AIBU to wonder what is wrong with me for having no friends?

[Lonelyatthedisco]

Here I am, late 30s, with no friends.

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been popular, or the life and soul of the party. I’m more reserved and slow to warm up. I think I’ve always been the boring and sensible one. I’m good at reliable and predictable.

I have had friends come and go over the years but I’m always wary of asking anything of people - I’d not want to be a burden. I have a full time job (entirely remote) and two children so very little time to meet new people or give the sort of commitment a new friend takes. Plus most people don’t want new friends at my age.

I don’t think I’m mean or unkind and I might not be attractive but I’m not so ugly people recoil…so why haven’t I got any friends?

I am feeling very lonely at the moment, and a few things have highlighted that I really don’t have any friends. I keep asking myself what it is that’s wrong with me. I show interest in others, I am very kind (which I think others see as pushover).
aibu to wonder what’s wrong with me?

It's hars at this stage of life. I had kept a couple of friends from school, my main friends were from college, but when I moved away to a new town as a mum to a toddler I lost those day to day friendships. I haven't gelles with any school mums, I've made a lovely acquaintance through DC hobby but it hasn't progressed into a proper friendship. I don't have time to join clubs and I'd find it awkward anyway. I'm just hoping when DC are older and I have some time back that I can make more connections.

There isn’t anything wrong with you. You are unfortunately not able to meet people due to remote working. I have several former colleagues who are now friends. Are there any like minded mum friends you could make? Anything at the school you could volunteer for to get to know some other parents? Do you organise play dates etc? I’ve only made one good mum friend from DD being at school but I have several others I’ll stop and chat to etc Have you suggested having a coffee with someone. I made a very good friend as she asked if I fancied a coffee over 20 years ago! It is hard to get to know people so you need something regular where people can chat to you more regularly and get to know you, is there any possibility of joining a hobby or local women’s walking group for example?

Do you set time aside for your friends?

Having a house to run, small children to care for and a job, it is too easy to become isolated. You are always doing something, and friends can get overlooked.

I had the same so made it a policy if a friend phoned or dropped by for coffee, to always stop and listen. Put other things on hold for half an hour, and focus on someone else's problems or news.

If you have small dcs, it is easy to get involved with the PTA. What help do they need? It might cost you a few hours a month but you will get to know more people. Or try running or marshalling ParkRun. It's easy to make friends there.

I’m always wary of asking anything of people - I’d not want to be a burden.
I think it's partly this. I've been this way where I don't want to inconvenience anyone, but I've noticed that it's in actually being vulnerable and honest about things that you really connect with people and support each other, which is how you build friendships.

I don’t think what you’ve said about people this age not wanting new friends is accurate at all tbh.

Your post gives me the impression you struggle socially and with conversations and that is why you don’t have friends.

Do you have a Partner? Close family? If so I’d just focus on them and your kids of course.

And I say this as a single childfree woman who does of course value friendships, but is increasingly feeling that a lot of people don’t know how to be good friends.

If I had the nuclear family I’d probably just invest in them and remain open to friendships but not go out of my way to try and find them. Indeed that’s where I am at now despite not having a nuclear family.

I have been that friend on call for people at 1am calling to cry about their boyfriend or their ex or that friend lending money to a friend even though she had a partner who should really be pulling his weight or that friend travelling miles to be at a milestone birthday or show up for friends kids birthdays.

I’ve noticed that when I struggled in my mental and physical health a lot of these same friends were nowhere to be seen.

And in contrast the friends that have shown up for me are ones that I have been “less useful” for if anything. It’s a strange phenomena but I suspect it’s something to do with the idea if you do too much sometimes people just see as someone to take things from. When you’re no longer able to give things, they don’t see the point in your friendship anymore since that’s all it was based on.

Now I go into friendships reminding myself I am enough and I have value and if they don’t see that without me over-giving then I’m better off without them. I’ve also learnt sometimes the more you respect yourself and don’t tolerate one sided friendships, the less you will have but the quality will be better.

