To ask how to cope with a kid who is just so irritating?

[roamfarandwide]

I feel horrible saying this but I am on my last nerve with my five year old. I find him so irritating and I’m sure he must sense it and it must impact his self esteem.

Constant talking. A lot of it makes virtually no sense - I’m sure it does to him but it’s this stream of consciousness that is hard to decipher … he was wittering about these ‘three tigers and if they said no then they’d be there but if they didn’t then they would wouldn’t they mummy …’ and it’s almost always when I’m trying to get everybody ready or dealing with something else and I just don’t have the time to stand there and ask leading questions to work out what he’s on about. I was trying to leave for work the other day and he was just stood there wittering about something … horrible I know.

The noise, my god. So loud. Yes of course I’ve asked him nicely to make less noise. Sometimes he does for seconds later it to start again. He was playing some game this morning involving throwing a large monster truck around in the room with wooden floors and all I can hear is crash bang crash … just so wearing.

Stupid behaviour … nearly had to take him home from a party last week for throwing ketchup around.

Winding sibling up and making her scream. Messy and leaving things lying around.

I do work on it. I really try hard to address the behaviours. But the problem is I’m constantly on at him, I mean all the time. (and doing the ‘tell him what he should be doing’ doesn’t work - he often needs telling really firmly and sharply to knock it off.)

I feel horrible.

I'm sure this will have been suggested to you already - have you had him tested for ADHD? It sounds as though it might be a possibility

It’s a possibility but I’m not sure there’s anything to be gained at this stage. He’s OK at school - not perfect but nothing drastically different. Sometimes I think it’s possible and other times I think he’s just on the high end of energy levels. Time will tell. He finishes reception this year and I think year 1 will be the big reveal in many ways.

My DS has ADHD and he's 21 now and annoys the hell out of me. We clash so much due to his constant questions and righteous digs. Nothing you do is right and he can always think of a way to do it better .. I put it down to anxiety. He's like it with everyone. Why are you mowing the lawn like that, you should do it like this. Why have you put that there. He goes into shops and moves things about and questions people 🤣 he was always a strange kid and now he's a strange adult 🤣 actually writing it down sounds even worse than when he's annoying me and I'm in my own head about it ha.

I think a diagnosis can be helpful because at that stage there will be different ways to help him and parent him. Of course there's also medication which I'm sure you don't want to try (should he be diagnosed)

How about dealing with him as though he does have ADHD? Parent him taking that potential into account? See if it helps?

It’s a worry because ADHD or not it must show, he must know. Some days I feel like I’ve done nothing but nag and moan and whine at him, and it must impact his self worth. Equally though … when you try to be positive and ‘could you take your monster truck upstairs where there is carpet’ it just doesn’t work so I don’t know what to do!

How much exercise does he get? Have you tried getting him absorbed in something outside in the garden? Or something you like to do? What does his dad do? Is he interested in trucks and lorries. Can he take him off your hands for a while.

It sounds like you have an intelligent, energetic, enquiring child who needs constant interest to keep him busy. What do his teachers think?

I'd take him on long nature walks showing him plants or birds. Get him a pair of cheap binoculars and a bird spotting book. Or interest him in building stuff - cranes in Lego, then building dens outside.

Mine's 17 now. He's still doing it. He's off to study engineering in September and we might get some peace. 😁

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Of course it's so difficult for you. ❤️ Have a read of alternative parenting methods for a child with ADHD and see what you think

Sounds like a totally normal 5 year old kid to me. Kids do make noise, mess etc, they are immature and less aware of the impact on others, very egocentric.

They certainly don’t need medicating!

This.

But he won’t be diagnosed on the basis of what I’ve described - I have to assume for now he doesn’t have ADHD and he might not. I really, really don’t want the thread to work on the assumption that he has as while there are some markers there are a lot of ‘non red flags’ if you like.

@Meadowfinch he does get a fair amount, although he is one of those kids who always needs more I think. But to be fair to him he can and will also sit and wait quietly if the occasion demands it. For example yesterday he and DD had back to back swimming lessons. I have to go in with her so he was sat on the side and he had some books and activities and he was fine. He’s also OK in school.

Similar here.

A big concern was how my reaction to him impacted his self esteem and his view of me liking him.

I used to try to handle it as if he were the child of a friend, it brought my reactions back on track as I know I would never be short or impatient with someone else’s child.

I used to put him to bed at night, read the book/s then I used to tell him 3 things that had made me laugh, proud and interested in what he talked about that day. Just end on a positive no matter how much I’d wanted to run away or scream that day.

Nothing else to advise but wanted to tell you that you are not awful, it truly IS challenging and it might get better, until it does keep going.

You think the OPs child sounds like any other 5 year old? Really? OK, well maybe my 3 were abnormal 😳

I do try. Yesterday he had his swimming lesson, then I took him to the park and then to an evening swimming thing. That’s a lot I know but he really wanted to go to it.

