AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's lack of care after surgery

[OneSpoonySnake]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or emotional but I wanted to just vent I suppose. I’m 24 hours home from surgery for endometriosis. My first diagnosis of this and they removed it in 3-4 areas. My husband has brought me up to our bed and mostly just left me to it. We have 2 kids so he seen to the school run this morning but I’ve had to ask for a cup of water and he’s not bothered to come check in or see how I’m feeling? AIBU to feel down by this? He came home earlier and had a moan about how tired he is after a day of dealing with the house, things I do all day every day on top of working full time. I’ve had surgery and he’s not even brought any food up to me? I’ve felt for a long time that he doesn’t care much for me anymore after 15 years together but this to me just solidifies that feeling. X

Why can’t you get your own food? I had a hysterectomy due to cancer last year and dealt with everything myself as I live alone, and was able to go up and down stairs.

That’s an awful lack of care from the person that should love you the most. If he is useless, you might need to actually spell it out, DH I am feeling really tired and rough after my surgery, please can I have a drink, some painkillers and some food. The bar is on the floor for these men, that they don’t even know to look after someone who has been in hospital, and doing about half of what you probably do on a daily basis without recognition or thanks.

Because she doesn't live alone, and expecting a modicum of care from her partner i.e. provision of food and water is a pretty low bar for him to not meet. I'm sure what you went through was incredibly traumatic physically and mentally, and having someone to look after you might have made things a tiny bit easier.

That's a bit harsh. I'm sorry you had to deal with that alone but most people if they had a loving husband at home could expect to have them at least check in and see if they wanted anything.

I'm sorry OP that he has treated you like this. You deserve to at least have someone ask you how you are feeling and if you need anything. It is good to try and be mobile post surgery but after having similar done myself, the pain peaks 24 hours afterwards and it is hard especially when you have children around and you don't want them to see you in pain. Hope you have a speedy recovery but maybe be more direct with your DH and ask him for what you need.

Im sorry op, dh can be very thoughtless too.

Get a flask eg chilly bottle of water so you have water for allday and dontneed to call out thru day
When you recovered look at how your dh treats you day to day and start making him step up

I am sorry your DH is so uncaring. Of course if you lived alone you would have to get your own food but that is irrelevant and not the case here.

He is the person who is supposed to love and care for you. He should be helping you recover making sure you are fed and watered, bring you some magazines or whatever you would like.

I hope he pulls himself together and starts to care for you the way a loving partner should.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Thank you everyone, I am usually quite an independent person and take most things in my stride. I have felt this lack of care for a long time now and I suppose this has just made it hit home a little bit xx

My then husband, who I had nursed through all manner of usually self inflicted 'illnesses', was the same @OneSpoonySnake . The poor soul was exhausted at all the things he had to do for himself while I kept out of his way in my very nearly death bed. It was yet another nail in the this is who he is coffin.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you will not only feel better as a result of your surgery but stronger emotionally for whatever you choose to come next

This is harsh !
you were lucky to be able to do so ,you have no idea how the OP is feeling physically.

I think sometimes men struggle with the extra pressure of school runs and household chores etc on top of what they usually do. And I do think that some men just lack the instinct to bring food and check up!

id go and get myself a big bottle of water as another suggested, and I’d take snacks to nibble on if/when you feel hungry throughout the day. You’ll soon be back on your feet

Some people just need to be specifically told things don't lay in bed getting annoyed while he's oblivious. Message him when you want food or drink. He might think he's doing you a favour keeping out the way and keeping the kids out the way and just assume if you needed anything you would ask

Oh fuck off you are so miserable.

My dh was like this after I'd had DD. I'd lost a liter of blood and couldn't physically get up and down the stairs. He wasn't being malicious - the thought just hadn't occurred to him. When we went to marriage counseling I brought it up and you could see the pennies dropping.

Oh Jesus

Why are you excusing this as a "man" thing? It's bizarre. Men are adults too. Men are perfectly capable of doing all the things that other adults do - including women. They're not somehow special or missing part of their brains.

Because it generally is a man thing!

If men can outnumber us as CEOs then they can figure out the school run for their own children, don't be ridiculous!
He is uncaring and lazy. The least he could do is make her a drink. No excuses.

Everyone, stop the thread. We need a round of applause here.

Bit of a lightweight, though, personally, I didn’t even stop when I had surgery. They just had to follow me around with the scalpel, because that’s the kind of woman I am.

Seriously, though, OP, that is really crap, and you deserve better. You deserve to be taken care of and to recover from surgery. I would do this for a friend, let alone my spouse.

That's a good point. I had an open radical hysterectomy which is pretty major. 24 hours later the physio's made sure I could walk up and down stairs before being discharged . And I live in a ground floor flat with no stairs.

If you have Alexa's use the " drop in " facility to ask him to bring something up for you

Another round of applause!

What because you aren't allowed to leave the hospital before proving you can manage stairs??

Didn't fancy staying any longer in there. It was boring and I was starving

The physio did the same with my aunt, who fell down the stairs two days later and broke her neck and died 🤷‍♀️

And the relevance is? Sort of proves point they like you to do that before release though. So sarky comments about " rounds of applause" are just stupid

I am so sorry OP. He sounds awful.
I have been very unwell over the last 10 years, including various broken bones and debilitating infections due to immunosuppression.
I was always the one who did everything house and children related, but DH has had to step up and he has done so much for me and continues to do so.
This is what marriage is about.