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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for refusing to let DD give her boyfriend old phone?

63 replies

Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:07

DD, 17, has begun dating a boy who is 18. DD is super happy and seems to really like him.
DD has worked part time since she was 14 and her dad and I both work full time jobs and have a second job each. We work really hard to provide for our children and always have.

Anyway, DD’s new boyfriend is 18 and dropped out of college at 17. He doesn’t work and spends his days in bed or building Lego/gaming. His mum also doesn’t work and DD has told me she has mental health difficulties.
DD came home last weekend crying at their situation, they have no curtains, just sheets up at the windows, broken furniture and can’t always afford food.

The AIBU part is that DD’s phone contact has just come up for renewal and we have upgraded her phone. She wants to gift her new boyfriend her old phone which is still worth about £400. I have just given him an old phone but it’s old enough that some of the apps don’t work.

I’ve said to DD that she can’t just give him another phone that is worth hundreds that her dad and I have paid for. We have said we are concerned that her boyfriend is not willing to help himself and get a job.
AIBU??

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/05/2026 19:08

You paid for it so you’re within your rights to say no she cannot give it away.

AggroPotato · 16/05/2026 19:09

Easy to be generous with someone else's money. It's not hers to give away. The end.

xOlive · 16/05/2026 19:12

She didn’t buy the phone, it’s not hers to give away.

DraftLovely · 16/05/2026 19:12

You're definitely in the right. She should absolutely not be handing over high value items. Tell her that he needs to help himself and get a job. That he should be treating it as a full-time job searching for work, and that she should be having him show her that he is doing this. He needs to be volunteering for work experience and helping his prospects. Ask her how she sees her life going if she stays with a man that refuses to do anything.

Leopardspota · 16/05/2026 19:12

AggroPotato · 16/05/2026 19:09

Easy to be generous with someone else's money. It's not hers to give away. The end.

i don’t think it’s that simple! Id consider my phone ‘mine’ to do what I want with, even though my dad bought it.

Ohgoose · 16/05/2026 19:14

If you paid for it then that’s fine. Has she contributed to the phone contract at all?

Original poster
Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:20

Ohgoose · 16/05/2026 19:14

If you paid for it then that’s fine. Has she contributed to the phone contract at all?

No, It’s just something we pay for for them.

OP posts:
Steelworks · 16/05/2026 19:21

I wouldn’t gift the £400 phone either, and you have given him a phone. I wouldn’t consider the phone hers as such, as you’re paying the contract etc.

I’d be concerned that he’s not finding a job. Can you find details of local food banks and organisations that can help him and his family?

i’d also be concerned that dd falls into the trap of wanting to rescue her boyfriend, at her own expense, both financially, career-wise etc.

ClaredeBear · 16/05/2026 19:21

Gosh, he’s only been around for five minutes and might remain for five minutes more. I wouldn’t be giving it to him unless I was happy to let it go to anyone.

Original poster
Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:30

Steelworks · 16/05/2026 19:21

I wouldn’t gift the £400 phone either, and you have given him a phone. I wouldn’t consider the phone hers as such, as you’re paying the contract etc.

I’d be concerned that he’s not finding a job. Can you find details of local food banks and organisations that can help him and his family?

i’d also be concerned that dd falls into the trap of wanting to rescue her boyfriend, at her own expense, both financially, career-wise etc.

DD is quite naive and any time I raise my worries, she says it’s not his fault and not his mums fault etc. and gets quite defensive.
I am trying to tackle it gently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:32

She’s offering to pay me for the phone but obviously I don’t want to accept any money from her but she isn’t seeing how it’s any different than me selling it.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 16/05/2026 19:34

My children's old phones have always gone towards there new phones, I ask for them back before/whilst buying a new one. I even exchanged my last iPhone at the apple shop as a discount for my new one.

What is her old phone doing now? It's obviously your phone and you should be able to get it back but what are you planning on doing with it now (iphones can be exchanged for apple vouchers). I kind of get that she's thinking she can give it to him if you haven't asked for it back and it's lying around her bedroom.

Mangochutney33 · 16/05/2026 19:35

This is insane.

At 18 if he's NEET then he can claim UC as a job seeker.

He should be helping out with the utility bills/food where he lives with his mum. Maybe the rent too, if she rents, but he can't claim housing costs unless he's on the tenancy and his mum may not want to do that because she may want him to move out.

He can afford Lego and games so he's not as broke as he's making out.

If he was chipping in something towards the household bills his mum wouldn't be so skint either. His mum will be getting extra UC for her health issues if she can't work.

Get onto "entitled to" website and input some hypothetical details for this guy and his mum, separately because he's 18 so they're now two separate households regardless that they live together. So DD can see the kind of income these two may have.

They probably DGAF about the sheets instead of curtains at the windows, they're obviously poor and living like poor people do.

Your DD isn't poor because you all work your socks off, she's so far been sheltered from that side of life and she's shocked by what she's seeing. She needs help to realise that she's not responsible for other people and their life choices.

