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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone help me navigate this with ex and co parenting?

23 replies

Feeelsijc · 21/05/2026 20:45

I just feel so desperate. Ex walked out on me and DD when she was 10 weeks. He re emerged into her life when she was 15 months and she’s now 3. He sees her one day of the weekend each week and has never had her overnight.

Ex and I are both in professional jobs and well paid, him better paid especially since I returned from mat leave and had to take slightly reduced hours because he’d walked out and I was therefore responsible for all nursery runs. It wasn’t physically possible to do it all.

Anyway, the issue. I am running myself into the ground. I loved my career and I struggle to keep up with the work and the house etc. Doing every bedtime every task every bath every meal every nursery run every wash … you get it… I am crumbling.

Ive told ex about this and his reply is that I have enough maintenance for extra help if I need it. I find this a repulsive thing to say from
someone who pays 200 a month more than the bare minimum required.

He earns a lot. He can afford more. Technically
I could cut my costs and scrape together money for a cleaner or something but it makes me mad that it’s me that’s having to do this as well as do his share of parenting. Whatever anyone says - and I know women are shamed into not being crass about money - money is protection and safety and frankly giving 50
quid here and there for extra childcare is not something I feel I should be doing when my pay is already cut and his has only increased since having a child. Because of course he’s free to do that as I’m there 24/7 looking after his daughter.

Any advice? I know practically I probably need to make peace with it and accept he’s a misogynistic pig but it’s hard to do.

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 21/05/2026 20:50

When you say he pays £200 more than the bare minimum. What does that mean. Is he paying £200 more than the csa calculated amount on his earnings? If he earns well, assuming the csa amounts is decent.

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 21/05/2026 20:52

Starzinsky · 21/05/2026 20:50

When you say he pays £200 more than the bare minimum. What does that mean. Is he paying £200 more than the csa calculated amount on his earnings? If he earns well, assuming the csa amounts is decent.

@Starzinsky yes 200 more than what CMS says he has to pay. I went through cms when he left us.

OP posts:
Jellybunny98 · 21/05/2026 20:52

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed about the situation, but there is nothing you can do. He already pays more than he has to, I’d be very wary of rocking this particular boat too much incase he decides to just pay what he actually has to pay and then you’re even worse off.

Pungifries · 21/05/2026 20:54

I was/ am in a similar situation and now my son does not see his father at all.
My advice would be to try and mould your life around him not being around.
Look to change nursery to one that will support FT work.
If possible, speak to work about compressed or flexible hours
ask friends/ family if they can help
you will have less money right now, but your free childcare hours will come soon and then school before you know it
yes, it is crap, and absolutely not fair BUT it is 100% better than trying to negotiate with a moron.
build your life for you and your child.
it will be tough but I promise it will get easier xx

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 21/05/2026 20:55

I just can’t believe how unfair it is. Being a single parent has opened my eyes so much to the way the world treats women

OP posts:
pteromum · 21/05/2026 20:55

Who pays for nursery

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 21/05/2026 20:56

@pteromum me but obviously the maintenance contributes to that

OP posts:
pteromum · 21/05/2026 20:59

Yes but he’s not paying in addition to half that. So the maintenance goes so you can work.

which is just crazy. And the circle so many are stuck in.

@Pungifries
has some great advice. Try and look at things as a single parent and work out figures that way

MyLottie · 21/05/2026 21:27

I've been a single parent for 14 years, since mine were 2 and 5.

It's shit managing when they are young and it is so difficult to manage home and work life. These are the hardest years right now, it will get better.

I accepted that I would not be able to progress my career and earn less than if I had a reliable ex. It wasn't easy and it's really unfair, but you'll get through it and eventually you'll be able to get work back on track.

rosiebr · 21/05/2026 21:37

It really all depends on how much your maintenance is? What is the amount he pays?

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 21/05/2026 21:40

rosiebr · 21/05/2026 21:37

It really all depends on how much your maintenance is? What is the amount he pays?

@rosiebr it doesn’t depend on this. He’s still making money out of me!

imagine what he would have to pay a nanny to have his child 50% of the time?!

