In laws and DD

[Bella6761]

Am I being unreasonable here?
My DD is 4 and my BIL's son is 7. I've been feeling increasingly upset about the difference in how they're treated by the family and I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive.
The 7-year-old has sleepovers at MIL's, gets taken on day trips, and generally seems to get a lot more attention. Even when gifts are bought, they tend to be much nicer than what my daughter gets. When I've mentioned it to DH, he says I can't force people to do things and that if they did it because I asked, it wouldn't be genuine anyway.
What bothers me even more is that the boy is often unkind to my daughter and nobody seems to address it.
A few examples:

• DD brought a new tracing book and he scribbled all over it. Everyone laughed.
• She was doing a painting and he painted over it. Again, everyone laughed.
• We arrived at MIL's and DD was excited to see him, running after him calling his name. He completely ignored her. I eventually asked his mum to tell him to respond to her, and he screamed in DD's face.
• He has colouring books and pens kept at MIL's house. When I tried to give DD a page to colour, MIL said they were only for his special pens.

I seem to be the only person who ever corrects him. I don't shout at him, I just tell him calmly when something isn't OK. The only time I've been stern was when he tried to hit DD. I did once say that I didn't know why he was so mean to my daughter and that they just didn't seem to get on. Since then, SIL has apparently been saying that I don't like the nephew and that I'm mean to him. At this point I genuinely dread going there and I'm starting to feel quite resentful of the whole situation. Am I being oversensitive, or would this upset you too?

Well I wouldn’t be taking my kid over when he’s around that’s for sure. The nephew sounds like a little shit.

You’re being unreasonable. It’s pretty clear that you don’t like the other child.

He sounds awful though, she's fair enough not to like him. He's clearly the little prince of the family.

I'd not be taking my daughter round when he's there..

@SlightlyAjar I don’t dislike him, I do think he’s a naughty and mean kid but I don’t dislike him I still make effort with him and try to be fair and balanced - kids are kids obv and as adults we r meant to help shape them. But it’s just the fact that he gets a lot
drom my in laws which my DD doesn’t and I can’t help but feel maybe jealous is the right word. That probably sounds wrong and maybe I am wrong but idk like today he’s gone for a sleepover again and I just felt like why don’t they over call my daughter over etc

Do you really want your little girl to stay overnight with people who laugh when her stuff is destroyed by an older child @Bella6761 ? Or hit by him?

Imho encourage more play dates from her nursery friends and stop visiting the cousin at all. The whole family sounds horrible.

He is a brat and mean I would keep your dd away from him

Why would anyone like him? He is a mean little brat

I suppose that he has had a few years when he was the only GC and was therefore, understandably, doted on. It might take him a while to get used to not being the centre of attention.

When he does mean things like scribbling over your DDs stuff does nobody say anything to him. Do you,?

Does he see your PILs more often than you and your DD?

What does your DH do to protect his DD?

Well, presumably you have theories? They prefer him, he’s easier because he’s older than your child, they’re a bit tired of you monitoring who gets more attention?

Are these the only grandchildren? Could be a case of precious first grandchild. Is your BIL generally more favoured than your DH? Does your DH have any sisters/nieces? Is it that boys are what they're familiar with . Did they do sleepovers when eldest was 4 or is it an older child thing?
Whatever the answer to the above (which might explain but not excuse) I'd be distancing myself from the situation. And on the rare occasion I'd to turn up I would not tolerate poor behaviour from the child (or any of them). And I'd shut your sister in law down. Of course you 'adore' your delightful nephew but not his behaviour ( through gritted teeth if necessary). Start modelling to your daughter how to deal with the male of the species. Start 'em young.

@5foot5 i do correct him when he’s mean because my priority is my child. However I believe this has led them to see me as always being a nag. And I would say he possibly sees them mroe, BIL ( not his dad ) picks him from school one day a week and
keeps him for a night. I have said once or twice that they can take my daughter for a day out etc but they’ve never really responded.
I mean I would say BILs wife ( the mother) is more relaxed than me. Which might contribute aswell, as I’m big on knowing what’s going on in DDs mind and world and understanding her etc. whereas BILS wife is sort of old school.
I have tried to oraganise days out together with all of us loads of times but always fails.

@sittingonabeach he speaks up and corrects him at times but mostly he’s too busy having a chinwag and says he doesn’t realise what’s gone on

@Notthisagainyouidiot LOL
i love your reply. And yeah that’s exactly what I have started doing, teaching her to stand her ground.
DH is the oldest, but there are 7 of them so I don’t think there’s really a fav.
I would say BIL spends more money on them - we aren’t that lucky to have extra money
and no they’ve had the nephew since being a baby, and it could well be the first grandchild etc
I just wondered if I was being overall sensitive and needed to grow up I guess

@SlightlyAjar are you the BIL? What’s with the passive aggressiveness. Take it elsewhere you must have been that mean kid.

I wouldn't care for anyone who tried to hit my child.

@HangrySeal thank you ❤️

You're welcome. Stick to protecting your dd, nevermind what the family thinks. And drop the rope trying to get the grandparents to spend more time with her. They've made their feelings known, methinks, and are welcome to the company of the brat! Keep well clear.

I would be telling my DH he sorts his mother out or your daughter will not under any circumstances be going again nor will you

Frankly, I dislike him just from what you've said.

i wouldn't be subjecting my child to any of them & she would not be going there alone.

You aren't obliged to like a child just because they are a child!
Children have their own personalities just as adults do and while their behaviour might not be entirely their fault, failure on the parents' part to teach manners and correct naughty behaviour, will result in the child being less likeable!

Id stop trying to encourage your in-laws to treat your dd the same as your nephew. In the end, you might be pleased that her exposure to these people is minimal - you can't rely on them to advocate for her properly. Keep correcting your nephew when his behaviour negatively affects your dd - she needs to see that sticking up for herself is important and right and she needs to see her mum (and dad) do that for her.

You can't make people behave as you'd want them to. All you can do is control your own behaviour. In your shoes I'd stop trying to force this and would find my support system and relationships elsewhere.

He's 7, he's had 3 years of being the only one, at least 2 of those with no understanding of that. Hes gad 4 years of having a cousin.

I wouldn’t visit anymore, it’s not good for your daughter’s self esteem, they don’t deserve her. If they don’t like this, then they can start making more of an effort to spend time with her.

Sounds like another little prince that is spoiled and his behaviour never questioned or corrected.

Your daughter deserves to be treated so much better by her grandparents/uncles and aunts. You are right to stand up for her.

a 7 year old should be taught to share, not ruin another child’s drawings.

I wouldn’t go. Encourage DD to have friends of her own and have time with them.
The boy himself is just is going what he’s allowed. He is not going to change because he doesn’t have to. But the very he’s behaving won’t help him in life if he’s mean to others or destroys their things.
If your DH wants to see his parents let him go over there.
Extend an invitation for them to visit you. If they don’t come, so be it.
You can’t force pieces which don’t fit.
Keep being a wonderful mum and shirt your daughter if she’s being treated like shit, it’s time to leave. Good life lesson.

I’ve got a 7 year old and know many, there’s only one who’d ever behave like the cousin does and he’s got no friends because he’s horrible and other children rightly steer clear of him.

Stop taking her there or spending time with any of them, what a bunch of complete arseholes to let this brat bully your little girl.