To think it’s not always that the mum is a narcissist?

[shockingday]

I have 2 daughters 8 and 10 and my eldest is very well behaved, good manners and generally a kind and considerate person.
My youngest is strong willed and can be quite challenging behaviour wise but in her eyes her sister can do no wrong when she’s right in the fact I never need to tell my eldest off because she is always good at home and good at school and wouldn’t want to do anything wrong because it’s just not in her nature so I can see the contrast in how my children will view my parenting towards them as my youngest is quite often doing things she knows she shouldn’t and gets told about things.

It’s got me thinking that when she grows up she might see her sister as a golden child and her as a black sheep and me as a narcissist as lots of children do and claim she was always in trouble and her sister could do no wrong, but actually they are loved just the same but truthfully one is easy and does exactly as she asks and is helpful, chatty and friendly so easy to get along with and the other is defiant a lot of the time and argumentative making it a lot more challenging.

I often hear of narcissistic parents who people feel had favourites who were treated differently and wonder if sometimes, not always but it may not be the case that there was a golden child and a black sheep and that there was actually just a child that was always good and a child that wasn’t?

One of mine is far more challenging than the other, but I don’t talk about my kids the way you do yours. You sound like you think you are justified having a favourite because one is lovely and the other misbehaves. Obviously both kids must have great qualities rather than one just being naughty.

I can see your point in some ways but the way you’ve talked about the kids lines up with how you think your youngest will view you in my opinion.

You're way out of line, OP. There aren't 'good children' and 'bad children' aged eight and ten. You are creating this situation. You need to find a way of getting through to your younger daughter. If she's misbehaving, maybe she needs more positive, individual attention, and less comparison, implicit or explicit, with her older sister.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Some kids are just bloody hard work and some aren’t. The ones that aren’t obviously don’t get told off loads.

My eldest does no wrong. Middle child is in trouble a lot, well was, it's definitely reduced the last year or so. They're 17 and 15 now and I can't imagine them ever seeing it as golden child and scapegoat. I love them both the same, have lots of positive moments with them both and strong bonds. I never compare them or say things like "Middle you should be more like eldest/eldest never does this". They both have their strengths and I tell them individually what they are.

There are SO many other things beyond the perception of a golden child and a scapegoat child that makes the parent a narcissist.

Firstly stop "labelling" your children.

Secondly, the scapegoat is very often the well behaved, no trouble child. And their less well behaved sibling is the one that gets all the attention.

So perhaps it's worth you thinking about about your family dynamics?

That’s not how it works OP. As a family scapegoat I can do no right - I was the easiest going well behaved child who was constantly criticised, teased, put down and punished when I broke and reacted to the constant negativity.

I hope your DD’s feel equally loved and don’t hear you labelling them.

I don't think that labelling the mother a narcissist is the next step in any of these scenarios?

Your focus has to be on having a challenging 8 year old and how you can help her move through this, rather than worrying about what she might think in 20 years time?

The term narcissist is very over used on Mumnsnet.

Challenging behaviour is communication and usually unmet need. I could tell my 3 year old off all day long, but I choose connection over correction where I can. It’s imperative to me that he feels like a ‘good boy’. If my kids get in trouble at school, I talk it through with them and leave it there - if they get a detention they sit it. That’s the punishment.

Those perfect do no wrong kids can be very good at not getting caught. My brother use to to all sorts of things to wind me up, nip, push, take me things, not take turns / share properly. It was always me that got in trouble. My Mum was generally clueless and quite shocked when he laughed about all the things he did to me!

Given NPD is a life long condition it stands to reason that every narcissistic mother was once a narcissistic daughter, who's own mother may have been blameless.

Sadly I grew up with the same dynamic as this poster.
My brother however, misbehaving little shit as he was, couldn’t put a foot wrong in the eyes of my narcissistic mother.
Your post makes me deeply uncomfortable as you clearly have no real idea about narcissistic dynamics.
Sounds like you are essentially trying to absolve yourself of any blame for having a favourite child and labelling the “difficult” one a possible narcissist herself?!
Sounds to me like you know what you are.
Stop treating her as the scapegoat for your own failings and bear in mind that she knows she’s not the favourite (I did).

