AIBU to want a cleaner when my partner refuses to contribute?

[tangledbutnewfangled]

I have lived with DP for four years. I work consistently much longer hours than him but also do about 70% of the housework. I do have high standards and expect a bathroom to be clean and prefer things 5* hotel spotless.

DP works around 9am-6pm and goes to the gym every day before work. I work 9am-9pm often until midnight. I am usually too tired to go to the gym or would rather keep on top of housework.

DP says he doesn’t really notice the dust much.

We rent and split this 50:50. I earn roughly twice what he earns.

I want to hire a cleaner for a weekly clean, especially to keep on top of the bathroom and kitchen. DP says we don’t need one and he will NOT pay towards one.

Prefer things 5* hotel spotless?

You pay the cleaner or live on your own.

So sounds like he is doing 50% of a normal load but you have higher standards so there is more to do?

You’re the higher earner but are splitting rent 50:50, when a fairer way if you’re combing your lives is to make it proportional and you take on more bills like this.

So you are the one with more disposable income, and the one to want a cleaner - you pay for it.

Any partner who is so resistant to supporting something that benefits his partner is not worth having.

you work long hours, it’s not unreasonable to want a clean house. If he’s not prepared to pull his weight keeping it that way, the least he can do is help pay for it.

this is one of those issues that is so much bigger than the cleaning

Agree with the others if your standards are so high then you should pay for the cleaner.

Yep agree that if you want the house cleaned to higher standard then pay for the clea error especially as you are the higher earner.
I absolutely would get a cleaner if I were in your position given those work hours. And I am not 5* standards !!

You have high 5 star standards you pay

A clean house isn't equal to 5☆ hotel. Or it isn't here.

You earn twice as much as him but he still pays 50% towards rent. That doesn't seem fair. Because of that, I'd say if you want a cleaner you pay for it yourself.

Is he doing half of an average amount of housework? How often would he clean the bathroom for example? If he would clean it every other week or something then he is not being unreasonable. If he never cleans it then that's awful of him

So he is doing some housework but you have extremely high standards? What would any other person who came to your house think about his standards? Is it reasonably average? Sadly I think if he’s doing his bit and you are the one who wants it to be ‘5*’ then you will have to pay. I couldn’t live in a house that never looked like anyone lived there.

I think we need to understand how much of this 70% is normal standards. Who cooks? Who shops? Who does laundry? Who does meal plans? Who picks up things? Who vacuums? Do you know if he would ever vacuum because you get to it so quickly? Similarly changing sheets and washing towels.
basically, if you have very high standards, you cover it. If he’s just not a partner, you don’t have children and it’s not worth the effort to work on him, throw the whole man in the bin (working on them is hard)

Splitting the rent 50/50 when you earn twice what he does seems very unfair to me and, in his shoes, I would resent this. In these circs I think it very reasonable for you to cover the cost of a cleaner.

Why are you working 12 hours a day? That’s just bonkers.

Do you plan on having kids?

Cos if you do, I'd get used to sub 5* standards tbh.

Pay for a cleaner

A cleaner might not meet your 5* standards. You could spend a lot of time and headspace on how they are doing things differently to you, what they are missing etc

Ok I’ll rephrase, it’s not unreasonable for OP to liver any to live in a home that meets her standards.

I feel the same.

5* as a description lacks some clarity.

OP what doesn’t your DP do that you’d expect him to do?

Just pay a cleaner OP. If you object in these circumstances, there is more wrong in your relationship.

It comes over to me as though you have OCD or something similar OP.
Perhaps you should be thinking about getting some help for yourself help stop you obsessing about the cleanliness of the house.

@tangledbutnewfangled I’m more concerned why you’re working 9am to 9pm. Is that every day? Surely that’s not sustainable, work is important but shouldn’t take over your life like that. Oh and definitely get the cleaner.

You are never unreasonable to have a cleaner if you can afford one. I’ve had a cleaner as a SAHM and as a FT working mum. We could pay them fairly, therefore I wasn’t unreasonable.

But I think if you are after 5 star hotel cleanliness which is a very particular preference, then you can’t require your OH to help fund it - assuming he is doing some housework.

It depends. You mention liking things 5* spotless but does thslat mean you redo what he does because it's not to your standard,
or is it because you expect a room to be dusted every day? He says he doesn't notice the dust so does that mean if left to him dusting would never get done if you didn't do it abd that he would happily leave dirty dishes and kitchen spills for days. Or just that he would dust once a week and possibly leave the dishes for a few hours and only mop the floor once a week. If the reason you do 70% is because you need everything perfect 100% of the time then yes you should pay and maybe think about why you need everything 5* perfect. Especially if you think you may have children in the future because that level of order and cleanliness will be virtually impossible to maintain without impacting your children's play. If it's because he only does anything beyond his own laundry if you nag then both pay, but he needs to do much better.

Is the 5* spotless what he describes your completely normal average person standards or is it your own description that you know you like stuff cleaner than most people?

You need to address the 5star cleaning fine for you but it’s completely unreasonable to expect some to have that standard and must be extremely difficult to live with

id run for the hills grew up in a sterile house ridiculous

his 30% I would say is equivalent to 50% of normal
I might be projecting but id guess what ever he does you’ll pick fault with

this is on you

prefer