AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

Assuming this is not a wind up, you expect a 14 year old to stay in her room from 8.30 pm, not get a drink after 9.30 and not be allowed a bath at 9pm. You are being Draconian, very unreasonable and borderline abusive.

That’s a bizarrely early bedtime for a 14 yo!

So she had to be upstairs and not come down after 8.30 pm? Why?

If they’re not going to bed and can play, why do they have to be upstairs? And they can’t eat and drink anything after that time?

9.30 might be a reasonable time for her to go to bed depending on weeknights on what time she gets up for school (my 12 yo goes to bed a 9 on non hobby nights because he has to be up at 6.30, and still struggles), but I don’t get this hour beforehand at her age. Obviously she needs time to brush teeth get changed and so on, but do you need to be so rigid about how long it should take? And if the kids are not settling down but playing etc, I don’t get the magic of “upstairs” other than to be out of your hair.

You don’t really get a long “evening”
without kids once they’re teens.

Also, as an unrelated aside, a cup of tea in the evening is a terrible idea, due to the caffeine. She shouldn’t be having tea in the evening at all. Even as an adult I give myself a 3 pm cut off for caffeinated tea on a normal
day.

Are you going to have these rules at 16 plus?
Literally bedroom at 8.30 with possible work and different schedules etc as they get older?

It does sound very strict to me. Some days my son is ravenous, other days not.

Wow. This sounds controlling and abusive.

I think you are unreasonable expecting a 14 year old to be in their room at 8.30pm! If she was 9/10 I’d understand but at 14 I think you are being too strict. I think you are likely to cause upset in the house and your relationship with her if you carry on treating her this way, it feels really over the top. I’m not surprised she’s rebelling a little as it sounds stifling, also at this age she maybe wants to hang with her mum a bit, things change with teenagers, including later nights, later mornings, and how long do you expect to keep this up? 8.30pm in her room until she leaves home? I think it’s time to loosen the rules a bit for her.

I also don’t think she’s causing you and your wife to argue, that’s not her fault, it sounds like your wife doesn’t agree with you, so maybe time for a conversation that suits everyone a bit better.

You sound controlling OP.

Whats the worse that can happen when she has a cup of tea at 9pm?

I feel sorry for her and your DW who is stuck in the middle.

This would not work for me or my DC.

If I lived in your house, I would impose a grammar and spelling rule: before 8:30 pm, contraventions incur a hosing down in the garden, and after that, a taser to the face.

Surely this can’t be real? If so, your wife is right and you’re an idiot! Imagine not letting kids have a bath or come downstairs to get a drink after 8.30pm. Unbelievable. Did you go to boarding school OP?

I think whether she’s doing it on purpose or not, there needs to be more compromise. The ‘rules’ seem quite arbitrary - she’s 14, why on earth can’t she get a cup of tea if she wants one? Or have a bath, or whatever.

8:30 upstairs is very early for her age. And very restrictive.
Can I ask why you want all your children out of your sight from 8:30 onwards?
Not allowing a 14 year old downstairs or to have a drink in their own home is a bit odd. Again, why??? A reasonable, set bedtime is fine. But why do you not want them doing normal things in their own home.
I suspect you’re probably right about her motives but I think your, very restrictive ‘rules’ are the main problem.
At her age mind you you’re lucky she comes out of her room at all!

Frankly that sounds abusive, controlling and thoroughly nasty. Who are you to decide when a fourteen year old can wash? My advice to your wife would be to take her dcs and get as far away from you as possible.

It is you who decides to row. No-one else is to blame. Perhaps try showing some self control instead of making those around you miserable.

Your rules are extreme and it seems bizarre that you are trying to turn a teenage girl’s desire for a bit of control over her choices into a deliberate attempt to make you and your wife fight.

Seriously, what do you think her grand plan would be? To split you up so she gets to have a second broken home? What fun!

