‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

[birdsinginthemorning]

That’s what a good friend just messaged to me.

I am (only semi seriously) wondering if I am in the wrong relationship.

DH has announced he’s working from home most of next week, only going into the office on Wednesday.

I am a teacher so I’m off next week for half term. I am now dreading it 😩

It’s really hard to put my finger on what it is. I hate having to be conscious of noise. I don’t even think we’re all that noisy but it’s that awareness. I also kind of feel watched, even though I know I’m not, it’s that feeling.

The children are only young so while they do sort of understand ‘daddy’s working’ it’s still hard for them to really get it.

We do have a lot planned and we’re out for the whole days Mondays & Fridays as they are his ‘usual’ wfh days. But the rest of the week we’re out for the morning and I don’t really want to have them on a carousel of activities all week.

Is it just me?

And it makes no difference where in the house he is, whether he wears noise cancelling headphones or not, it really is just that I don’t like him working from home. I can sort of tolerate it a couple of times a week but I genuinely think I would be quite depressed if it was every day.

Just tell him 'that's fine. Don't even think about complaining about the noise or expecting us to keep out of the way'. And be noisy. And in the way.

That’s a bit…odd. Especially given you are out all day for two of the days!

Iused to think this but if he is home during holiday time then you just have to get on ad normal. I think I was more conscious of it than DH. He can work in a room with a door shut.

Is he not taking even a day off for half term?

Does he complain? It’s a home first and his workplace second. He has the choice to go to the office if it’s too loud for him.

I don't think that means you're in the wrong relationship, it just doesn't work to have to be quiet and mindful when the children have their half term holiday

Does he ask you to be quiet though or is that you self policing?

My husband has worked from home since 2000, he's upstairs in his office, door shut, life carries on. It has to.

I sort of understand - I find it difficult when DH is here but not here at the same time

But I also think there are advantages - it's nice to have lunch together, I can pop out if I need to and leave the kids with him, he will entertain them while I make dinner, etc.

Maybe, I don’t know. I just know I’m so much more relaxed and happy when he’s in the office.

He hasn’t complained about noise but I’m just aware of it. Even things like having perfectly normal conversations (well, as normal as you can get with toddlers!) feel a bit more forced and strained somehow.

You need to remember he's choosing to work in your living space.

You're not choosing to live in his working space.

Why would he take a day off for half term?

OP I think just crack on as normal,if it's too noisy he can go into the office .

I get what you mean @birdsinginthemorning. It just totally changes the dynamic, it would annoy me too, and maybe that tells me I’m in the wrong relationship too!

Yes, it’s a dynamic thing I think. It also possibly depends on your family. Him having lunch with us would be more disruptive because then he’d have to go back to work but the children don’t really get that. And even things like him coming out to go to the toilet you get DADDY and so on. Arghhh.

It's not just you.

DH works from home and it changes the atmosphere in the house. I can't fully just relax and not worry about it. There's no moments of just having fun without worrying about disturbing him. It means having friends you are conscious of this. I'm fine with DS having certain friends around but others are problematic because they DO disturb DH and that results in telling off.

His work is always THERE. At times it very much intrudes on everyday life because 'i just need to do this'. Other times it's great because it means DH is there. It means DH can be working into the early hours on occasions but at others it's very much screw work, I've done enough already this week I'm finishing early.

If you don't live this, it's very easy to see all the good stuff and none of the negatives.

Thanks @RedToothBrush . It’s really hard to explain. I just find it’s like that ‘the man who wasn’t there’ - you’re almost more aware of them.

But I do know some people do seem able to pretty much forget their spouse is there. I just can’t, I don’t know why but I can just sort of sense his presence.

Background noise is fine! I wfh full time and always say that I’m working from home but it’s the holidays. And make it clear I’m not the one actually doing the parenting - my husband is (we tend to take half the holidays each or a bit of kids club here and there).

We both work from home and also home educate, whilst there's a lot of pros to our lifestyle theirs also a lot of cons.

It's a constant battle to find balance, if my husband is in a meeting we can't run around being noisy, there's a constant feeling of being perceived, he'll come down and help out with chores which throws my day off etc, there zero free flow because I'm constantly aware of him working.

We make it work because it gives us so much flexibility but it's hard work.

DH isn't. The guilt tripping intentions of that post aren't cool. We had two weeks away at Easter. DH only has so much holiday and a single day off is a bit of a waste when he has other things it's better to use that for so we can spend more quality time together.

I dislike going and doing stuff with DS to get out of DHs hair during holidays he has to work because this also feels like he's missing out whilst we have fun. But really it's just reality.

And tbh I also think it'd be suffocating if DH took off time EVERY holiday.

Sorry posted too soon. I think it’s husband that needs to manage expectations or go into the office.

I like having the house to myself as much as the next person but I do find it weird that his precense makes you feel watched and in edge almost, as he’s not complaining about noise, when my DW is home, I feel completely at ease even if she’s working and I’m not, I just take myself to a different room and we eat lunch together and check in throughout the day. Do you feel like this when he’s not working?

Thats just being nasty. Fair enough not to go out or shush the dc all the time but its his house too.

I get it. Home isn’t just home when it’s a workplace too. I used to wish I could work from home when mine were small to manage the logistics better, but the actual working at home part, it mixes up the space, makes me feel like I am always at work, and it’s just the same when it’s DH at home. I do think the flexibility is helpful, but I’d also be frustrated in your shoes at the “announcement” part of this interaction, and the assumption you should be happy about it

Zero free flow is a good way of putting it actually. Thank you.

I don’t especially want or need DH to take time off, it’s only a week, he’s off on Monday anyway (forgot about that actually so he’s got an actual day off, lucky sod!) We are all away next weekend though.

The first time he huffs or puffs tell him to go and work in the office if he doesn't like it, it is your and the kids home too.

Or he could buy himself noise cancelling headphones?