Taking daughters phone

[Chickencuddle]

Dd is 13.
She has exams and is meant to be revising the last few days. She says she needs her phone for notes and revision things. I ran her a bath this evening while she was revising and yesterday I asked if she was taking her phone in the bathroom as it was taking her an hour in the bath each time. She said she wasnt and i said thats good. Dont take your phone in please.
Told her she couldn't take an hour tonight as her siblings also needed to use the bath. 35 minutes later I knocked on to say she needed to start getting out.
Left her 10 minutes then went back as she still wasnt out and told her age needed to get out now. Kept going back every 2 minutes and she still took an hour. She is snappy and rude in the way she talks to me. Everything is my fault. She was saying shes not washed her hair abd it takes time etc.
When she came out I asked where her phone was as I was suspicious. She said her room. I told her to show me. She went in...no phone. Then said oh no actually my blazer downstairs. I followed her and she had clothes in her hand. She stood awkwardly not doing anything so told her to put the clothes down so she could look. She said "why omg" theb wheb she did she had her phone in her hand rhe whole time.
So her attitude this evening was horrible. Speaking to me nastily most of the day and snappy. Took an hour in the bath when I told her she needed to keep it to half an hour and was ratty when I kept reminding her. Turns the blame round constantly. Then lied about her phone and did something intold her not to do.
She then said its my fault abd I lie all the time. I asked when have I lied and that im always honest with her then she started going on about santa and the easter bunny. Which she found out about 2 years ago....
I jyst dont know what to do. Every day is the same atm big dramas and I try to talk to her. I wrote her a note saying why I had taken her phone and that im happy to talk about anything etc etc. Big note. And I love her but behaviour isnt ok etc.
Then she wrote me a note back saying she wasnt talking to me and to not bother. Her. Please help. Am I doing everyone wrong. I just dont know

Oh also I took it until weekend. Not indefinitely

Took the phone until the weekend not indefinitely

She also said she hates me alot. Actually feel like crying

If it's any consolation sounds like a very typical 13 year old. I could have written this post.
And keep fighting on the phone.... it's like trying to keep drug addicts away from drugs...

My usually very sweet natured girl has become similar to yours since turning 13. I can only assume its a flooding of hormones and in our case secondary school stress, everything is changing for them, their bodies and environments and the emotion comes exploding out of them. I have also nearly been in tears at the words coming out of her mouth but I remind myself I need to be her constant, I am the adult acting in her best interests (they won't recognise this yet) and I won't waiver, you're not doing anything wrong just keep being loving but firm.

In all honesty I remember being awful to my own mum at that age, I couldn't seem to control myself and I did feel remorseful but I couldn't bring myself to admit it at the time. I was informed the teenage years were very testing, I was also told they usually emerge the other side a delight!

Thanks so much for replies. Glad its not just me. I just don't know how to help her.

Agreed, this definitely sounds like standard young teenage girl behaviour.

I'd drop her phone in the bath next time!

This is a you problem. Why can't she take her phone into the bath, the poor kid needs some relaxation time. You sound like very hard work so don't get so uptight over things that just don't matter. No wonder she's lying to you you're making it impossible for her not to.

Crikey. When you tell her not to take her phone somewhere, she physically gives it to you. I had a phone out of the bedroom at night rule and she had to plug it in in my room. The bloody fuss when she had a sleepover and I insisted on the same rule for friends. Don’t like it, go home then. Hopefully Social Media will soon be banned for under 16s so it won’t be an issue. Root of much of the social anxiety of today.

It sounds normal behaviour and you did the right thing taking the phone. I personally would have started with a smaller timescale like 24 hrs. All week is a long time and if the behaviour scales up you will end up confiscating it more than she has it. But ultimately you did nothing wrong and you shouldn't worry too much. Her behaviour isnt nice but its standard.

Did you read the OP?

The DD was taking an hour in the bath because she was pratting about on her phone instead of washing when op had specifically said 1. Please don't take you phone in and 2. Be quick as other people need to use the bath. It was having an impact on others so it did matter.

Perfectly reasonable requests which the DD ignored.

I guess by being consistent and reminding her of your expectations. . So when she gets her phone back maybe have a new rule about leaving it outside the bathroom with you or plugged in or something. Then enforce that. Or do you use an app like family link? Could you remember to block.it.when she is in the bath? Depends what works for you.

I have to admit though I find that really hard as I forget things and get distracted myself. For example I told my daughter she wasnt allowed her phone before school anymore because she was messing about on it and making us late but then I forgot to block.it or take it away for a few days so i looked inconsistent. Its really hard.

