Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

[Ifallelsefails]

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits.

He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year.

He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

You can apply for the decree absolute but without the financial order either of you can make a claim against the other's finances. Your best bet would be to take him back to court for full financial disclosure, maybe receiving a court summons may focus his mind to the fact it would be cheaper to pay up than go through court again.

You haven’t said why the divorce hasn’t progressed in all these years. Even if he had refused to sign divorce papers, after 5 years it could have gone ahead without his agreement.
https://www.brethertons.co.uk/site/blog/family-blog/what-happens-if-my-husband-refuses-to-sign-divorce-papers

TBH I’d question why you wanted such a large chunk of his pension and who advised you to go for that when you only have one child and you were married barely more than a decade. You’ve been separated longer than you were married and it’s going to be incredibly difficult to value his pension as it was nearly 20 years ago! You aren’t entitled to 30% of what it is how he has another 2 decades of contributions into it.
just get the divorce finalised

You’ll be entitled to a % of pension accrued during the marriage / not from post separation

very grabby if you expect a share of total
pot now 2 decades later after you separated

You’re still married and there’s nothing set in stone that says you mightn’t be entitled to part of his pension accrued since separation. The court has really wide discretion to deal with assets on divorce. The reason not to apply for the final order before there’s a financial agreement is that if he dies you’d lose the spouse benefits under his pension. It sounds as if there’s nothing stopping him from applying though.
Assuming he still won’t go to mediation it does sound like you need to apply back to court.

You need legal advice OP to sort this out, but since your ex has sat on this divorce, continuing to abuse you all these years, you may actually have a claim to part of his full pension pot, rather than just 10 years of it. His abuse might actually have a small silver lining, in that case!

It’s not set in stone that is correct.

However, it’s also highly likely op would be entitled to the portion accrued during marriage.
and it’s still really really grabby to expect a share of something you’ve contributed nothing to and not worked for two decades later

this thread highlights the importance of getting the consent order to stop people doing exactly this

Thank you. At the time, when he abandoned negotiations & refused to attend mediation, my solicitor said it cleared the way to go to court but I'd need a barrister and was looking at £8K costs minimum, coupled with the fact that he probably wouldn't co-operate anyway, my solicitor said you'd just be throwing money away. He said he'd write to his pension provider and put a stop on his pension so he wouldn't be able to retire until he'd sorted it out - I don't know if this happened as my legal aid ran out & my solicitor retired. It was just left in limbo as my ex had all the cards.

There was a 30% disparity in pensions at the time, it wasn't just a number I chose. My solicitor & a pension expert did the sums, I didn't understand any of it, I just paid the bill. The fact that we're now 18 years further down the line is down to him - no discussion, no contact, nothing. He only lives 2 streets away, he's a narcissist.

I'd never describe myself as grabby, I've always been a fair's fair person, thousands of people get divorced every year and they don't have this palava.

You mean I'm a lazy arsed gold digger by the sound of it. Have you ever experienced domestic abuse to yourself and your child, emotional abuse towards mother & child for the past 20 years even after fleeing the marital home, because the mysogenist pig has no sense of decency, respect or empathy? Until you've walked in my shoes, think again.

Just go to court without a barrister or solicitor…act in person.

No. Im saying it’s fair and reasonable you get a fair share of the pension pot at point of separation. Not of the pot built up in the last two decades.
go get legal
advice and get the ball rolling once and for all

It’s down to you as well. He can stall the process and he can be uncooperative but that would not have prevented you for eventually getting things settled.

Do you want to resolve the situation now?

Yes it would have been fair at the time to split the pension pot, 13 years was the ending point of the marriage, & all I wanted was what was fair but he threw his dummy out of the pram because that's exactly who he is. The fact that we're 18 years further down the line and he's made 18 years more pension contributions is down to him and only him.

I think he was hoping I'd apply for the Absolute without a settlement - it's a bit like saying 'if you want to remarry you'll have to forefeit the pension first' - but I've only just worked that out. Everything on his terms, a wife needs her husband's permission and lives by his terms or else. That's about right for him.

So you’re actually wanting a claim on his pension two decades after you split?
he’s also still paying cms for an adult? child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex

We're still legally married, Nisi is 18 years old, he's still working the same job - I've been bringing our child up while he's been emotionally abusing us both at every opportunity despite many interventions. Yes he paid CMS upto DD being 18 years old.

Personally, get the absolute and forget the money and then it is done... And if you want to take this back to court, you're going to need a lawyer and you're going to have to weigh up how much time and money and stress that takes... I wouldn't bother and I say this as someone who waited 20 years for him to decide he wanted a divorce and I took nothing, nothing at all... I have my two Dds, so as far as I am concerned I won. Also a DV situation which was all those years ago why I left it... And waited until he he wanted it. Walk away, just forget it.

I suppose that's why I didn't follow it up, I prioritised DD and supported her through the damage he caused her - plus the money I had wasn't for throwing down the drain on solicitors & court cases giving him the attention he craved, only to rub my nose in it.

Something came up this week that made me revisit the situation, normally it stays in a dusty box but it's good to get other views x

It sounds like the solicitor you had was a waste of time and gave you very poor advice. As you were receiving legal aid, surely it wasn’t costing you anything? As others have said, the fact that you’re still not divorced after 18 years is down to both parties. He cannot prevent the divorce happening - the law is very clear on that point.
If you left the marital home and he was abusive, why did you only move 2 streets away?

I’m not disputing he is a narcissist, he sounds vile but at some point in 20 odd years would you not have drawn a line under this situation.

You definitely need to push it now. Get a barrister or represent yourself and see what the outcome is.

I’d be very surprised if a judge had much patience for either of you not completing a divorce by this stage. You have a very set outcome that might not go down well after all of these years, being more flexible about the outcome might give you better leverage.

Looking back, my solicitor was absolutely right about my ex & the divorce, ex didn't co-operate at all, he even went against his own solicitor's advice, he was the petitioner - he wasn't out to negotiate he just thought what he wanted was how it was going to be. Child contact is invariably simple but he wanted that on his terms too so that ended up in court.

Yes, divorce is simple on paper but when you get a clown as a petitioner it's like a circus. I saw who I'd really married and it was embarrassing. I thought leaving him would stop all the drama but it didn't it just intensified.

Where we live is circumstantial, our paths never cross thankfully.

Legal aid probably works for most cases & the job gets done but ex just complicated everything & wasted mine, I ended up paying more and got hardly anywhere. Maybe that was his plan, he had fellow officers at work in similar situations & I think they treat it as a joke.

But as pp are saying to still be at this point 18 years on, you are complicit in the circus, and it must be about money to drag on so long…

I think it’s the old story if it cost £10 to save £5 don’t bother

finalise your divorce regardless solicitors are notorious for generating work that you have to pay for not sure how realistic 30% was in the first place considering you had a pension as well

Sounds like he's worked for 31 years, and you were married for 13 years. This would have seen see you entitled to 6.5/18th's of his pension as a starting point. In short, half of the period earned ~ so a ratio of 0.361%. His pension pot would have grown, so some maths will be needed to calculate the amount at the time, and the percentage into a value now. He can get a valuation, then see if it's worth trading that pension for cash lump sum. Expect it to be not that much due to early access and tax free etc. On the flip side, he can ask to share anything you earned.

There is the added bonus here that you'll be in line for any death in service benefits, as still being his spouse etc.

Ignore the haters, a share of the pension (assumed defined benefit) will be needed at state pension age, when you're just getting £12000 to live on.