I'm not suggesting that they're well off at all, but if she's under the impression their sole income is £50/wk or something and can't afford food, she needs educating that's not true.

At the moment she's in danger of viewing him as someone she needs to "save" and having a misplaced sense of responsibility for his welfare. Rescuer syndrome isn't something she wants to develop. It'll make it harder for her to break up with him when she gets bored of his lazy ways, because she'll feel guilty she's not helping him out any more. Developing a rescuer mindset will see her at risk of taking up with one no-hoper after another, it'll ruin her life because her standards for potential partners are too low.

She's also in danger of being used as a cash cow by him. He'll be spending all his money on things for himself and she'll be paying for all the dates and holidays etc. They've known each other 5mins and he's already playing the "I'm so skint, woe is me" card, whilst doing fuck all to change his situation.

Long term DD should find someone better matched to her personality ie someone with a work ethic. This guy is a cocklodger in the making.

stayathomegardener · 16/05/2026 19:36

Would you normally resell old phones to go towards the new purchase?
Can you explain that money would be allocated for a holiday or driving lessons.

I think I might go as far as taking DD away for a £400 mini weekend break somewhere lovely just the two of us so she can physically understand the value.

Mangochutney33 · 16/05/2026 19:38

Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:32

She’s offering to pay me for the phone but obviously I don’t want to accept any money from her but she isn’t seeing how it’s any different than me selling it.

She needs to realise buying someone a £400 present when it's not even their birthday (or even if it is) is inappropriate for the length and commitment level of this relationship and of her earning power. That's what it's all really about, not a phone as such, the phone is just a symptom of the problem. What is £400 to her, a months wages?

Keroppi · 16/05/2026 19:41

you tell her its lovely that she's kind but that any boyfriend wouldn't acccept money/gifts of his girlfriend if he can't/won't work
it should be embarrassing to him and her! he could at least offer some money towards it if he's on benefits or what not
take her to dunelm and show her the cost of curtains. it's not much, i'm sure they could access household support funds, universal credit, foodbanks etc or other local charities, especially if he is a young carer for his mum if she has severe mh difficulties.
she kind of needs a dose of reality otherwise she will be subsidising bum men and being a people pleaser which is not great.. it's nuts she wants to pay you for the phone or buy him one

Steelworks · 16/05/2026 19:48

Mangochutney33 · 16/05/2026 19:35

This is insane.

At 18 if he's NEET then he can claim UC as a job seeker.

He should be helping out with the utility bills/food where he lives with his mum. Maybe the rent too, if she rents, but he can't claim housing costs unless he's on the tenancy and his mum may not want to do that because she may want him to move out.

He can afford Lego and games so he's not as broke as he's making out.

If he was chipping in something towards the household bills his mum wouldn't be so skint either. His mum will be getting extra UC for her health issues if she can't work.

Get onto "entitled to" website and input some hypothetical details for this guy and his mum, separately because he's 18 so they're now two separate households regardless that they live together. So DD can see the kind of income these two may have.

They probably DGAF about the sheets instead of curtains at the windows, they're obviously poor and living like poor people do.

Your DD isn't poor because you all work your socks off, she's so far been sheltered from that side of life and she's shocked by what she's seeing. She needs help to realise that she's not responsible for other people and their life choices.

I'm not suggesting that they're well off at all, but if she's under the impression their sole income is £50/wk or something and can't afford food, she needs educating that's not true.

At the moment she's in danger of viewing him as someone she needs to "save" and having a misplaced sense of responsibility for his welfare. Rescuer syndrome isn't something she wants to develop. It'll make it harder for her to break up with him when she gets bored of his lazy ways, because she'll feel guilty she's not helping him out any more. Developing a rescuer mindset will see her at risk of taking up with one no-hoper after another, it'll ruin her life because her standards for potential partners are too low.

She's also in danger of being used as a cash cow by him. He'll be spending all his money on things for himself and she'll be paying for all the dates and holidays etc. They've known each other 5mins and he's already playing the "I'm so skint, woe is me" card, whilst doing fuck all to change his situation.

Long term DD should find someone better matched to her personality ie someone with a work ethic. This guy is a cocklodger in the making.

Good advice and worth discussing with dd.

Original poster
Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:51

Mangochutney33 · 16/05/2026 19:35

This is insane.

At 18 if he's NEET then he can claim UC as a job seeker.

He should be helping out with the utility bills/food where he lives with his mum. Maybe the rent too, if she rents, but he can't claim housing costs unless he's on the tenancy and his mum may not want to do that because she may want him to move out.

He can afford Lego and games so he's not as broke as he's making out.

If he was chipping in something towards the household bills his mum wouldn't be so skint either. His mum will be getting extra UC for her health issues if she can't work.

Get onto "entitled to" website and input some hypothetical details for this guy and his mum, separately because he's 18 so they're now two separate households regardless that they live together. So DD can see the kind of income these two may have.

They probably DGAF about the sheets instead of curtains at the windows, they're obviously poor and living like poor people do.

