pressure of feeling unable to say ,"no".

My mum had to go into a care home too, she hated it but she really just hated not being independent any more sadly.She was living in a granny annex next to my daughter and she hated that too because it wasn’t her “home”.I think we would all feel the same but sadly her dementia progressed and it wasn’t safe for her online there anymore.She did eventually get used to the home and the staff said it usually took a few months for the new residents to settle in.It is heartbreaking though when they keep asking you to take them home, I used to cry in the car afterwards as I felt so awful for her

What does she not like about it? Anything in particular? My MIL wanted to 'go home' for 4.5 years but couldn't even remember where home was, it was a feeling not a physical building if that makes sense?

Try and make her room as familiar as possible with ornaments, vases, pictures etc from her house. Nothing sentimental though as 99% chance of everything being broken as time goes on.

Also, if she's had a UTI she probably isn't thinking straight either.

Finally, give it time and be kind to yourself. No one wants to be in a home but it's the safest place to be.

Ive worked in a care home and seen this happen frequently. In 30 years as a carer of the elderly, ive seen probably 3% of people who are actually happy to be there. More often than not it isn't about the care home or the staff, its just not their home which is understandable. Starting with respite first is a good way of getting them used to it and preferably sticking to the same care home so your mum gets used to the surroundings and staff.
Its not easy for families but give it time and I'm sure mum will settle.

I am just negotiating this,both with an elderly neighbour and an elderly relative. It takes at least 4-6 weeks for people to settle(like with any change,it’s always difficult),so if you can keep your Mum in for another few weeks,she might start to settle.

As someone’s already said,live in care is expensive, and you’re still having to pay for food,bills etc,which are covered in the home. If you are looking at live in care, we found this company really helpful:

carehomeselection.co.uk/google-ads-brand-generic-landing-page/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22845407403&gbraid=0AAAAAD4x-LIjDMCWURFR8w9TTFU_-GF_H&gclid=Cj0KCQjw77bPBhC_ARIsAGAjjV-pCRzr4wMjnBQm3JR01KnaiRGlw-8_xNAyb--Wx_ruN91eJqOzfUYaAiJ_EALw_wcB

They act like a broker(for free)and you let them know what you’re looking for and they call round all the local agencies to find who has availability.

You have to safeguard yourself in all this. Do you have power of attorney for health and welfare and finance? If not, I would really recommend you get it in place.

Good luck OP.

It’s totally normal to hate the care home , it takes a few weeks to settle . It is an awful thing to leave your home and possessions and have little control over your life and possibly have food you hate , even if it’s the only option .

When we moved my MiL to live with us from her supported living apartment, she kept insisting that she wanted to "go home", even going so far as to dial random numbers on the landline and demand to speak to "the council" to complain about the "care home". She eventually did settle, but as others have said, it's not so much about the precise place (unless of course there is a real problem there), but more that it's just not "her place". I hope yours settles soon.