The lack of tolerance massively worries me. I do honestly feel awful about it. It’s that balance between ‘normal five year old’ and ‘not letting him cover the reception class with ketchup!’

I have six kids, tuning out the chatter so you don’t get a headache but in a way that still sounds as if you’re actually interested and positive is a definite skill! Do you think you sound tetchy? You’re obviously a caring Mum by being self-aware enough to write this post, but young children ARE tiring. Do you get support from his Dad/other family? Do you get one on one time with him to remember what a delight he is? How full of vitality and curiosity he is?

You could try some yoga breathing exercises for relaxation to help, they really do. Yoga really helps. Also, I used to say my son needed a hamster wheel, the amount of exercise he needed (I’d had girls before him) was off the chart. And that’s hard with younger siblings. Try and up his fresh air and exercise even more than you do now. Remember, it’s not his fault you’re tired from being a Mum and it’s not his fault he’s five - it’s an in between age, and still hard. Lots of cuddles, they help both of you. You’re more than welcome to message me if you ever want a sympathetic ear.

Wow they are only 5! Wait until they hit the teenage years!!!!

Op you said I don’t have time to stand there listening- I work ft and since I’ve upped my hours my kids literally compete for my attention. I find it so sad. It’ll always come at a time when I literally do t have time to spare, or just before bed when I’m so exhausted.Is there any chance the times he goes on is the only time he can get your attention?

He often doesn’t seem massively different to other children to be fair, especially the boys. He can bounce off some characters though (not blaming them, they probably equally bounce off him)

I would say my major worries are never sitting still at home, he hangs off furniture rather than sitting on it. He’s also very, very easily led.

@Morepositivemum i don’t work full time. But I can’t quit work altogether because he might decide to tell me something on a working day. It was literally - I had my laptop and bag, have a great day darling - mummy, mummy, when I have been to, mummy when I’ve been to see the cars and then mummy if I see a red one I might mummy and then I …’ like what? And even if I didn’t work, I do have stuff to do.

I do get the broader point that he’s trying to connect with me but it’s difficult to manage at the moment. I’d welcome suggestions but they have to be realistic!

He sounds like a normal 5 year old to me.
Does your ds ever sit quietly and play?

He's not wittering on, he's trying to express what's going on in his head.

Perhaps he has a very vivid imagination that's a good thing imo.

You are self aware enough to know that you're getting irritated so perhaps it's you and not your ds that has a problem.

That sounds like a lot of stuff but ds would be fine with it, he's full of energy, but how often are you really talking to him? Mine is at a gymnastics lesson at the moment but we had a long chat at breakfast that ranged from would I rather have a spoon for a hand or a fork for a foot, to do I think kier starmer should be kicked out and his views on that (DS is 7) , to who from bunny Vs monkey each of his friends are most like. ADHD children are very energetic and very curious they need stimulation not just activity. Whether it's ADHD or not try some of the ADHD parenting techniques (easily Googleable). I notice the difference when I engage with ds chatting away to him while asking him to get dressed to DH who just gives an instruction which will then be refused. They seek dopamine which if they're not getting from stimulation they'll get from conflict, they also have low impulse control so the silly behaviour can go too far

I feel a bit dismayed that the thread goes straight to the idea of adhd. ~Thhat seems to be invoked sooooo readily these days. All five-years-olds have the capacity to be irritating. In itself, it is not remotely a grounds for rushing to the idea of something diagnosable.

I'm guessing that he is a child that has been attentively parented and expects a high degree of parental input. When he sees that you are stressed and unwilling to centre him, that makes him a bit anxious and agitated and he seeks reassurance by ramping up the attention-seeking behaviour. When he sees that you are positively exasperated with him, his anxiety rises even further and he becomes more and more disregulated.

To an extent it is a trap that we make for ourselves by centring our children more than is healthy for them, and more than is sustainable to us.

I think you need to work on yourself, in the first instance. Make sure that you have some downtime, ( ideally apart from him so that he can learn a bit of emotional self-reliance) and do whatever things you need in order to feel more relaxed. Once you are less stressed and irritated, it will be easier to respond calmly to him and dial back the irritable over-engagement you have with his challenging behaviour.

Once you have taken your visible irritation and anger out of the equation, you might find that you can withdraw a little from his play and behaviour without him experiencing that as a rejection or a reprimand. Then you will both be more at peace in the relationship.

@Heraldry I worry a lot I sound tetchy. Especially when both children are on at me at the same time. That isn’t his fault. But it’s also the repeated asking questions / yesterday he was asking (very politely tbf) for me to wipe his bum (I know, he should do it himself but whatever!) and I said yes, coming. In the time it took me to get to him he had asked THREE MORE TIMES just shouting through the house. Like - arrghh I’ve said yes, I’m coming! It makes you permanently a bit like YES!

edit I’m missing a few posts, bear with me.

I agree with pp. learn to chat with him whilst not particularly listening iyswim.