Husband anger issues

[Sunnyday14558]

My husband gets really angry. Most of the time he’s a god dad with a fair amount of patience. Yesterday he got some news from work which put him in a bad mood and I felt he was taking it out on the boys (2 and 4) at bedtime by generally being grumpy and lacking patience. This kept going until I said ‘please don’t take it out on the boys’ at which point he told me to (expletive) off and then threw the eldest’s favourite book so hard on the floor it broke. He then stormed off and left me with two very upset children. Today I took my sons to softplay and my eldest was being excessively aggressive towards other children (although I could have been sensitive to this given the incident last night) I confronted him about it tonight and suggested he address his anger issues to which he said if I stop making him angry then it won’t happen. I’m honestly upset and confused about what to do at this point.

you are not ‘making’ him angry. Know that 💐

This isn’t acceptable. When he’s calmer I think you need to discuss it with him. Is he under a lot of stress at the moment or is it his usual way? If he’s stressed he needs to find an outlet for it that’s not you guys; or he needs to leave.

Telling you he won't shout and throw things if you stop making him angry seems too close to I wouldn't have hit you if youbhadnt made me etc, not saying he'd hit you but it's sailing close to thr wind with that reply he gave.

This. I’m so sorry OP.

I’m sorry to hear about this. From my own experience it’s incredibly difficult to grow up with an angry dad. It’s something that affects me even now. He needs to deal with his issues or leave.

These are his ‘big feelings’ that he’s never learned to deal with apart from repressing them until he can’t any more.
Ask him what he’s going to do about them, do not find any solutions for him, he’s not a four year old.
Ask him for his plan and see if he’s following through. Any delaying tactics and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be modelling walking on eggshells to your boys, that you want them to grow up in a healthy environment. His choice: he deals with it or you walk.

Being grumpy and lacking patience whilst putting children to bed happens, especially after a hard day. Were the kids getting upset though and you felt the need to step in and make your comment or was his grumpiness and lack of patience just getting on your wick?

Yes, he shouldn’t have told you to f.off and thrown the book but maybe up until then he was just holding everything together.

We are allowed to be grumpy and lacking patience as long as it’s not upsetting the children.

Bet he doesnt swear at people and throw/break things at work.....

So is this unusual behaviour in a marriage? I.e the dad gets angry. My dad is/was very angry and I grew up in a house of arguing. I don’t want that for my kids but keep feeling somehow that parents get angry and people argue. My husband is most of the time a very good dad but there are a few behaviours, namely the anger, which I’m starting to question.

Well he does get angry at people at work and recently shouted at the neighbour. That’s when I started to wonder if it’s a problem. Namely when I saw the anger directed at others

In hindsight, I wished I hadn’t said anything. I felt like his grumpiness was escalating and it was getting on my wick. I think it’s because I spend all day trying to be kind, stay calm and not get angry with the kids and then he comes for the hour before bed and just took al his annoyance out on us without even trying. I could/should have been more tactful though.

nah this is not ok and it’s worrying anyone would defend it. Breaking the kids stuff on purpose is a red line. Telling you to fuck off is a red line. Poor kids witnessing that.

I did feel genuinely sorry for the kids and had to reassure them that it wasn’t their fault while at the same time trying not to undermine dad and confuse them further. He had the book in his hand when he lost his temper and then just threw it to the ground. He didn’t seek the book out to break. He’s a big guy though so it was pretty scary.

My dad is/was very angry and I grew up in a house of arguing. I don’t want that for my kids

You recreated what you saw modeled for you during your childhood. Your kids will do that too. Your oldest already is.

In hindsight, I wished I hadn’t said anything. I felt like his grumpiness was escalating and it was getting on my wick.

You're thinking it's better to walk on eggshells because now you're afraid to set him off.

Well he does get angry at people at work and recently shouted at the neighbour.

Your husband is an angry, abusive asshole. He broke your kid's book. He's escalating and his abuse is directed at everyone around him. You need to tell someone close what's going on and get advice from your local domestic violence hotline.

Well, you’re married, so you’re stuck with him for the rest of your life…

I grew up in a household with an angry dad. We all walked on eggshells wondering what mood he’d be in when he got home from work. To be honest, even at the time I knew it wasn’t normal as friends Dads didn’t behave like that.
It really hardened me that I was going to raise the bar for my own kids and they weren’t going to grow up scared in their own home like I did. I actually grew to resent my mum for putting up with it.
I’m not saying my DH is perfect 100% of the time but he’s not shouty, angry and abusive.
You don’t need to continue the cycle with your own kids, hold him to higher standards.

It’s not normal, my dad never swore or got angry around me, I never felt he was frustrated or annoyed with me either, my uncle and grandfathers were lovely gentle men too so I get really anxious around angry men

Stop saying he's a good Dad because he isn't. You've chosen someone exactly like your own Dad.

Look I'm probably a bit biased here, just reading your OP put that sick feeling of dread back in the pit of my stomach because I had an XH with a temper on him who could (and did) ruin anything with his moods. I wouldn't be surprised if the mere mention of that book sends your 4yo right back to how he felt last night for the rest of his life.

We all get angry sometimes, but normal kind people will acknowledge that and apologise once they've calmed down. Abusive arseholes double down and blame others, make their anger someone else's problem to fix.

my ex was like this too. When my children were small there were fewer incidents but they creep in. Abuse doesn’t start instantly. It’s about control. You’ll be so worried now at bedtime that he’ll probably never have to do it again.
People often say ‘ oh I bet he doesn’t do it at work’ but mine did. He shouted at everyone.
I had a 20 year relationship that I thought was happy and like you assumed that’s what other people felt like as I grew up with an angry dad too.
We split after 20 years and like you all he says is if didn’t annoy him he wouldn’t get angry.
Im not going to say LTB as I know it’s not that easy but be very aware.

You can't fix him.

You can divorce him.

I’m nearly 50 and your post gave me that tight tummy feeling from when my df would get angry. I’d have thought it was normal if I hadn’t married dh, who can control himself. I still vividly remember the first time he was properly (and justifiably) annoyed with me, and reigned himself in. I had no idea that was actually possible.

The problem with growing up with a model like that is that you don’t know. You married someone who doesn’t know how to control himself, and it’s a reasonable guess that he was raised by someone similar. The cycle can be broken but he has to want to, and to realise it can be done.

But, sometimes you need to know when to cut your losses. Not all men are capable of change, or interested in trying. This is the classic book on angry men.

You don't want your kids to grow up scared. Either your DH does a LOT of work to control his anger or you leave the marriage.

Really not normal. Being grumpy and then apologising to the children when you realise you are is normal. Throwing and damaging their possessions isn't. Shouting at a neighbour isn't.

My husband had a shouty angry dad and is determined he won't he thr same for our son, as he remembers being afraid, and trying tontread carefully even at a young age to avoid anger from his dad.

My dad wasn't angry in general but the most random.things would set him.off, like he'd not be angry all day then a cup of water would he spilled and he'd go off suddenly, I still remember it from being very small.

So angry dad might be common but doesn't make it OK. Your husband has self control even if denies it, he also has feet so can walk away and take a breather instead of inflicting his own spleen on his family.