Thoughts on this article about being the childless friend

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I am a mother of six but I get it. My sister is childless, not through choice, and if I couldnt do anything with her because of the kids I would always try to have a Plan B "I cant do X date as its the nativity that day, but any other day is fine". She understood and we worked out how to make it work.

I have friends without kids who have had this sort of treatment so I do get it.

https://inews.co.uk/opinion/64-childfree-parent-friends-lives-important-4398708?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-gb

Ignore it. She’s 64 and annoyed that her friend hung up on her.
My mum is the same age and would never do this. she loves her grandkids and they can easily wait when she’s busy.

Whats her age got to do with her attitude?

I think it’s written to be controversial.

Some of the examples she gives are poor behaviour - a friend who facetimed her son during lunch for example- that’s just rude.

However a lot of the examples make it clear that she simply feels left out when her friends are busy with their kids or grandchildren or talking about their shared experience with kids. She’s clearly sad it never happened for her. I take it she is also single from her references to her love life anecdotes.

I’ll be honest - I slightly wondered if her friends find her anecdotes a bit boring and her attitude a bit combative or critical, and that’s partly why they aren’t always available to her (using kids as an excuse) or speak to their kids whilst with her. But maybe I’m being mean.

Poor lady is married, I suppose. I'm the single friend with kids and I find I'm always bottom in the hierarchy of friendships as "the men" always come first. I guess each person has their own chip on their shoulder.

I think it's a very poor article by a very self indulgent woman, and/or written to be controversial. (Samantha Brick style).

Of course, parents should put their children first and ahead of their friends. It's only natural, esecially when they are young and dependent.

I say that as someone who can't have children.
Yes, it sucks but you have to make your peace with it or you'll end up in a spiral of bitter negativity & end up writing articles like that.

Her examples, if true, are nothing to with parenthood and more to do with bad manners.

Most childless people, or certainly the ones I know, don't think like that.

Of course it is rude to hang up on someone, cancel at the last minute or take a long call while you’re in company. I agree with her on that.

But maybe some of her friendships have run their course. It sounds like they’re at different stages of life and have less in common than they used to.

I think some friendships are for life, but others are for that stage in your life.

Friends that you had a great time partying with in your 20s may not still be your close friends in your late 30s when you’ve got two under 5s and partying is the last thing in your mind. Same with close work colleagues if you choose to step off the corporate ladder. What bound you together is gone, so the friendships wither away.

It sounds like she has now found friends at the same stage in life as her, with similar interests. These will be her new best buddies.

Yes this leaped out at me “We were led
to believe that friendship was a pact for life”

were we? I certainly wasn’t. She’s writing as if these friends have broken some sort of contract by no longer being quite as interested in spending time with her, but it’s normal for friendships to become less close when you are busy and leading quite different lives.

I've seen a lot of content like this lately and it does come across quite self involved. I say this as a childfree person.

I think the article article is written in the same annoying way that this stuff always is

It's not the sort of thing I read if you know what I mean

I know what she means, though

The FaceTimeing with the son - i used to have a friend who would do that kind of thing

I have gradually become very lonely. I'm single as well. I'm really glad to be childfree. But I didn't realise people would drop out of life forever. First it was the kids are little and they're busy - fine. Totally respect it. But now it just seems they're busy with the kids all the time into adulthood and then it's going to be grandchildren

The writer of the article seemed to have had some luck meeting childfree people though - that's good.

I had really close friends and I helped out with the children in some cases and I still got dumped. It's a lonely place to be. But the article hasn't covered that very well has it?

I agree with PPs that these are examples of bad manners, it’s nothing to do with having (or not) children.
@whiteroseredrose is right, these friendships have probably run their course because their lives are very different. If this lady still works I’m sure some of her retired friends can tell the same about her - they are not her priority.
If I call my mum and she is out with a friend I say: ok will call you later. The same if I’m out with a friend and she calls me.
Exaggeration is useful sometimes to make a point but this article has became unrealistic due to exaggeration.

Yes I don't think all parents are like this; I don't think any of my parent friends would do the things she's mentioned.

It's all exaggerated for effect of course, but I do wonder if she's banging on endlessly about her dating life, and her friends are over it.

even when with my fellow mom friends, I don't recognise any of those behaviours. I wouldn't be friends with someone who tested me like that regardless of who they were ditching or ignoring me for.

those of us who had kids had them in our 30s so we had well over a decade of being friends as adults. clubbing, holidays, all the men 🤣. we knew how t{ be adult friends long before we became parents so i do wonder if it's harder if the parenthood stuff took over just as yoi were growing into adult friendships.

but her friends are clearly just rude.