@Lonelyatthedisco it's not you

I've talked at length about this before so you could probably just do an advanced search - everyone's probably sick of me talking about it by now

I really believe we are in a generation or an era where people don't value a friendship, combination of technology and lockdowns, perhaps

pp have mentioned about not being vulnerable

In 2026, I would say that an accidental show of vulnerability will set people running a mile. They might ask you for help, but they don't want to help anyone else.

I also think being single and childfree and having no family in my case makes people panic a bit because they don't want to be your emergency person.

It's pretty awful - I can only hope that once I eventually move
to a retirement home, they'll be support there

anyway @Lonelyatthedisco I spent a long time blaming myself and then I went out and did the meeting people thing, and they all had the same problem and the same comments and they all linked it to 2020

But the meeting people exercise has been pretty grim.

You also have to ask what you're prepared to do - they're all out this evening at an event that is going to be in a really horrible sweaty room (yes it's still boiling in Southeast) and it would cost me maybe for £40 this evening

I now won't do that kind of thing just to keep in with the group. They are very sweet from what I can see, but they've all got partners or other family, I feel I stick out like a sore thumb and I'm not sure if it will ever go further than being acquaintances.

so I take a view that I go out with them when it suits me.

I really hope everyone who is looking for friendship does find it. I just think it's important to go into it with your eyes open.

I was just thinking about this yesterday. I do have some friends but I’ve never been popular and find it hard to make new friends. I’m mainly at peace with this now but it still makes me feel bad sometimes.

I just don’t think I have good energy I’m introvert and can be pessimistic (although often in a humorous, self deprecating way), it’s not really a great combination for attracting people! I do try to be more outgoing and positive but it’s just not me and I feel uncomfortable/fake. I think people find me stand-offish or uninterested but it’s not the case. I generally try and focus the friendships I do have. Interestingly, I often make friends with work colleagues as when people are forced to spend a lot of time with me the actually end up quite liking me, although they probably wouldn’t have bothered following up on the friendship if we had just met casually.

I think friendship is like many other things - you get out what you put in. You’ve said you have very little time or commitment for friendships and that you’re slow to warm up, and that ultimately is going to be a barrier to developing beyond “pleasant acquaintance” into “genuine friendship” because if somebody can’t find out who you actually are and why they should like you, and you don’t make the time to show them, most people are just going to assume you’re not very interested. How old are your DC, and do you have childcare? Can you carve out some time for yourself for some sort of hobby or group for something you love doing or are passionate about, giving others the opportunity to see you when you’re happy, engaged, and having a good time?

Honestly your post is more or less identical to all the other “why do I have no friends? threads I’ve read over the years. In all of them, the OP will describe themselves as “too kind”, and focus on how they aren’t into parties or going out, like doing quiet things, don’t think people their age want to make new friends. But ultimately it almost invariably is actually about the lack of time and investment in friendships, and coming across as standoffish. You don’t have to be the life and soul, but most people, generally, are attracted to the same things: confidence, openness, somebody who’s enjoyable company, seems keen to spend time with them, puts them at ease, makes them feel good about themselves, and gives them the opportunity to feel as though they are valued and needed. That doesn’t mean you need to constantly ask people for things, but most people ask themselves “am I actually needed or wanted by this person?” and if they don’t feel they are, they pull away.

I also think being single and childfree and having no family in my case makes people panic a bit because they don't want to be your emergency person.

Very similar situation to me @EmeraldRoulette 💐 I will do a search for your other posts later but I wanted to ask are you open about this?

Obviously my friends know I’m single and childfree but none of them know I have no family. (Well a dysfunctional family that I am no contact with). I think for me there’s an element of shame and embarrassment about my situation.

I know I’ve nothing to feel ashamed for but perhaps out of pride, I am not wanting them to be motivated to o do anything for me just because they feel sorry for me or feel obliged. And also a part of me feels if they knew my situation and still didn’t show up for me I would feel even worse.

