To be sick of constantly being given stuff

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I feel like I’m being totally ungrateful but I am fed up sorting out piles of STUFF

My little boy just had a birthday, and received lots of presents. He got so much shite that I have already bagged up ready for the charity shop - cheap nasty toys, and so many duplicates of toys he already has. I’m so grateful for friends who asked us what DS is interested in and who bought 1 small thoughtful gift.

Family and in laws are the worst for it - bags and bags of random crap with no attempt to enquire about what he’s actually interested in, as well as naff clothes that are not to our tastes at all.

We receive lots of well-meaning hand me down clothes from family and friends too. I am genuinely very grateful for a portion of it, but most of it is either super worn, or in sizes far too big. So here I am spending my time sifting through piles and piles of crap for the charity shop, or trying to find space to store it.

Part of me sees through the “generosity” of it and wonder if I’m just being used as a dump for old crap. People get to feel good about giving someone their old stuff.

It also highlights the gross consumerism of some people. My friend has just given me a bag of hand me downs from her son which includes 5 pairs of swimming suits in age 3-4. What single child needs 5 different swim suits.

Feeling very grumpy at having to spend my time sorting through all this crap. I’m heavily pregnant, working full time hours, with a toddler, fed up of wasting my time and of people wasting their money on stuff I don’t want and didn’t ask for. Yes I’m ungrateful. AIBU to feel this way? Give me a boot up the arse if you feel like it.

Just say thanks, but no thanks.

PS much of the time i am not asked if I want the hand me downs, they are given to me or dropped off during visits and it’s very hard to say no in that circumstance

I agree - I think most people are well meaning but the worst people for it are my mum and my husband’s mum! They are basically trying to clear their houses out and the easiest option is to dump all the shit they don’t want on me by asking my kids if they want stuff (they obv always say yes). It drives me mad! You have my sympathies.

Just use your words and say 'I don't want it'.

I really need to get better at this, for sure

With you on the toys, but when my kids were pre-school, we barely had to spend anything on clothing, thanks to my sister's rampant consumerism with her own sprogs a few years before 😂 Thanks sis, saved me a fortune.

So what is stopping you from saying no? ‘Thank you so much for thinking of me, but he currently has so much stuff I’m struggling to store it all’ to hand me downs. ‘Presents not required’ on his party invites. ‘Oh, have you kept the receipt? He’s already got this outfit’ to relatives buying new clothes.

Only you can stop this.

Make it clear on the party invite that a present is not required. “We would appreciate your presence without a present” type of thing.

Practice saying ‘No thank you” when offered other people’s unwanted junk.

Keep what you want bin the bad stuff and give the rest to the charity shop. Can it really be so much it's a huge chore?

Straight in the dustbin then. Honestly you are pregnant tired and possibly a bit grumpy? You're entitled to say I don't have the mental ir physical capacity to go through these bags please come back and get them or say the same and don't take them.

Your’ve become the family bin I’m afraid

You have a mouth though presumably so can refuse the bags of crap you don’t need?

Ah, the ‘bag of crap’. I too must be a grumpy cow, as my own mother and mother in law excelled in palming off their rubbish onto others. My mum I could handle - take a few bits to make her happy, say no to the rest. She took it graciously, I must say. MIL gave ‘the bag’ to DH who always said nothing.

Straight in the bin. Zero guilt.

YANBU, as long as you're saying no to everything on principle.

Say a blanket no to the hand-me-downs on the same basis that people are forcing them on you: "Thanks so much for thinking of us, you're amazing, but I couldn't POSSIBLY accept this - Balthasar has SO many clothes already I fear he's getting spoilt! You MUST give these to someone who really needs them; I'd feel so awful to take them, I could never forgive myself!" And if they drop them off or leave them with you, send/drop them back if possible (a hassle, I know, and maybe not possible if you don't have a car, etc.)

Gifts are trickier but you can try saying "no gifts" on a party invite and and if anyone does bring one you put it away without your child seeing it and hand it back to them at the door when they leave, like you would a coat.