OP posts:
Actupfishy · 21/05/2026 21:45

my ex gives me 150 per month...and earns loads! (self employed and i cba to fight)

it's so unfair on mothers!
Working full time and picking up the load singlehandely is so tough! it does get easier though x

therockingbird · 21/05/2026 21:51

I remember this well and eventually did as the previous poster said. So many mothers end up in this situation and it’s sh*t but the earlier years are most definitely the hardest. Lean on friends, find your people and build your life for you and your child. It will get easier and he has to live with the fact that he’s done the bare minimum in raising his child. Your bond will be amazing his won’t, I like to think my sons (now teenagers) see the resilient woman who has raised them and hopefully do better when it’s their turn to have a family. I spent far too much time feeling bitter, now I’m at peace with the fact that the man I married was not who I thought he was - and you will get there to. Sending solidarity and strength your way xx

rosiebr · 23/05/2026 12:17

Well if he’s paying £2k a month, that’s different to if he’s paying £400, isn’t it? Without the context of what he is paying, other than it’s £200 more than he has to by CMS, then it’s hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not?

Interdit · 23/05/2026 12:25

I think when you choose to have a child, you accept you may raise it alone. He could have died.

Yes, it’s unfair, but lots of things in life are. The only person damaged by you being bitter about it is you.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/05/2026 12:27

Remember op that in a year or two your nursery costs will be massively reduced and he will still be paying the same amount. So hang in there, when she’s 12 you won’t need any childcare costs whatsoever and he’ll still be paying the same.

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 23/05/2026 13:57

rosiebr · 23/05/2026 12:17

Well if he’s paying £2k a month, that’s different to if he’s paying £400, isn’t it? Without the context of what he is paying, other than it’s £200 more than he has to by CMS, then it’s hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not?

@rosiebr its the principle though

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeelsijc · 23/05/2026 13:57

Interdit · 23/05/2026 12:25

I think when you choose to have a child, you accept you may raise it alone. He could have died.

Yes, it’s unfair, but lots of things in life are. The only person damaged by you being bitter about it is you.

@Interdit yes that is a good point

OP posts:
StandingDeskDisco · 23/05/2026 14:24

Look at it this way - you have the child, he doesn't.
Would you rather give him the child for 13 days out of 14, plus a big chunk of money each month, just so that you can go and build your career? I am guessing no.
I think you have the better position.

Rather than getting bitter about things not being fair or equal, Remind yourself of the poor choices he has made.
Count your blessings that you have a wonderful little family with just you and DC, a good job, and a good life.

Original poster
Feeelsijc · 23/05/2026 16:27

StandingDeskDisco · 23/05/2026 14:24

Look at it this way - you have the child, he doesn't.
Would you rather give him the child for 13 days out of 14, plus a big chunk of money each month, just so that you can go and build your career? I am guessing no.
I think you have the better position.

Rather than getting bitter about things not being fair or equal, Remind yourself of the poor choices he has made.
Count your blessings that you have a wonderful little family with just you and DC, a good job, and a good life.

@StandingDeskDisco no I wouldn’t rather that. It’s just hard sometimes. I feel like I get no mental break and in reality all parenting is on me while he just does little bits here and there

OP posts:
SUPerSaver721 · 23/05/2026 16:35

I have been a lone parent for 10 years raising two children by myself working full time. I get no maintaince and have juggled nursery and after school care all these years. Its tough but you just have to keep going unfortunately. I cant say its been easy. Ive found it so tough.

BIossomtoes · 23/05/2026 16:36

A man who walks out on his ten week old child is essentially resigning as a parent. At least he’s paying for them, a lot of men don’t.

The period of needing full time childcare is limited. Financially it will be much easier when they start school. As someone who was a single parent and carried the entire financial burden, all I can do is assure you it’s worth it. My now adult child has great respect for my juggling a career and parenthood and our bond is very close. That happens when it’s you and them against the world.

Is it fair? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/05/2026 18:54

Get the cleaner - it will do you a world of good and worth the money.

Yes it sucks for single mums ( I was going to write but…. However I have no answer … it’s just shit for single mums!)

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