AIBU if raising concerns calmly when upset is not being aggressive

[NotHappyAtLabel]

I have had 2 situations lately where I have been called aggressive. Whilst I initially thought OK, that’s 2, maybe they’ve got a point, I don’t now think so. It’s 2 occasions in my whole life.

On both occasions, it was me addressing the poor behaviour of someone else. The first was someone going back on an agreement, causing me a lot of inconvenience, and the other was someone at work who took a bad day out on me and spoke to me like dirt in front of other people.

In both cases I was upset, and asked for an explanation in what I thought was a calm and very professional manner. In both cases it was turned on its head, and I was called aggressive. It went from being about the issue, to about my manner and aggression. Both times I left with no outcome, and without the issue addressed.

I guess my question is, if I’m talking in a calm way, and maintaining professionalism, but am very upset, how else am I supposed to get my point across?

AIBU raising a concern when upset is not aggression?

My tone of voice when I'm angry is much more aggressive than I am conscious of. Facial and body expression play a big role too.

If you were upset, then there's a good chance that you didn't raise it calmly.

Don't address things when you're angry and upset. Wait until you are calm and then addresss it. Otherwise, it quite likely is coming across as aggressive. Particularly at work.

It’s really difficult to maintain normal
body language and tone when upset about something, so it’s very possible they were right. The work situation sounds awful though.

People dont like being told off so they react by attacking you. People also often uncomfortable with a direct approach, however polite, and find it aggressive. Doesn't necessarily mean you went about it the wrong way. Ask a third party for their feedback if you can.

I think the fact that there have been 2 seperate instances were seperate people have said you’re aggressive means that you didn’t come across as calmly as thought. Going forward it sounds like you need to maybe take some time out before responding.

On both occasions were any of the same people involved or know about the previous episode at all? This is relevant.

I don't see how anyone can tell from this post if you were aggressive or not, there are different ways of raising concerns that can be polite or assertive or aggressive and we weren't there. If different people are calling you aggressive, it's likely you might have been.

Ok so I’m happy to admit that me being upset and cross may have come across as aggressive. However I never once raised my voice, and the language I used was professional.

What I don’t understand is, why is it ok to talk to me like a piece of shit, but it’s not ok for me to ask someone why, and be upset about it? Am I not allowed to be upset?

If you give more details of each incident it will give a better idea of what actually happened so we can judge. It sounds like you haven't yet found an effective way to be assertive. Being assertive means being neither passive nor aggressive - it involves feeling entitled to the thing you are asking for (eg fair treatment, respectful dialogue) and asking for it in a firm, calm and polite way, holding strong to any boundaries and asking again if the first attempt is unsuccessful. It involves respecting the other person too and not criticising them.

If you were genuinely calm, don't you know that a woman being assertive is often called aggressive by men?

Don't doubt yourself. That's what you're meant to do. You know when something is off and you call it out. Defence is the best form of attack so it will be turned round on you.

The first one was a family member. We had an agreement that I would drive our parent 250 miles to stay with someone and they would pick them up as they were visiting the area on a certain day. They then said they had no recollection of agreeing to this. They actually went there, but didn’t want to go 40 mins out of their way. They denied the conversation, even though I said how would I know you were going there if we didn’t have this conversation? I got frustrated, and I was upset, but again, why aren’t I entitled to be? Why is that “aggressive”.

2nd situation at work. A manager was in a foul mood. Came over told me I was stupid, that I shouldn’t be doing something, and said this in front of customers. After I finished what I was doing I asked for clarification on what I’d done wrong (what I was doing was actually correct). I was told straight away that I was aggressive. I then said, I’m not trying to h to be, I’m just really upset at the way you spoke to me in front of everyone and they doubled down on me being the issue.

I've worked out that people just don't like to be called out and have a mirror held up to their face.

I had this exact same issue last night with H who has been talking to me like shit all week because of his mood. I approached him about one grievance yesterday (we watch a box set together and he decided to start watching the next episode by himself because he was pissy about this week), and just because I asked him why he felt the need to do that, all of a sudden I'm the aggressive one.

