Would you be honest, even if it's hurtful, or lie?

[Laiste]

I've written this out 3 times trying not to ramble! Here's the 'bare bones' :

DD is 12.
Since reception she's been friends with a girl, B, and i've been friends with the mum, P.

DD is not wanting to socialise with B any more. (been going that way since about yr5)

Awkward cos i'm still friends with P, and P confides in me about B lacking in friends and tells me she's grateful for B's friendship with DD.

We've been drifting along, but Somethings come up which kind of forces the issue. I don't feel i should make DD spend time with someone she doesnt particularly like. WWYD?

Thanks for any thoughts 😊

The two friendships are separate
it’s very hard but friendships drift for both children and adultd
its not your DD’s responsibility to be the sole friendship group for this other child
mum should speak to school and buddying her up / joining clubs and doing stuff out of school to build her own child’s social circle up
FWIW friendships in years 7-9 seem to really change a lot and then settle so it’s not unusual

You can't force your DD to be friends with anyone and if you do, she will resent you and resent the other girl even more. It's a no-win situation.

However, I think you have to accept that if your DD is no longer friends with B then your friendship with P might suffer/come to an end. I've had several friendships where our kids were good friends and all have come to an end when the kids' friendships have. It's just life and most mum friends don't last IME - they're 'friends for a reason/season' and not for life.

It's not your DDs responsibility to be friends wit this kid.

But why does DD not want to be friends with them? Are they doing something awful?

Or has your DD been sucked in by the people ostracising the little girl/bullies?

Might want to talk with your DD first about why she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I think I’d ignore it, personally, and just make the right noses in response to the worries, suggesting hobbies and other ways for the other child to make friends . What is forcing the issue that means you need to address it, OP?

I think you need to be honest without being too hurtful.

Can you tell P why your DD doesn’t want to be friends with B? Try to not make it about B’s personality (even if it is that) but say something truthful about how the dislike affects things Eg DD likes playing x but B doesn’t.

Thank you. I thought for some reason i'd get hostility. I'll have more time later but v quickly:

B is not being bullied.

Ive tried to help P help B, club ideas ect, if that makes sense? But no go.

The situation is forced now because DD has begun a third after school activity (which B doesn't want to do by the way) which means re scheduling their weekly meet up at ours. DD wants to drop it altogether now. P is about to ask me which day to do instead - i can feel it coming.

I see P without kids with us at least weekly.

Okay, well I don't think you should be honest - just lie. It's kinder and in a situation like this honesty definitely isn't the best policy. It will also be much less damaging to your clearly good friendship with P.

Just say you/your child is too busy for another scheduled thing after school at the moment, and leave it at that.

I had to tell a friend that my Dc found her Dc too full on - constant bashing with their book bags as ‘fun’ etc - and it was affecting their friendship.

In your case, I think I would look for a way to support your friend to coach her Dd. Why does she find it hard to make it keep friends?

When she says B has few friends Can you say ‘it’s a shame and to be honest Dd is widening her circle to other friends. She sometimes finds B too clingy / intense / possessive / mean / boastful or whatever it is? They are still developing their social skills and friendship groups “

Then, if possible, I would make arrangements to see your friend at non-child friendly times. Term time lunch or coffee if it works around work, a late evening drink, a Saturday outing to an 18 Film, Spa trip, etc.

And say Dd busy when she suggests friends meet up

That's really hard. Forcing the friendship is not an option here though, your dd is old enough to make that decision herself. I'd probably start the conversation by explaining your dd has several other things going on and can't accommodate the weekly meet up with B any more. Then I'd see what the response was and give the level of detail your friend asks for. She might get the hint and leave it there, which is your best chance of preserving your own friendship. But if she pushes the issue or asks for reasons then you're going to have to be brutally honest and there is a risk your friendship will cool.

As you are friends I'd also go into that conversation ready to counsel her about her daughter's issues. Be honest, tell her you know it is really hard and you wish you could force your daughter but it's not possible at their ages. Do you have any constructive advice about how B could manage friendships better or where she could find friends?

But I think you also have to accept she might take it badly however sensitively you handle it, and may need space.

You can be polite without being brutally honest.

you can just say that with lots of activities now a weekly meet up just isn’t possible.

schedule in something where you meet up with your mum friend but not the kids (ideally while your dd is already busy so cannot possibly come).

kids move on. Friendships change. No need to be brutal about it but equally no need to keep it up

Agree with PP, don't force your daughter to see someone she doesn't want to, she is far too old for this. Although I'd check I understood why (they don't have anything in common - fair enough, but if its because mutual friends don't think the girl is cool or something then I'd challenge it).

