AIBU to leave early because my mum is relentlessly negative?

[PlaygroundAllDay43321]

Staying with my parents for a few weeks after moving back from abroad. Just me and 3 year old toddler, DH setting up our new house. Before you come at me, they asked me to stay here, almost begged, so they can spend time with DS. Ok. They are being generally great and accommodating and loving DS.

OMFG. My mum is driving me insane. She is so negative. She's always been the type to be very stressed, likes everything absolutely perfect. If she can't do something perfectly, she doesn't see the point. They retired last year, she's only 59, in perfect health and has no money worries.

NOTHING. And I really mean nothing is ever good enough. Examples:

• I bought some clothes for DS, I got them out the bag and she found fault with every single one. Too big, too small, terrible green, the white shirt will stain.
• we go out to a restaurant, she'll find something bad with the food. She will actually make a disgusted gesture and leave half the plate there.
• I ask her about some of her old friends - oooooh she starts talking shit about them. They're all lazy, or fat, or ill (and will go on to explain how it's their fault etc). She doesn't socialize anymore (although she didn't socialize much anyway).

She's also determined to prove me wrong at everything DS related and keeps pointing at things she does better than me. Inconsequential stuff but the constant narrative is doing my head in.

I'm letting things go over my head a lot but I snapped a few times and she cried, which made me feel awful.

It's like she hates everything and everyone. AIBU to just leave early?

My parents will find it incredibly hurtful. And they are genuinely trying so hard, but my own anxiety is spiking, I've resorted to hiding in my bedroom like a teenager at all possible times as I can't be around her.

Sounds really hard, that kind of negativity relentlessly is very draining, and can start to wear you down.

Have you tried talking to her about it, gently? Like a 'Mum, I don't know if you realise, but I've noticed quite a lot of what you talk about is quite negative. Are you feeling ok? I've been wondering if you're a bit down' type approach?

@BunfightBetty I have, yes. She said she's trying her best, and this is how she is and always has been and won't change, and I'm too sensitive.

Oh god OP, I relate so much, my mother could find the negative in anything. I hope to fuck I don’t turn out like her, it’s so draining to listen to.

She probably doesn’t even realise she’s doiing it, or it’s an ingrained habit, so you’re just going to have to put boundaries in place.

How long do you have until you move? Can you just try to practice not reacting, or maybe zone out when she starts going on.

I have had to do this, I will just say ‘mm, that’s good’ or similar noncommital response.

It’s tough though, sympathies!

I know a couple of very negative people. They're hard work.

I think some people don't even know they're being constantly negative and it might help to subtly point it out each time and laugh.

With the clothes: "gosh, I didn't do very well here did I?"

With the friends: "was there anything you did like about her 😄?"

In the restaurant: "well TBF, you don't really like much do you?"

Call her a negative Nelly or something.

Sounds like you bite your tongue the whole time - that's the bit that would do my head in. Try to feel sorry for her.

There's no way to win this.

I wouldn't leave if possible.

I really think grandmothers go through some kind of second puberty when they become grandmothers and should be ignored accordingly.

"How about I try bring less sensitive and you try being more positive?

@Nihongo that's what I've been doing but I am also trying to parent a toddler who is in a new house, country, everything, DH is away, so a few times I just couldn't help it.

It's made me think seriously about therapy so I don't end up that way. I have a tendency to be like that sometimes when life gets too much and it's made me think hard about it.

She has always been a bit like this, but she had a demanding career, a lazy husband, being super mum generally so i made excuses for her. Maybe she's angry with life now.

My mother is like this, negative but also controlling. I always have a plan when I visit - make sure other family members are there as buffer, don't linger after meals for 'chats', keep doing things, focus on things she will like such as looking at old photos etc. It is a challenge - as there is a lot of love there as well, but the dynamic does lead to feeling like a sulky teenager!

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet yes, she's very controlling. God help you if you're not hungry at the exact time she has made food or whatever.

Reflecting on past visits, DH was normally my buffer. She's on her best behavior when he's here.

I could have written the slightly less extreme version of your post but similar. In addition I feel like my DM always compares me / my DC unfavourably to how she thought things would be.. my sister’s DC, the end of my marriage, my rundown house etc. she stayed at mine for 3 days this week and my tongue was almost bitten off fron the amount of holding back I was doing. But then a few minutes later I will feel bad / try and reflect. They are negative and miserable because they largely aren’t happy with sone aspects of their lives. I know for my mum it’s ailing health, people around her dying and generally the modern world and its complications/ technology she doesn’t understand. She had started to sound bitter (and I don’t blame her) about the world around her and she was never like this.

I don’t know what the answer is but I do really understand your frustrations. It’s draining isn’t it?

@beasmithwentworth I don't have siblings thankfully, as that's exactly what she would do. Luckily she hated motherhood 😂 she doesn't understand why anyone would have more than 1 child and she has in the past declared she hates all children outside the family.

That's some generalisation about grandmothers there.

My
mum
is the same.
constantly criticising everyone for everything, etc. it’s very draining

Why has she got to be negative - retired - no money worries etc - lovely family - I wish I had her life! I am a year younger and I would love to be in her position ! I still work full-time and have no children to visit me

You’ve described my mum, she’s always been like that and I massively struggle with self esteem and trust. Decision making and everything because my internal monologue is her super critical voice.

I’ve always made excuses for her but her speaking to me badly my whole life normalised it and I’ve let other people speak to like shit because I’d do the same rationalising on them as I did with her, “maybe they’ve had a bad day” “I shouldn’t have asked them a question when they probably didn’t want to be”

My therapist said I seem to see the best in everyone else and give them grace and patience , while also seeing only the worse in myself and being super hard and impatient.

She posts such loving stuff about me on Facebook to her friends or neighbours but never says anything nice to my face. Never.

I stepped back and should have done it sooner. My daughter has seen me be spoken to like shit and I should have modelled better boundaries for her, if I were you’d I’d leave early.

You have so many changes on at the moment, moving is stressful, and you’re having to help a small child navigate a lot of changes too, it’s a shame your mum is making it harder.

She has always been a bit like this, but she had a demanding career, a lazy husband, being super mum generally so i made excuses for her. Maybe she's angry with life now.

That's your answer. She's angry, she's resentful, and she's probably wondering what she's got to look forward to. Lazy and selfish partners tend to leech the joy and positivity out of your life.