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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

142 replies

Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:05

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

OP posts:
CrustyBread1977 · 27/05/2026 23:10

I think she needs some support in coping with situations like this. I would worry that she’ll become a school refuser if things don’t go her way at secondary.

In your shoes I’d be tempted to keep her off, but I would be preparing her for future difficulties with relationships with her peers, and speaking to her secondary school about her experiences and making sure they take bullying seriously.

Childanddogmama · 27/05/2026 23:10

Her wellbeing trumps all. They've done the majority of learning now the SATS are over so just do it. Say you are home schooling her.

Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:14

Thanks for replies - much appreciated.

Does it get easier? Will she be bullied everywhere in people's experience - if your child was bullied at primary did it happen again at secondary? I also really don't understand why she is so disliked but maybe that's a mother's blindness I don't known.

OP posts:
Mostlywilliow · 27/05/2026 23:14

Do it. That sounds so rotten for her and there is nothing to be gained by putting her in this position.

I did similar with mine in y3. It felt like stepping off a cliff but of course it was all fine and in fact much better.

Mostlywilliow · 27/05/2026 23:15

Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:14

Thanks for replies - much appreciated.

Does it get easier? Will she be bullied everywhere in people's experience - if your child was bullied at primary did it happen again at secondary? I also really don't understand why she is so disliked but maybe that's a mother's blindness I don't known.

Do you have any inkling WHY? Does she not fit the clique? Is she too different from the Tribe?

Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:16

Ok that's very reassuring. It's not a massive deal is it. Just a few weeks and why put her thru it. Confusingly she's also really sad about leaving and is wracking her brains to think how to make the others be nicer to her which is heart breaking as it sounds like begging to me 😭

OP posts:
OnlyOneAdda · 27/05/2026 23:18

Are there any repercussions of her not going in? Independent schools don’t have fines like state schools but attendance below a certain threshold trigger a social services referral and you need to make sure it doesn’t adversely impact the secondary school place.

Attack is best form of defence I think - make very clear to school she is school refusing because of the bullying they have failed to address, you don’t feel they can keep her safe etc.

Feel for you OP it’s awful when a child is unhappy at school as I know from experience.

whitefluffydog · 27/05/2026 23:20

We have done it and keep doing it. Bliss

Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:21

Mostlywilliow · 27/05/2026 23:15

Do you have any inkling WHY? Does she not fit the clique? Is she too different from the Tribe?

Show quote history

Yes we are different from the tribe but not massively I don't think - they are all bouncy active sassy girls and so is she . I think it's partly that they werent friends before all her friends left and also that the girls families are all good friends so she is naturally left out of weekend plans and also they don't seem to like me or reciprocate if I iniate play dates - it's all fairly mortifying tbh !

OP posts:
Gealach · 27/05/2026 23:22

I would take her out. It sounds like a horrible situation. She has lost all her friends and the last term, with all of its “goodbye” type activities will only show the void more.

hopspot · 27/05/2026 23:24

Why don’t you move her to her to a new school now? A primary school that has children who will attend her secondary school? Will help
her in y7 and she may make some friends for over the summer. In the meantime I’d keep her off.

Cheerfulcharlie · 27/05/2026 23:24

I think this will show her it's ok to walk away from difficult situations which unfortunately isn't always possible if she wants to get on in life. I would also worry this could lead to future school refusal. What if this happens again in the future? In a job? She needs to learn the skills to deal with it. I'd get her to push through it for the last few weeks. Can you have a meeting with her form tutor again?

Nichebitch · 27/05/2026 23:25

What’s the school doing? I expect an independent school to put some effort into pastoral care and general wellbeing

fashionqueen0123 · 27/05/2026 23:25

Take her out. You’ll have to say you’re home schooling. Do it properly or get fined I think. I think you have to tell the school you’re de registering her. It’s a few weeks and its summer hols anyway.

Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:26

These are the 2 things I'm torn between - we could see if the feeder school for the secondary would take her for the last month I think they would - but yea what does it teach her - but also it is really, really bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:27

Nichebitch · 27/05/2026 23:25

What’s the school doing? I expect an independent school to put some effort into pastoral care and general wellbeing

They gave been shockingly bad and do nothing, appear frightebed of the parents of the worst bullies tbh. Ive been shocked

OP posts:
hopspot · 27/05/2026 23:29

Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:26

These are the 2 things I'm torn between - we could see if the feeder school for the secondary would take her for the last month I think they would - but yea what does it teach her - but also it is really, really bad

She’s been awfully bullied. The new school will be on post SATs fun so will be a great opportunity for her to meet friends.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 27/05/2026 23:31

No i'd pull her out 100%

Meeeeeeow · 27/05/2026 23:35

I’d pull her out, I did the same. Bullied by a PSA’s child and the head refused to action.

best thing we did, she is still grateful 4 years later meeting new friends and a good high school transition

HobGobblynne · 27/05/2026 23:35

I’ve been in a very similar position & genuinely wish I’d removed my DD. At this point in the year it’s unlikely there will be much benefit to staying. If you could supplement with some tutoring, you could be confident she hadn’t missed out but in reality I’m not sure missing the last few weeks even with no additional learning would hinder het life chances!