I think a weekly scheduled meet up arranged by parents is not appropriate at this age anyway, she will be busy with other friends / homework / hobbies and giving up an entire evening a week is a lot. I'd just tell your friend that your daughter is too busy for regular scheduled meet ups now

You just say that a weekly meet up just isn’t ideal anymore. They’re going to be in senior school soon and with their schedules getting busier and more serious, a weekly play date just isn’t viable.

What's the main reason for your dd not wanting to socialise with her any longer?

If it is that they have grown apart, different interests, different personalities etc..., I think it is easier to explain this to your friend and be honest.

It is more difficult if the issue is that your friends DD behaviour or attitude means that others don't enjoy spending time with her. It really depends on the level of your friendship with her mum and how comfortable you would be to discuss this with her. It's inevitably going to be a tough discussion, that can lead to a positive outcome if her mum acknowledge the issue and tries to work with her daughter, or lead to your friend wanting nothing to do with you any longer and she'll just end up hurt, which really wouldn't be a nice outcome.

As others have said, this is an ideal time to back away from a regular arrangement due to other commitments. I would say you’re concerned that your daughter will keep up with homework etc with the additional time commitment of the new activity, and so you’ll need to see how it goes.

It will be easier to break the old arrangement now, while there’s a genuine practical reason, so that you don’t have to have the awkward conversation that the girls just aren’t as close anymore.

You have my sympathies, OP, I had a very similar situation when my son started secondary school. He was initially pleased to have a long-standing friend going to the new school, but within a term he’d made completely new friendship groups. He didn’t deal with backing away from the original friendship very well, and my years-long friendship with the boy’s mum was understandably affected. It was very difficult at the time, but ultimately you can’t make children continue a friendship.

I think a weekly meet up is too much anyway. I wouldn’t want to commit to one day a week where my daughter didn’t really want to see the friend.

You don’t have to either lie or tell hard truths, just be neutral and make general (mildly sympathetic) observations - like ‘it’s great when they get their independence and try new things … it’s such a change, isn’t it, when they age out of play dates and find their own way … it’s a little bit sad watching them grow up but wonderful when they develop interests’

No need to be very direct about it- just say that you can't do the meet up any more due to DD's commitments- if she pushes for a different day you can just say you don't want to over-commit as you'd like her to have some downtime. No need to add "and also she doesn't like your daughter and doesn't want to hang out with her".

If you're keen to maintain your friendship with the mum maybe suggest a meet up which is clearly related to your adult friendship eg dinner or drinks out in the evening rather than eg coffee at home.

You need to stand up for your daughter, her friendship or lack of is separate to your friendship with the parent.

You don't need to do it unkindly, you just say that your daughter is busy with other things and has other interests if your friend asks whether they want to meet up. At 12 you should be past the point of organising such things on their behalf's anyway.

It’s natural for friends to drift at any age, but definitely when they are younger at school and changing so much.

I get the awkwardness but the friendships are 2 seperate and you can be friends with P without your DD’s being besties.

No I wouldn’t force your daughter to be friends with someone she doesn’t want to be

Just be honest and say your DD has taken up after school activities and isn’t up for meeting after school anymore, nearly teenagers and changing and all that… but you’re still happy to meet with P weekly

You are overthinking it.

Of course, you can't force your poor kid to socialise, she's having enough pressure to be social at school, her private life should be her own.

Just say, she's busy with activities and school work and just not available.

Now your DD is doing this third day, can you not find reasons for why a weekly meet-up won’t work? To have a friend round weekly is a lot, if your DD is now at secondary school - weekly play dates are surely something that happens in primary? I’d just say, look, obviously we’ll carry in seeing each other, but DD is busier now she’s doing more activities and it just doesn’t work to have B coming round every week. It’s tricky because your friend wants a friend for her DD, but you can’t force friendships on your DC, and it’s really unfair to make her entertain a guest she hasn’t chosen to have round. It may happen occasionally with cousins, where DC are thrown together and have to be friendly, but every week with a school friend she’s grown apart from? No way!

My ds was best friends with a lovely boy and in turn I became friends with his mum , they are no longer close for years now , still would get on in each others company but don't have the same friend groups I couldn't say either outgrew the other they just diverged . I'm still very close friends with the boys mum and very fond of her ds . I can't say their friendship changing impacted us being friends at all. If you force something it'll just lead to resentment , I think you need to just have a conversation with the mum and be honest

My mom did this with me when I was younger and I really resented her for forcing me to spend time with someone I really didn't like, in a home that made me feel really uncomfortable.

Eventually 'friends' mom called and asked if I wanted to come over to play in my ear shot, and I shouted NO very loudly - so my mum had no choice but to say i didn't want to.

Your priority is your daughters wants and wishes, not your friends. No it's not a nice conversation to have, but your daughter will always be in your life, 'P' may not.