So you won't allow a 14 year old to make a cup of tea after 8:30? That sounds totally unreasonable, I can't imagine the logic behind that. And why shouldn't she have a bath at 9pm? I think you are the problem, imposing unnecessary and random rules. I have to say, I have never heard of rules like this in anyone else's house. Why are you making up rules?

Think I'll wait & see if the OP returns befire expending any energy in this utterly batshit situation.

She’s pushing (in such a small and harmless way) against the ludicrous, draconian and selfish rules of her mothers’ husband, who has decreed for all these years that she should be seen and not heard basically; in her own home.

She’s hoping her mum might see how unreasonable & unworkable your petty rules are and put an end to them. So - put an end to them.

You seem to want your wife all to yourself in the evenings. Life doesn’t work like that with teens.

This is nuts, and extremely and unreasonably controlling.

At 14 she should be being given way more freedom. The aim of good parenting is to grow them up into competent adults who can regulate themselves. If they're all hedged about with rules like this, how will they ever learn to manage themselves?

Your rules are suitable for an 8 year old, max. After that, it's still too early, too harsh and too inflexible.

Yes, they should be allowed to make themselves food and drink pretty much whenever (but not necessarily WHATever) they like. You have a conversation with them about reasonable things, so not eating food that is planned for a family meal, or not all of the snacks, just a reasonable amount, or whatever.

You and your wife are presumably fighting, not because of your children (don't blame it on them!), but because of the extreme and unreasonable rigidity you're trying to impose on them, and her having a more reasonable view.

If you love your family, this is not a reasonable way to be. Look inside yourself, is this from your own childhood and your parents were unreasonably strict? Where is this need to control coming from? And how do you work on it to relax and let all the members of your family feel safe and relaxed in their own home? Because you're not allowing that at the moment.

Along with all the other posters here, I believe it's you who needs to change on this.

This

’My stepsad won’t allow me a drink after 8.30’

That’s ridiculous at 14

Gosh, when I was 14 I had dinner with family at 7:00, a bath at 8:00 went to my bedroom, read, then turned out the light. These were some of the happiest and most productive years of my life. I was not being abused by being expected to live this way.

Maybe, OP, your SD could keep some fruit, biscuits and a travel kettle in her room.

Your rules and bedtimes are nuts for teens and preteens. You live in a house with her kids and you expect them to be not seen after the bedtime of a 4 year old. Fuck off with that bullshit.

Ok so I wouldnt be thrilled at a bath at 9pm.
However making them go upstairs at 8.30 at 14 is a bit extreme. Mine is allowed downstairs until 10pm then bed. If I want to watch a programme that isnt suitable then I ask if they can scoot at 9pm into the other room.

It's not ok for your wife to call you an idiot-spouses shouldn't talk to each other like this, especially around kids.
You and your wife need to decide what the rules, if any, are, 9 seems early to me, but if they have to catch a very early school bus or whatever, I get it. Once you have both decided, you stick to them, or there's no point. And the kids can have a bottle of water in their rooms so they don't need to boil the kettle.
Saying there are rules, then one of you saying the rules don't matter, and insulting the step parent and rowing in front of the kids is not doing any of you any good.

What? Why aren't the kids allowed downstairs after 8:30 pm?? If you are going to implement batshit rules you should expect them to be 'tested' by teens. I'd be concerned how broken a teen would be not to test such controlling rules.

If you don't like your stepdaughter eating in the evening, leave.

You're extremely rigid and controlling of the food and hygiene of teens and tweens that aren't your kids.

This ‘Love them all’ sounds hollow.
You want them out of the way
14 yo knows this. The others will cotton on fast.
What about friends in the evening.
Btw she’ll be wanting to go out with boys soon. That should be interesting …

A 14yo should not need permission to get a cup of tea. It doesn’t matter what time it is. If she fancies tea at 2am, she can make herself tea as long as she is quiet and cleans up after herself.

you have teenagers and you are treating them like toddlers.