Step-parent support in old age

[downthehillhome]

I’ve name changed for this but am a longtime poster. It’s more of a WWYD than an AIBU but I wasn’t sure where to post.

I’m mid-30s and have a DH and 2 pre-school aged DC. My parents divorced when I was young. My DM passed away a few years ago and my DF passed away last year.

My DF met his DP in my early teens. We were never particularly close and she wasn’t particularly kind to me, she also had a negative impact on my relationship with my DF growing up (eg didn’t like us spending time without her there, wanted all phone calls on loud speaker). She would often make rude comments about my DM or my life choices. In adulthood I would say I have reached neutrality with her, she is clearly fond of my DC and I’m happy to have a relatively surface relationship. Although she is very gossipy and can be rude.

The issue is, I’m not sure what kind of relationship I’m supposed to have with her going forward now that my DF has passed. She doesn’t have any DC of her own and was an only child, meaning she has very little family. She’s also quite incompetent and struggles to do anything for herself - needs help organising things such as taxis or ordering anything online and can’t cook even a basic meal. In that respect I do feel sorry for her. But she’s not my parent and being in her 70s I could really imagine her becoming heavily reliant on me.

Since my dad passed she messages me a lot asking for things or to tell me things about her day to day. She also needed me to organise the whole funeral and also left me to pay for it. I do feel for her situation and can see that she must be scared and lonely to face life alone, but I also have very little support myself and worry about having to take her on.

I think what I’m asking is, what would you do in this situation? Would you ‘take her on’ and support her in old age or slowly step back?

Drop her like a hot brick.
Can she get carers?

OP, if a step-parent left me to organise and pay for the whole funeral, that would be it. I’d be stepping back as far as you can step.

Step back. You owe her nothing

If it were me I’d take a massive step back. She was unkind to you when you were growing up so you owe her nothing. She’s only going to get more demanding and could live for another 20 years or more.

What is the domestic situation? Did they own a property? Do you own half of this since your father passing - eg do you need to maintain contact for practical reasons? Or is she in somewhere rented?

the funeral costs, why did this fall on you? Does she have any money? Is she struggling? If she has anymore I’d be encouraging her to plan and pay for her funeral now!! You don’t want to be lumbered with this!

care - you can refer to social services and they’ll do an assessment for her

It sounds a lot and based on how she was with you I would be doing the bare minimum xx

Agree with others. Step away before it's too late & social services are eyeing you up as an unpaid carer.
Did your father not leave any money/assets to cover the funeral? Cheeky mare leaving you to do all the work & pay the bill.

The property is social housing so I have no involvement in it or any stake. In terms of money, they had joint accounts and she just said they couldn’t afford it. I suspect that isn’t true as my dad always mentioned savings and even told me there was money for his funeral. I didn’t want to cause a big argument in the weeks after his death so I just paid, it was thousands, but certainly wont be paying for hers when the time comes.

I'd continue the relationship based on her being find of your DC. I'd help out with things I felt able to manage but I'd decline things that felt too much and tell her that she will need to contact adult social care if she needs more support.

I guess this is what I’ve been leaning towards. My DC don’t have grandparents on my side and it’s nice that she cares about them. However I worry that this could come at a high price, for example I would never want her discharged from hospital into my care or to accompany her to appointments.

I'd maybe treat her like a distant aunt. You shouldn't get sucked into managing her life for her and it may be that you need to distance yourself to protect yourself from this. In my experience elderly people that don't have these people that rush to solve everything cope better anyway.

You will just need to remain firm if a time like that comes. Tell the hospital you do not have time to take on a caring role and that they will need to get social services to do an assessment before they discharge her.

I would have a conversation with her about money and say that it makes sense to plan and prepare now and make her pay for her funeral now, with a prepaid bond.

If there comes a time when you feel that care is needed, they’ll need full financial disclosure anyway and any money would be taken into account (I think it’s £23k they allow people to have in savings)

If it transpires that there is “savings” then I would physically say that paying for the funeral has left you and your family short (even if it hasn’t!!!) and that you had to borrow the money and you’d appreciate some back!!!!! What have you got to loose?!?!

In terms of the day to day practicalities I would be stepping back and not being as kind and available!!! X

It's really up to you how much support you feel you want to offer, but I wouldn't feel obligated to help financially or provide care. I'd possibly help make arrangements for her care if she becomes incapable of managing that herself, as I probably wouldn't be able to step back completely if she has no-one else. But that's a personal choice and you would have to balance what you are able to do with the needs of your own family who obviously come first.

Nope. She made it perfectly clear from the start and for a very long time that she does not care about you. You're just convenient, as proven by her outrageous behaviour over refusing to put her hand in her pocket for her own DP funeral.

Has she ever apologised for her abuse?

You owe nothing to this rude person. Don't be fooled.

You don't owe her anything. I'd take a step back and leave her to it.

I do often think that if she had her own DC, or even nieces and nephews, then she probably wouldn’t stay in contact. I guess I just feel guilty, even without my lovely dad my life is quite full whereas hers seems quite sad. It doesn’t help that she seems to fall out with friends easily.

Then it's entirely her own fault. I'd find a way to cease all contact immediately. She is still the same horrible lady.

It sounds like life is too short to waste time on someone that you don't like much.

I don't think you need to feel guilty at all OP! She obviously didn't feel any duty to behave in a kind and supportive way to you when you were a CHILD, as any decent adult taking on the role of step parent should. She actually damaged your relationship with your father. So shame on her. She is not entitled to your support now, no more than what you might offer to a distant aunt, if that.

Your father was obviously at fault too, in allowing it to happen. They didn't own property, but were you left anything at all when he died, even a keepsake to remember him? Or just the bill for the funeral?

You are a good kind person OP, and I'm sorry that with your mum gone you don't have any support from the generation above you, when you're only in your thirties. But I'm sure you are building a good close family of your own and will have better relationships with your own kids when they're grown.

I get your guilt, I am the closest to my step father ( he has a son but no contact in over 30 years), I don't really like him but feel an obligation to him, so speak every 10 days or so, nok with doctors and see him every 3 months or so ( I live over 3 hrs away), I have had this level of contact for over 15 years and I imagine, I will continue until he dies. It's not easy just cutting someone out and he is the only GP my ds has ever known, even if he is a pretty poor one.

She’s not really your problem. 20 years ago when you were young, she showed you what sort of woman she was.

Thanks for responding. It sounds like we’re in a similar situation and your setup sounds manageable and what I ideally would like. I’m trying to resist being suckered in to being her main support now and to instigate something that looks like this.

She hasn’t given me anything of his, just the funeral bill :(

She’s lining you up to be her carer. Run for the hills. You have nothing to feel bad about. It starts with a few ‘can you just…’ and it ends with you being the go to for absolutely everything in her life. Do not allow yourself to become her first person on call. Step way way back now.

Did you father have a will??

Im afraid I don’t think much of your father for leaving this situation for you to handle. He could have prepaid his funeral, left a will, all sorts of things. You are where you are, but I would be moving to a very low key contact ‘family friend’ contact with this lady. I’d stick to Christmas and birthday cards, answering calls when you get them, stuff like that.

As a health professional I certainly would t assume that an adult stepchild would be the person to be in touch with about someone’s care. I guess she may have you down as her next of kin, but that has no legal status, and you can refuse a carer’s responsibility.