@YourShyLion it’s not complicated. Spending an hour lying in the bath gets boring without a phone, but with a phone an hour passes easily. OP’s DD is not the only person in the house. Others live there and need baths too. If DD has her phone , she spends an hour in the bath, preventing others from getting in there. OP said not to take phone, so bath would be shorter.

13 year old DD s and their hormones. It’s a tricky couple of emotional years but their phones are so important to them I wouldn’t take it off her as punishment. I just wouldn’t. It cuts them off from too much which 13 is too much and will cause to much anxiety. I’d rather make her do activities with you instead or just watch a film together that’s punishment enough if she’s not into doing that on the proviso she can have her phone so long as you hang out watching a film together or playing uno

I think your making a mountain out of a molehill with this one and the removal of the phone for that long was too much. DD will prob get better with her lies if you carry on over reacting to stuff like this.

I'd probably removed the phone for a shorter time, but you're absolutely correct to take it away.

For what its worth - please take the phone out of the bedroom at night too, so many teens awake all night on a phone without their parent knowing.

Regarding the note. Why are you not having face to face communication? This is a skill young people need to learn. Its also a bit desperate on your part; let her come to you a little bit.

YANBU. I am a very relaxed parent, but I was (and ex too) very strict on respect. Maybe I was just lucky with well behaved kids, as my friends constantly ask how my kids (now young adults) are so well behaved and I do say because I started when they were very young on the ‘don’t you dare speak to me in that tone, I am your mother’.

Of course they could give their opinions, but never in a rude way. I can’t believe the way my friends teen DD’s speak to her parents, especially some of the stuff said to her long suffering father. Friend was also rude to her parents as I remember as a late teen being round there and totally shocked at the tone used. Now her own DD’s are doing the same. I’d be putting in consequences every time she is rude. Parents seem terrified to discipline their kids these days.

Giving consequences for being rude to your parent and lying is not making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s no wonder there’s so many disrespectful kids around who can’t tolerate being told no when parents just do nothing if their teen is being rude and disrespectful.

So she lost her phone from now to the weekend because she took it into the bath with her and said she hadn't? To me that seems like too harsh a punishment. I'm all for using consequences etc but they should be proportionate otherwise she feels resentful.

A few days without social media will do the kid good. It’s really sad isn’t it that we have a generation of kids who can’t survive a few days without their phone, and a generation of parents too scared to parent. It’s only equivalent of our parents grounding us for a week. Yes, you were cut off from your friends for the week, you might have missed a party, or something exciting. That’s the whole point of grounding so that you think twice next time. Taking the phone is also relevant to ‘the crime’. A random punishment for lying and being rude to your mum isn’t relevant. If her DD can’t manage an hour without her phone to take a bath then it will do her good to de-tox for a few days.

I really hope the government implements this social media ban for under 16’s as it’s clear there are so many parents afraid to take their child’s phone and believe some kind of damage is going to occur if they are without it for a few days. Children are being let down by their parents and the impacts of the phone obsessed generation will be apparent in the future, we are already seeing it.

I've got amazing teenagers who are respectful and doing great so I must have done something right so far.
I didn't advocate doing absolutely nothing but I do feel removing her phone for days as a knee jerk reaction was disproportionate.

I agree with @Zanatdy .

Why does she have a fully smart phone at age 13?

Good on you for giving her a break without it.

Enforce new rules - one being that all phones are in a box downstairs by 8 pm, yours included.

No phones in bathrooms.

Put a timer in the bathroom with an alarm. Agree to a reasonable time for bathing (half an hour) and showering (ten minutes) to be out of the bathroom - allowing for other family members to use the same bathroom.

Go regularly to a remote weekend place of natural beauty and spend time walking with your daughter.

Invite her friends over.

Her best friend is over all the time. We ho ealking in nature every weekend as we live near a beach or we go to local national trust etc. The timer in bathroom is good idea. Ill have to buy one.
She doesnt have snapchat or any social media only uses phone to watch netflix as sometimes doesnt want to watch what her siblings are watching as they are younger. She also uses it to browse clothes and for homework and phoning etc.
Phone is given to me to charge at 8 every night. To give her time to wind down before bed.

I wrote her a note because id given her time to cool down and she still wasnt talking to me. I always worry there's more behind behaviour. I also had other kids to take care of and get to sleep as it was their bedtime. So I wrote her a note to say I loved her but behaviour wasnt ok etc and we could talk about it and I would listen etc and that she could write if easier.
It was getting close to bedtime and I wanted to resolve things before she went to bed. Which didnt happen as she refused to talk to.me and wrnt to sleep without a hug or anything. Said she didnt want me anywhere near her.
She has tests today in school and really wanted her to go in fresh without any worries but I guess that won't happen now. Will try to talk to her this morning but knowing what a grudge she holds I dont think it will happen.