AIBU to think step siblings can be evening guests only at wedding?

[AnneShirleyBlythe]

My friend’s DD is planning her wedding. She has 3 step siblings who have only
been in her life for around 10 years, since she was about 19. Step siblings are younger (16- 22).

Bride & groom to be are considering a very intimate ceremony (20ish guests) followed by a huge evening reception. Bride to be wants the step siblings to be invited to the evening do. Friend & her DH aren’t happy with this. They think the step siblings should be considered the same as siblings.

IMO it’s fine to do this. Bride’s aunts, uncles
& cousins aren’t going to be invited to the ceremony. Siblings, parents & grandparents & best friends are the only ceremony guests.
My friend & I had quite a heated discussion about it. AIBU to think it’s fine to exclude the step siblings as they are not particularly close?

Honestly I just wouldn’t get involved. It’s not with fighting with a friend over - it’s not your wedding!!

The only people who have a say are the bride and the groom

Just another blended family in which the parents are desperate to shout 'how close' everyone is despite the obvious truth.

Your friend sounds interfering. They're not her siblings, and never will be. They are people she met when she was already an adult. Fine to invite them to evening only.

Hope your friend and her husband can get some perspective and stop stressing her daughter out.

I think it’s fine. It would be different if they grew up together.

It might be seen as a snub. Maybe she could ask her parents if they are happy to pay for it.

In these circumstances it seems fine ie it’s a small ceremony anyway and the step siblings weren’t in her life as a child.

Of course step siblings aren’t counted as siblings if they didn’t grow up together.

There are no rules. A wedding is a good occasion to build a bond with step family and have everyone feel close and included.

They may be a few years younger but that will feel like no time at all in another 10 years. They may end up being closer than they realise now.

You can invite whoever you choose to your wedding, doesn't your friend understand that? I can't imagine getting aerated about someone else's wedding

Yet another story of parents trying to force a blended family on their offspring against their wishes or best interests. It’s unbelievable how selfish some parents can be. The step siblings probably aren’t bothered about going to the ceremony and it’s all about the parents wanting to project the image of a perfect family.

This is my perspective on it. Friend really wants them all to be one big happy family. But her DH didn’t come into their lives until DDs were late teens. Friend only split with her DH when her 2 DDs were teenagers so they had a family with both parents for majority of their childhood. Friend’s DH isn’t a father figure & his DC aren’t close to friends DDs however much the oarents wish they were.

My friend asked my opinion so I gave i. Not my circus, just wondered what others thought.

Given ages, reasonable I think.

I think if aunts, uncles and cousins aren’t invited to the ceremony then neither should the step siblings who have been her life for less time.

Parents can force two families together and insist the children are blended, but they can't insist on the farce when the children grow up.

I agree with you OP.

Unreasonable, I think. They may ‘only’ be step-siblings in recent history, but they’ll be step-siblings for the rest of their lives.

Not necessarily! Friend & husband could separate(my sister is on her 3rd marriage, doesn’t keep in touch with stepkids from 2nd marriage & her DC don’t either). Or when they are both dead the ‘children’ might never see each other again.

In such a small wedding, sounds fine. Probably inevitable your friend would be upset because it's undeniable evidence that her DCs relationships with their step siblings aren't what she would wish them to be. But it will have done her good to hear the other side. I hope she's not going to be a dick about it.

I guess if it was my daughter or step daughter doing this, I would be disappointed. But that is assuming they had good relationships with each other. I know nothing about your friend’s family.

I’ve got full, half, step and adopted sibs and I know exactly what each of them means to me. It’s absolutely no one’s business to call them anything other than my brothers and sisters, unless I’m doing a family history deep dive. It’s no one’s business to judge how long they’ve been in my life and how close in proximity we lived and I decide which invitations they get. I can’t believe people are getting so involved.

I've got step siblings on both sides. This wouldn't be an issue in our family set up.

It’s fine to invite people who are a mere duty invite to the evening yes.

I bet the step siblings don’t even see each other as step siblings more there dad wife’s kids and that’s mums husbands kids.

Thing is oarenfs can want things all they like but they can’t force their kids to feel like a family. And why would they?

I think once you’re had your “first” family - ie your children with one partner - it’s never going to be the perfect happy family you envisage with no complications. Some blended are happy, yes, but it will never be simple or easy. Adults need to stop thinking they’re somehow owed happily ever after.

They may also have good relationships with each other that are just distant. The bride was 19 when they all met. With both sets having another parental household to spend time in, the bride presumably having lived independently for a while and maybe from the time they met if she was at uni, it's possible there genuinely hasn't been that much overlap. In which case being on friendly but not close terms arguably would constitute a good relationship for the circumstances.