I can't quite believe what I'm reading on this thread. So sorry OP that you are getting such a hard time!

You clearly state you love your children equally, but their respective behaviour means that they need different parenting and this might retrospectively be viewed as giving one child preferential treatment. This is a tale as old as time and one that many parents face, especially when there is ND or SEN involved.

Not every child needs the same thing from a parent and some children need more boundaries and discipline than others. This can be painful for all involved but it is what's needed if you are to treat your children as individuals and meet their unique needs. I think the important thing is to emphasise to the child involved that you are doing what you do because it's in their best interest and you love them.

Hard work. Some kids just are and some aren't.

TBH, as a teacher I prefer the sparky kids. The heads down, silently working ones are boring.

I don’t think you are wrong to be honest. TW mentions CSA

My brother abused his sisters one of them for decades according to her and my parents have focused on protecting his image and their own image rather than confronting the abuse.

When people talk about scapegoating, golden children and narcissistic parenting/families that is what real psychology means.

Modern social media driven pop psychology has interpreted these extremes and tried to integrate them into normal family dynamics.

OP, I think you came on this thread just to muse but it has thrown some very concerning mindsets into stark relief.

if you are already concerned tha tby th etime your younger DD grows up she wll believe that she was always unfairly in trouble, you didn't love her etc, I think you need to be prioritising SOLVING that problem rather than already getting ready with a defensive, "I'm not a narcissist" approach. Becuase yes, a young child who is always in trouble, whatever the reason, in many cases, this is a problem for th eparent to solve. Some children ARE more difficult to parent, that's true, but nonetheless, it's our job as parents to figure eout how to do it.

This ^^ 100%

I've got 3 boys and I could count on one hand the amount of times I've had to tell the middle one off.

What’s she said that’s so bad?

I didn’t say it was ‘so bad’. Read the OP and my comment. If you don’t agree that’s fine

The PP didn't say you said 'it was so bad'.

They're asking you what makes you think it was so bad.

They weren't quoting you.

My mother would have said the same about me and older DB who was the golden child who could do no wrong and i was the disappointment, except objectively it was the opposite.

My DB was a little shit, he was consistently in trouble throughout primary and secondary school, close to expeltion on occasions and asked to move to another school for 6th form, had 9 points on his driving licence before he was 18, failed a year at uni and liked to set things on fire.

I was rarely in trouble and even then only for talking too much and certainly NEVER anything requiring reporting to parents, got consistently good grades, went straight through uni into a professional career, bought a house at 21.

My mother who i am estranged from has actually told me i'm not the daughter she wanted, and has put my SIL up on a pedestal and treated her like a precious princess from the day she met her. I've had life long mental health problems as a result if her rejection and bullying.

My brother, against all odds is a really nice guy as an adult (he was nice as a kid just a pain in the arse).

OP, you don't like your second DD, who I'm sure is an amazing human being with her own strengths that you can't see and embrace. She is just different to your first daughter who clearly meets the idea of what you wanted. If you'd listed all the positive things about your second DD and said that she can be a handful as a result sometimes i might buy into your idea, but you didn't.

What are you talking about? They did quote me, and asked what was so bad.

"What’s she said that’s so bad?"

Is not the same as "You actually said it was so bad".

They're just asking you to explain your take on it a bit more.

Yeah my mum labelled me as the “difficult” child because I challenged her. My sister was the golden child who could do no wrong. Here’s how it went. My mum made it obvious she preferred my sister. My sister obviously absorbed this over time and privately bullied me for years knowing my mum would never believe me. It took years of work between my sister and I to undo the damage. Now neither of us like our mum and keep very limited contact with her. Good luck.

Why do you need to explain their post? I’ve already replied to them. No need for your help thanks

One child is better behaved than the other; obviously, the kid who is not as well behaved will be told off more.
Where does narcissism come into anything?