EXH, DD and food

[rusteenail]

Need some advice on this one.

EXH used to have DD EOW but she was missing him a lot so for the last 3-4 months, she’s been going every weekend. Since she’s been going every weekend, she’s put on a lot of weight, she’s overweight now. I’ve seen things about how if you are overweight as a child, it’s so much harder to be a healthy weight as an adult.

She has more rubbish there in one weekend than she does here in a month. She has, usually without fail/ chocolate crepes for breakfast, pizza for lunch and takeaway for dinner. That’s 3 takeaways as he always takes her for one before bringing her home. Plus let’s her have fizzy drinks, crisps, sweets, chocolate on top of this. So that’s 12 takeaways a month (Friday, Saturday and Sunday). We usually have one every 8ish weeks and she gets one treat thing a day (usually for desert). We don’t ever give her fizzy drinks. I’m not saying we’re really strict but it’s honestly balanced. ExH denies what I say and that he doesn’t feed her that but 1) she’s not lying and 2) the weight gain directly correlates from when she started going every weekend. What do I do? She’ll be devastated if I say she can’t go every weekend as she’s struggled a lot with it but this can’t go on and he won’t change. Any advice would be so so appreciated. I’ve NC’d but been here a long time. Thank you.

Tricky! How old is she?

Oh this is so hard. This food is not healthy for her. Is he overweight? Or is it a case that he wants to spoil her? Does he know how to cook?

I think you need to address it with him, but in a non confrontational way. Suggest some easy meals she likes he can cook relatively easily. Does he struggle to cook or is he just lazy. Ultimately he has to stop.

Could you cook a few meals and send them with her? Like when your cooking do an extra bit?

Could you put it across more in terms of missing having time to spend with her at the weekend and agreed to half every weekend rather than her go there every weekend? I definitely don’t think you can send food with her, even if he doesn’t take that as the insult it is, no child is gonna eat a healthy packed lunch instead of a takeaway. Does she have any hobbies she does on the weekend? Could you suggest to her that her dad starts taking her swimming or something?

Sorry she’s 9!

He wouldn’t give them to her @Gonk123

That’s what I did before @OneOfEachPleasebut she’s begged to go every weekend, she does miss him a lot.

You haven't answered some of the questions that might help us give advice OP, for example, can he cook? Is he too lazy to bother cooking? Has he always had a tendency to eat crap, or has he gained a lot of weight himself since you split, which would indicate that his own diet is poor, rather than him just wanting to spoil his daughter with treats and takeaways.

Could you try telling him that much as you don't want to deprive your DD of spending more time with him, if he won't cut back on the treats, then you'll have to go back to EOW because she's gaining weight and it's not good for her health.

Is she a very active child OP?

Not to add to your worries, but has she been to the dentist recently? If she’s having that many sweets and fizzy drinks every weekend, I would be concerned for her teeth, particularly if he is lazy in other ways and doesn’t encourage good hygiene.
I think I would go down this route rather than weight, particularly if he is on the larger side himself.

She prob enjoys seeing him if she knows will get junk and always takeaways

you need to do a plan together that he starts cooking /less takeaways

more exercise so can try and shift some of the extra weight

sorry @GrantMyWishes, I missed some posts. He can cook some meals, he just can’t be bothered. He has ALWAYS had lots of rubbish as part of his diet but he’s somehow always been slim. I am going to say something along those lines but it’s hard because it’s having a conversation with someone that will argue that black is blue forever. So he’s going to deny it 100%. DD is middle I’d say- not the sportiest kid but does a decent amount of walking/park trips.

@Blondeshavemorefunwith summer coming up I’m definitely prioritising exercise. But he isn’t going to change, so it feels like I’m stuck in a really tough position.

@wrinkleyritashe has and her teeth are good- I’m on top of that because she has a lot of adult teeth.

Cam you switch to eow plus every Wednesday night? So she still sees him every week but not for lengthy periods plus you get some weekends with her to do the fun stuff.

Also start cooking together as a bonding activity, make it relaxed and fun.?

It is hard. Does she know she’s put weight on ? Clothes not fitting etc

I think I’d try to concentrate on empowering her to understand nutrition and want to make healthy choices for herself. Not in relation to weight at all, just in terms of arming her with knowledge about food and its miraculous properties, teaching her to prepare and cook good food and understand how it can benefit her. It may not be enough to counteract the siren call of unlimited junk at dad’s house, but it’s the best I can come up with. You have my sympathy, it must be soul-destroying trying to co-parent with someone who just doesn’t have the right basic priorities.

Unfortunately not @Mjhope, I would but he lives 2 hours away. Good idea re cooking!

@BlondeshavemorefunI don’t think she’s aware and of course I’d never say anything to her but it’s really noticeable and I’m worried someone at school will say something.

If it’s noticeable then her clothes must be getting tight

@Blondeshavemorefunthey are but I think she thinks that they’re getting tight due to growing, not weight gain (she’s not currently growing).

Then have the conversation with her about diet and exercise and health. Educate her to make the right food choices.

Tell her that it is really important to eat a balanced diet then show her what a balanced meal looks like. Make it clear that takeaways are full of saturated fat and sugar and she should only be eating one takeaway every other week due to the damage they can cause to your body.

You need to encourage her to reject the fast food and ask for healthy options. If he refuses an alternative then you have a huge problem!!

I LOVE food but my 10 year old daughter knows all about healthy eating and balanced diet and you need to match your exercise levels and eating levels.

Could you say you want her back on Sunday mornings? that would cut out 2 bad meals on Sunday.

Could you ask whether there is a school nurse (they usually work across a trust or area) or a trusted adult in school who could speak to exh? Or could you book an appointment with the nurse at the surgery?

He might listen better to someone who isn’t you?

Id also try and set some ground rules with dd which you can ask her to keep across the two houses? Things like no more than one fizzy drink per day (and buy her a nice water bottle for dads house). At Mac Donald’s you need to choose a happy meal. Takeaway pizza portion is 4 slices etc.

Maybe have a simple conversation with her about calories in, versus calories out, and then say that from what she tells you she eats at Dads, she's going to need to do a lot more exercise to burn off all the fuel (calories) that she's taking in. Give her an example of how many calories there are in her favourite treats and takeaways, and then show her how many calories you burn when you walk fast for half an hour, or swim for 20 minutes, or again, any form of exercise that she likes. Then you can point out that if she's taking in 4,000 calories in a day, but is only burning 2,000, that that will lead to not only an unhealthy body, but also weight gain, and it's much harder to lose weight as you get older, so it's a good idea to learn about how much fuel her body actually needs while she's young, so that she doesn't struggle with her weight and keeping healthy as she gets older. You could find out how many calories (how much fuel) a child of her age should need, and then get her to work out how much she actually has. Maybe try making it a fun thing where you learn together about how much fuel (calories) she has in each meal, then suggest that she does it when she's at Dad's too. All just ideas that might help, but obviously without putting too much emphasis on weight and calories, make it more about health and fuel, that sort of thing. You know your daughter, and likely have an idea about how she would respond to these sort of things, but I really do think that we need to teach our kids about eating healthily, and being aware of how much fuel they need to keep their bodies working efficiently, while they're young, getting them to see that it actually takes a lot of exercise to burn off the food that we eat, and that we don't need anywhere near as much fuel as most people think, and we need to teach them about this sort of thing, BEFORE the angst of being a fat teenager sets in.

Please don't have a discussion about calories. You don't want to encourage a lifelong food issue/eating disorder.