Your DD isn't poor because you all work your socks off, she's so far been sheltered from that side of life and she's shocked by what she's seeing. She needs help to realise that she's not responsible for other people and their life choices.

I'm not suggesting that they're well off at all, but if she's under the impression their sole income is £50/wk or something and can't afford food, she needs educating that's not true.

At the moment she's in danger of viewing him as someone she needs to "save" and having a misplaced sense of responsibility for his welfare. Rescuer syndrome isn't something she wants to develop. It'll make it harder for her to break up with him when she gets bored of his lazy ways, because she'll feel guilty she's not helping him out any more. Developing a rescuer mindset will see her at risk of taking up with one no-hoper after another, it'll ruin her life because her standards for potential partners are too low.

She's also in danger of being used as a cash cow by him. He'll be spending all his money on things for himself and she'll be paying for all the dates and holidays etc. They've known each other 5mins and he's already playing the "I'm so skint, woe is me" card, whilst doing fuck all to change his situation.

Long term DD should find someone better matched to her personality ie someone with a work ethic. This guy is a cocklodger in the making.

You’re so right.

I actually sent her the link to the UC website and said he should be claiming to help himself and his mum but she’s too shy to suggest it.

They have been dating a month, I need to be firmer and try and get her to understand the bigger issue. Thank you.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 16/05/2026 19:53

Ugh the entitlement of teenagers these days is insane.

Absolutely no. The phone is yours/DHs to decide what to do with (sell, keep for a spare, gift to someone else).

Its absolutely not your problem that her boyfriends family are struggling. He has a phone already. And it sounds like a £400 phone wouldn't help their situation in any way at all.

Her paying you for the phone to give to him also.isnt appropriate. But maybe if HE got a job you could agree to sell it to him ar a discounted rate (maybe £300).... but he would need to actually be the one paying. A gift at 17 for a shiny new boyfriend who hangs around home all day with no ambition is just asking for trouble (I know she doesn't see it like this).

I would just reiterate that he is old enough to be in education or have a job. I wouldn't comment on his mothers situation but just reiterate that he is an adult and should be acting as so.

unfortunately, we all know she thinks she is right and will not take kindly to any criticism of him and will think that she can "save him" and nothing is his fault etc... but hopefully she will get wise soon

Original poster
Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:53

Keroppi · 16/05/2026 19:41

you tell her its lovely that she's kind but that any boyfriend wouldn't acccept money/gifts of his girlfriend if he can't/won't work
it should be embarrassing to him and her! he could at least offer some money towards it if he's on benefits or what not
take her to dunelm and show her the cost of curtains. it's not much, i'm sure they could access household support funds, universal credit, foodbanks etc or other local charities, especially if he is a young carer for his mum if she has severe mh difficulties.
she kind of needs a dose of reality otherwise she will be subsidising bum men and being a people pleaser which is not great.. it's nuts she wants to pay you for the phone or buy him one

I completely agree.
My husband and I have found it really frustrating because neither of us see not working as an option.

OP posts:
AmberTigerEyes · 16/05/2026 19:55

I don’t think you understand the bigger picture OP.
You have no idea if he is lazy and his mum is gaming the system or if she is seriously ill / disabled and he is her full time carer.
You are dismissing whatever your DD tells you, at least she has been to their home, met his mum and sees how they live.

Before passing judgement and forcing your daughter to not be charitable, you should at least look into things a bit deeper.

AmberTigerEyes · 16/05/2026 19:59

My husband and I have found it really frustrating because neither of us see not working as an option.

Again, you are assuming the lack of work was/is a choice freely made and that this young man and his mum are responsible for their current state of poverty.

Look into it before casting them into the Daily Fail work shy scrounger raising a cocklodger category.

Bettermuseli · 16/05/2026 20:05

Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:32

She’s offering to pay me for the phone but obviously I don’t want to accept any money from her but she isn’t seeing how it’s any different than me selling it.

Accep the money then she has bought him the phone. That's treating her like a grown up.

Mangochutney33 · 16/05/2026 20:06

Astepaway · 16/05/2026 19:51

You’re so right.

I actually sent her the link to the UC website and said he should be claiming to help himself and his mum but she’s too shy to suggest it.

They have been dating a month, I need to be firmer and try and get her to understand the bigger issue. Thank you.

Show quote history

It's not her job to suggest he claims UC, that's just another way of taking responsibility for him. His mum doesn't work! She'll be on UC herself as a singleton. He's well aware of what it is and how to claim it. Either he doesn't want to because he doesn't actually want to look for work and will just find himself kicked off it after multiple sanctions or he's already claiming it and that's how he's funding his Lego and gaming hobbies. Either way, the reason the house is short of food is because either his or his mum's income is going on games, games consoles, the electric to run said consoles, plus Lego (which is expensive). None of this is a problem for anyone else to fix.

ThejoyofNC · 16/05/2026 20:11

I wouldn't allow her to date this boy at all, never mind give him a £400 phone.

What a shit relationship for her to be in. They won't be able to do anything together unless she pays.