Now I can maybe delude myself that they don’t know and would do more if they were aware.

That said, I actually think perhaps some know but have chosen not to say anything.
An old friend of mine who is from another country, relocated to the UK a few years ago. He was arriving with his wife (that i am friends with too) and kids just before Christmas and they invited me to theirs for Christmas.

If anything I should’ve been inviting them for Christmas to welcome them into the country so it’s interesting that they thought to invite me. It was very kind of them and at first I just said I would see as I thought maybe they’re being polite and don’t really mean it . But then they kept asking and I saw they were genuine. I went and I had a lovely time. It meant a lot to me. They asked me back the following year, I declined mainly only because I wanted their family to have a Christmas in the UK to themselves! And I had freelance work I was doing over Christmas so I just spent my time on that. Still was nice to be invited.

Hi op I had this too. A friend said you have put yourself out there.. I met a few through walking. Went show at xmas. What do you enjoy any hobbies? I def find people flaky now and slow to commit so thats hard too

@Popsnafflerock yes nobody wants to be the charity case.

It's not something I mention directly, but it becomes obvious quite quickly - I've spent a painful amount of time looking after my elderly mother, that's still a situation that goes up and down in terms of her health

So if you meet me that gets mentioned because I no longer have a big career. I don't know maybe I should explain myself less. But I feel so self-conscious about not having a big career, I say what I do and then say that I have to make time to care for my mother.

I'm not discounting her as family btw (although in some ways it doesn't count? It does count that there's someone around who loves me) but obviously she's not in a position to help with anything through no fault of her own - and then people generally ask "is it just you?" And it is a terrible burden in so many ways.

Things might seem even worse when she's gone - I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to feel like the charity case at Christmas.

@Lonelyatthedisco In terms of you don't have a lot of time to give - I wouldn't worry about it - most people don't have a lot of time. I was working insane hours up until the end of my 30s and I think that's pretty normal. That was a time where pretty much everyone was in the same position but I remember chatting on the phone to friends at midnight because in those days it was important to make time for friends and fair enough people had more energy. I do wonder where everybody's energy went though. I suspect they're scrolling online at midnight, or whatever the equivalent time is in the lifestyle. My parents kept up with friendship and community always - long hours and childrearing just wasn't a factor.

Really, I was commenting because I wanted to reassure you that it's not you - I genuinely think people don't value friendship or community anymore.

However, I should caveat and say that if it takes you six months to reply to a text message, then that could be an issue, yes.

Ah I see gotcha @EmeraldRoulette Yeah it’s not a nice feeling when you think people are only pitying you. Makes everything worse.

But I think sometimes you just need to turn it around and realise someone being a decent friend and being there for you in some way doesn’t mean they’re pitying you. It can be - but not necessarily.

I myself have extended hospitality and generosity to various friends because I love them and I’m an alright person not because I “Pity” them. So I guess if I give it I need it I be able to receive it, unless I realy do feel someone is pitying me or doing something out of guilt

Re, Christmas I think it has to feel right, I am very close to some of my friends and even know their parents/siblings well so I think its a bit easier to accept they’re being good friends rather than being a charity case.

many years ago another friend invited me to Christmas with her fiance and kids. Years later i learnt her and her now ex-partner had been struggling and things were tense, and she said she was so grateful to me for coming that year as I brightened the mood for the kids and made her feel less alone. And as I got along with her ex, he was in a good mood too as he had another adult to speak to. She had no idea I didn’t want to travel up north from London to my family, so she actually thought I was doing her a favour.

So yeah sometimes I remind myself that you can actually be doing something for that person too just by your presence when you accept some kind of invitation or support from them.

I don’t want to derail the thread with my stories though lol @Lonelyatthedisco I notice you’ve not been back! I hope you find something useful in all of this if you’re been reading.

Because if you WFH and are busy with your family, your opportunities to meet people are very limited.