I do feel like it was said to me to shut me down.

It’s like - let’s not talk about why you’re upset, the real issue is that you are aggressive. It’s like some kind of reverse psychology.

In work, unless what you are doing is dangerous, (and possibly even if it was) you should not be spoken to like this in front of customers. You had two options, firstly nipping this in the bud, by stopping the conversation and saying politely, can we talk about this here ( find/ point to a separate location, even if it's just a step away) or put up with it and then when you do approach it as a follow up start with the behaviour, not who was right, so.. When you spoke to me just now, I felt that what you said, and the way you said it in front of customers was unprofessional and unnecessary. In future this sort of conversation should be held in private please. (Then ask for clarification about what was wrong etc) A reasonable manager would take the opportunity to reflect and acknowledge this, and not attack you for being 'aggressive' If your manager is an unreasonable despot, ignore the above.

If all is exactly as you describe then it does sound like you were justifiably upset both times. It sounds like DARVO, like they've switched to you being the issue instead of them.

Does your boss often treat people this way?

In the work situation you do need to tread carefully but sometimes a little bit of power does go to people's heads.

With the family situation, could you have misinterpreted the conversation as them agreeing to do it when they didn't actually agree to?

Croak

DARVO is exactly what the manager did.

I think aggressive and abusive have become the new rude. It's just a way of shutting people down and discrediting them when they don't like what's being said. Which is annoying because it misrepresents the situation, essentially letting them off, and minimises those who really are experiencing aggressive and abusive behavior.

You don't sound like you were being aggressive but you had every right to be pissed off on both occasions, so I wouldn't worry about it that much. Even if you were being a bit aggressive, does it matter? You don't have to be perfect all the time.

If someone accused me of being aggressive in those circumstances, I would probably agree that I was feeling pretty fed up.

I think it’s a new buzz word used to shut down a disagreement rather than accept wrongdoing. A bit like calling a woman a Karen for raising a legitimate complaint.
i would say if you’re not balling up fists, moving your arms, leaning in close to someone or shouting, then calling you “aggressive” is probably a way of deflecting responsibility for what has happened. More appropriate words might be “argumentative, over-reacted, over the top, overly emotional etc” or being told to calm down. But saying you’re aggressive is just a way of trying to shame you to back down even if you’re in the right

This is what I was trying to say but better

@NotHappyAtLabel
Ive been called angry and aggressive several times at work, it's made me take a pause and reflect on how I come across to others.

In reality I'm friendly, get on with everyone, will pick up the slack, join in the banter but step outside my "box" and raise an issue then I'm angry and aggressive.

I literally don't recognise the person that they like to paint me as, I do wonder if it's because I'm a lot older than everyone else and even though I have 30+ experience in our industry I'm just the old lady who knows nothing and I shouldn't be allowed to raise issues when the bright young things are desperately trying to climb the career ladder.

Misogyny at its finest.

It has the desired effect as I've now made the decision not to participate in meetings or raise issues.

Being called aggressive or angry when you're not is designed to shut you up.

I can’t help wondering whether maybe you’re menopausal and you’re suddenly picking up on things (rightly) where before you’d have let people walk over you. I hear friends having similar experiences all the time.

Either way I wouldn’t let it worry you. You were annoyed, they thought you sounded annoyed… Sounds like you were justified.

First situation.. Was anyone else there when you had the conversation? Has this family member ever "misremembered" things before? I had a work colleague who would do similar and say "oh no we agreed to meet at x place or at x time" which wasn't what I said. I would then email after each meeting "key points" including time date and venue of next meeting. This didn't stop the behavior but allowed a manager to take it further. So in your case text the relative a couple weeks before saying "thank you for agreeing to take mum home on the 1st July" or whatever.

Second example, id finish with the customer and sleep on it then draft an incredibly polite email asking to discuss the situation at a mutually convenient time to understand more about why they felt I was "stupid" and what I can do going forwards to be a better employee. It gives you a paper trail and time for manager to reflect.