Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

It’s so tricky, as they may also feel that money is tight. Can you compromise, like offering to pay for food but not drinks?

I think in this day and age it’s absolutely fine. After all it’s not too bad for one person to pay for their own meal.
Maybe you could pay for desserts/coffees as a gesture?

That was my thought too. But it's hard to know how to phrase things if people are expecting to be hosted, I find!

I wouldn’t. If I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, I’d have a party at home.

I would never be able to invite people out for a meal and in the same breath ask them to pay for it! But I'm old school perhaps!

If you invite them you pay.

Have a party at home and ask people to bring a bottle.

If you invite them you need to pay. Have a BBQ at home if it's too much

For a random dinner out, then they should pay for themselves and shouldn’t need to be asked to do so. But since this is for your son’s 18th and you’re hosting a dinner to celebrate, it’s probably expected that you will pay.
I’d always offer to pay for myself, or if the host says no then I’d offer to get a round of drinks or coffees and leave the tip etc. But since you’re asking then it implies your husband’s family won’t offer, so they’ll definitely expect you to pay. So if you really don’t want to, you will have to tell them beforehand.

You are likely to get a very mixed response here.

I would never expect someone else to pay for a restaurant meal for me, no matter why we were there. I would expect to either go Dutch (aka pay for what i ordered) or for the cost to be split evenly between the people there.

The problem is how you make that known. If it's a set menu it's easier ('the menu is £x per person').

It's his 18th birthday.

I think you need to suffer "feeling tight" when you are in fact being tight.

It's his 18th and you can afford it and its his wish...
Honestly I'd be delighted if an 18 yo wanted to spend time with their family and would be facilitating it.

If you are too cheap to do that hold something at your house.

It’s fine. I wouldn’t expect somebody to pay for my restaurant meal just because they invited me. I would always assume that I am paying for myself.

I don’t know if it’s just where I’m from but I would never expect someone to pay for me if they’d invited me out for a meal - I would always expect to be paying for myself so find it weird how many people on mumsnet always get funny about this type of thing.

it’s absolutely fine OP to just say “we’d love for you to join us at X restaurant on X date - here’s the link so you can look at the menu - please let us know if you can make it so we know for numbers - just to let you know everyone will be paying for their own food and drinks, would love for you to come”

It’s quite possible they are also feeling the pinch and may feel put under pressure to come when they can’t really afford it.

the usual solution in these circs is a family party at home - maybe bbq or something less costly plus smaller family group go to posh restaurant

I think the distinction here is between being invited out for a nice meal - most people would expect to pay their own way, unless they were left behind in the last century. But for a milestone birthday I think it’s not unreasonable that some might consider that to be a ‘party’ and might think the food was all being paid for. There’s nothing wrong with being clear with people. Saves embarrassment on the night and they can then make their own choice can’t they?

YABU to invite them to a restaurant meal and then expect them to pay for themselves. Have that meal as just immediate family then invite others to something separate that you host at home, which can of course be a BYOB.

I think it’s fine if everyone’s clear.

Going by previous threads though, where someone who had a salad and tap water was expected to pay the same as someone with steak and wine, I’d also check beforehand if anyone would like to just pay for what they’re having rather than joining in with splitting the bill.

Until MN I had no idea that adults actually expect to be paid for when eating out. I pay for my own food, but then I’m not a freeloader. It is hard for DH if that’s not the norm in his circle tho. I think he needs to just bite the bullet tbh.

Same! I would never ever expect someone who’d invited me for a catch up or out for their birthday at a restaurant to pay for me. Maybe it’s the social circles I’m in but I find it really odd (and a bit freeloadery as well tbh!)

I genuinely hate the expectation that the person inviting out has to pay for it. Everything is expensive now and if you don't invite then you end up not doing anything, showing another reason why society is lonely. I want to pay for me and my household so I can budget and not owe anyone anything (by which I mean more expectations or reciprication of having to go out again). My friends and I have always done this. If you ever want to pay for someone then you have to immediately and directly say 'my treat'. Otherwise it should always be expected to pay for yourself.

Just say to the family that you are going out to celebrate the birthday and that they are very welcome to come but everyone has to pay for themselves.

What about if you paid for the food and went for set menus but people bought their own drink? I don't think I'd be buying so many people free drinks!

Or rather if they were in my house then I'd be happy to buy the drinks, but not out in a restaurant. I know some people would be very keen to have drinks they wouldn't normally pay for.

All these people just saying host it at home… not knowing if someone can have a BBQ in the garden (might not have a garden! Or a BBQ!) or just BYOB without knowing if they even have space to host people.

I think it you invite, you pay, especially for a 18th. Also would it not be a bit hard to try and divide the bill between a lot of people who all had different things?!

Yeah, for a big event/milestone birthday, if I was invited, I would assume the other party is paying.

I wouldn't mind being asked to pay my own way, but would want it spelled out in advance. I also, personally, think it's always nice for the hosts to pay something. Eg the wine, or champagne on arrival or whatever.