The world revolves around parents sadly. Always has, always will.

I am still friends with people from shool,and now we're in our 50s, it's getting easier to meet again because the kids are are mostly old enough to be moving out, or at least left on their own.

What is challenging is finding a time for a group to meet. Some might be doing things with their children- of any age - or dealing with parents or meeting other friends or extended family, travelling for work, doing hobby-related stuff, on holiday, doing sports... Most people I know, whether they had children or not, are just leading full, busy lives, and we have to juggle lots of different things, some of which, for some people, are their children.

Friendships change and adapt as you get older and go through different changes in life. My BF now looks after her DGC three days a week, so obviously I don’t see her then, but we do meet up other times (and talk about our respective DC and DGC). The lady writing the article sounds very self-involved.

She needs new friends for sure, but they don’t have to be childless. I’m 64 too, my youngest has just turned 21 and when not at uni lives with me. And while yes if I see it’s one of my kids on the phone I’ll answer it, but only to tell them unless it’s urgent I’ll call them back, but I want to know if it IS urgent: you do not ever stop being a parent no matter how old your child is. And none of my friends would interrupt or cancel a coffee date to go get lemsip for their kid!
I certainly don’t think I’m more important than my child free friends . I didn’t have children til my 40s, so know what it’s like to have most of my friends get married and have kids while I remained single. But I did appreciate that their priorities had changed and it wasn’t until their kids were well into their teens that parents started getting out of that bubble, though our friendships mostly remained intact. And in my experience old marrieds are well intrigued by the dating lives of their single friends! Envious even!

Tbh I’ve always assumed when the kids are older and potentially work is slowing down that me and my friends will finally have their for one another. The pact for life is unfair though, I’ve had friendships last years and drift away. And I’ve had short term friendships that have worked for a time.
people change, and so do their lives it’s unrealistic to expect anyone to dedicate themselves selves to you above their family. Although hanging up and fave timing people is plain rude.

The phone call thing is very annoying. My friends son is 28. She treats him like an 8 year old. Whatever we are doing, she picks up every one of his many calls and chats for ages. All non emergency stuff.

I read some if this but got too annoyed 😝 if anything my good, single friend without children is much more flaky than me! I always stuck to tines/arrangements but she often didn’t. Obviously if a child was ill then I had to pull out, but if it was a minor illness dh could cover.
ive always been v conscious of the fact she didn’t get an opportunity to have children and she loves my children too and enjoys seeing them when they’re around.
id never take a long call from one of them -I do answer in case it’s urgent but if not I’ll say I’m busy and we’ll call later.
i do have a couple of other friends without kids but I don’t see them as often - that’s not on me though!

I think its a load of self indulgent, moaning negative bollocks, frankly.

Ive seen this woman write other articles about how she's worried she'll have noone to look after her in her old age due to having no kids as if thats the only reason to have them.

I have children and I have never once slammed the phone down on a friend, childless or not. I've always been there for my friends and supported them even when my children were small. I was my best friend's bridesmaid when my youngest was 6 months old as an example.

The most flaky friend I have ever had in my life was childless - he used to let me down constantly at the last moment, often when I had booked and paid for child care or when I had invited him round for a meal and was just taking it out of the oven. I'd get the inevitable "oh so sorry darling, I cant make it now, something has come up". After several decades of this I finally had enough and we are no longer friends.

As for assertion that I should be putting my friends before my own kids - WTAF? what does that even mean?- I have a parental responsibility to look after them, I dont have a legal responsibility to look after my friends because they are all capable adults. I have never once thought my life was "more important" than anyone else's - I might have more responsibilities but that isnt the same as thinking "I am SO damn important".

She sounds like she has a huge, unpleasant chip on her shoulder and I dont appreciate her generalising about parents as if they are one huge monolith. I am quite sure she wouldn't like it if I did that about people without children.....

About to tell her friend about ‘risqué texts she’s exchanging with a charming man’ maybe the friend knew what was coming and hung up 🤣

Her friends' children are more important to them than she is. And the issue is...?

She sounds insufferable, and the journalist is incapable of writing an article without mentioning being ‘child free’. Some people make it their whole personality.

I think one problem is how older kids and teenagers are still babied by many parents. Even adult kids with children of their own are often still act dependent on their parents to provide childcare. Take that thread where the OPs friend wanted to bring their 12 year old to a meet up because the diddums didn't like being home alone, that never used to be normal.