You can't do this for kids presents though.

It’s not hard to say no. Just say oh thanks, but we’ve so much, I can’t take it. Practice it in the mirror or something, for your kids birthday message everyone and say what you want, money in his saving account, no gifts, experiences

you can’t just keep going along with it and whinging.,

Yeah she can, she can email and say wee Johnny has so much stuff, no gifts necessary or a contribution to his savings.

No is a complete sentence!

I think this is the norm when you have a small child. My rule was I would go through the hand me down and choose anything I liked and the rest went to charity.
Birthdays I would pop any duplicates in the regift cupboard and donate anything rubbish.

My mum was the worst. When DS was 3 I send a video of him playing with his new toy kitchen with pots and pans etc. she rushed out to buy more pots and pans (which didn't fit) . I mean she could literally see he had some!

Just because they have brought it to your house doesn't mean you have to accept it. Or if you feel you can't do that then use it as the opportunity to say thank you but this is the last time i'll accept stuff as we have enough already/don't have time to sort through it etc.

I used to accept stuff from my parents and sister for our local jumble which I help at. However it got to the point where they were bringing things every time they visited. One jumble I had so many bags to take they only just fitted in the car. So I politely informed them we wouldn't be accepting any more which worked.

Oh god OP I am so with you. My ex, exmil & exfil were hoarders and I was constantly being pressed with stuff. Just say no doesn’t work when it evokes hours of nagging until you give in and take it to dump. They would also take my belongings if they knew I was dumping them, then try and give me them back years later.

the stress of birthdays and Christmas was significant- I ended up dreading them. A years worth of smellies etc.

i didnt want to waste things but massively resented how uneven the split was between things I wanted in my life vs things my exs wanted in my life. I remember crying decorating one Xmas when I realised I hadn’t chosen one Xmas decoration myself.

anyway one of the best parts of the divorce was getting away from it

You need to get better at saying no. It’s lovely you’ve got so many people to love you and your family and try and contribute in their own way, but it’s clearly too much physical crap so just let people know you don’t want it. Just say ‘I honestly don’t have space for more hand me downs, my sister/cousin/friend already gave me loads that I’ve given away again’. Birthday presents is harder though

Practice saying “thank you for the thought but …”. And until you get better at that, don’t bother sorting. Just put the bag in your boot without opening it and drop it off at a charity shop when you can.

If people want to give you hand me downs, say “thank you but we don’t need anything - please donate it to (insert name of suitable local charity)”.

If birthday or Christmas is coming up, politely request that they contribute to children’s junior ISAs instead of buying presents.

Rinse, lather, repeat. Stay firm.

Been there with my DH’s side.

When I was pregnant with DS1 his cousin decided to give us a bag full of baby clothes from her loft. Her kids were 6 and 7, the baby clothes smelled horrendous and many should have went in the bin.

Made me think they were too lazy to just sort it themselves.

I would never think it would be acceptable to give a pregnant woman stained, foul smelling, baby clothes that had been stored for five years and had never seen the light of day since. If they wouldn’t accept such things in a charity shop, refuge, or baby bank, why would you pass that on to family members.

I have told DH in the past few months not to accept/bring anymore clothes from his family because the boys have plenty. Our sons are ND, they only like certain clothes. Plus, the person who has to deal with it is always me and I told him so and unless he is going to sort it, don’t bring them in the house. He currently has clothes from our niece in his car given to him by his sister who I know heard me tell him not to bring them home (his parents and sister live 5+ hours away from us). Our niece is 11, our DD is 2.5. I’m not storing clothes in our house for almost 8 years in hopes DD will want to wear them. I’m already in the midst of getting rid of things now and I don’t want more added.

I don’t have patience for such people anymore. It’s being rude while believing they are being nice when really it’s laziness on their part and they don’t consider who they are passing on their tasks to.

I’d say ‘how lovely, but we have plenty, thank you though. Let me put this back in your car for you’ and then do just that, put it back in their car or plop it right near the boot and go back inside. Takes less than a minute to call and check instead of choosing to pawn it off on others.