I don’t think there is much to be gained from
sucking it up, bullying is soul destroying and really shapes how you feel about yourself.

Nichebitch · 27/05/2026 23:36

In my opinion, what it teaches her is that you have her back, and that certain things are not tolerated. I’ve pulled mine out for bullying because the school wasn’t dealing with it properly, and I’ve let them know, and also I wasn’t the only one. People talk and the independent schools are fighting for their lives atm - some have to wake up and support the children or go under!

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 27/05/2026 23:37

@Lalalouloulee1 My DD1 had this issue that came to a head in y3 and then again in y5. I wanted her to go to a private school from y3, but she didn’t want to go! It’s amazing how being shunned doesn’t make them hate the school. So we persevered but by y5 we looked at boarding schools and she was offered 2, and we chose her favourite.

Y6 was odd though. DDs that previously shunned her invited her to parties! I was invited for coffee! Why were we going independent and not going to the grammar like their DDs? I didn’t say “to get away from you lot” but we wanted DD to thrive. A change was the best decision. I think we also had cliques and parent friendship groups that had no room for anyone else - occasionally a new parent was admitted but I was not wanted either. It was very much curated friendships based on parental jobs. We didn’t fit as we had what they were all striving for. I removed DD2 at the same time. I found independent school much friendlier. I can see yours is the other way around.

I would talk frankly to DD. What about school trips? Sports day? Anything special she might miss that she would not want to? Don’t do it and make her regret not being there. I’m assuming you’ve given notice? Where are you starting afresh? At the same school? How will that improve anything?

JuliettaCaeser · 27/05/2026 23:40

God I would definitely do it op. It’s a good lesson anyway if you are somewhere you are unhappy and everyone treats you badly you leave. Nothing to be gained flogging a dead horse. The fact you are paying for your child to be miserable makes it worse!

I am extremely wary of schools that are too small. My lovely sister had a bad time at primary as too few girls so she was stuck with a hideous bully. She blossomed at secondary and has had legions of devoted friends ever since so I wouldn’t worry about that.

Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:48

Nichebitch · 27/05/2026 23:36

In my opinion, what it teaches her is that you have her back, and that certain things are not tolerated. I’ve pulled mine out for bullying because the school wasn’t dealing with it properly, and I’ve let them know, and also I wasn’t the only one. People talk and the independent schools are fighting for their lives atm - some have to wake up and support the children or go under!

I could not agree more - this school in particular is trading on very faded glories and 4 girls from the year group have left directly because of the bullying from this partucular in group. The school has half the numbers it had pre lockdown. Bearing in mind each child is worth approx 270k in fees from reception to end of yr 13 I'm astonished they are so utterly shit at keeping children safe and families at the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalalouloulee1 · 27/05/2026 23:51

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 27/05/2026 23:37

@Lalalouloulee1 My DD1 had this issue that came to a head in y3 and then again in y5. I wanted her to go to a private school from y3, but she didn’t want to go! It’s amazing how being shunned doesn’t make them hate the school. So we persevered but by y5 we looked at boarding schools and she was offered 2, and we chose her favourite.

Y6 was odd though. DDs that previously shunned her invited her to parties! I was invited for coffee! Why were we going independent and not going to the grammar like their DDs? I didn’t say “to get away from you lot” but we wanted DD to thrive. A change was the best decision. I think we also had cliques and parent friendship groups that had no room for anyone else - occasionally a new parent was admitted but I was not wanted either. It was very much curated friendships based on parental jobs. We didn’t fit as we had what they were all striving for. I removed DD2 at the same time. I found independent school much friendlier. I can see yours is the other way around.

I would talk frankly to DD. What about school trips? Sports day? Anything special she might miss that she would not want to? Don’t do it and make her regret not being there. I’m assuming you’ve given notice? Where are you starting afresh? At the same school? How will that improve anything?

It's very painful to see your child carry on wanting to try somewhere that is clearly so rejecting. Fear of change I think?? Pleased to hear things got much better for your DD. Strange how if your face doesn't fit in whatever direction what a massive impact it has - but for my son this has never been an problem and he's just bowled along with me not being a massive part of the parent scene but also by no means rejected in the way that I am from dds parent group. Because they have a bigger age gap there are no sibling overlaps which would have helped

OP posts: