My mom hasn’t seen my children in over 10 weeks and before that it had also been months. My youngest is 18 months old and I think she has seen her around 5 times in her life to which I made all but one effort because my brother bought her to visit my new house the one time.
My issue isn’t childcare or babysitting, I don’t need that. It’s the lack of interest. She rarely asks how the children are, never asks about school, milestones, activities etc.
My daughter started a new school 4 months ago. My mom knew all about it, I sent photos etc, and she never once asked how she settled in. My daughter was in hospital and after one initial message she never checked again if she recovered. Just a lot of situations like this.
Meanwhile she has my niece once a week for childcare, talks constantly about her going to nursery and her developing and is very involved there, so it’s hard not to notice the difference.
I’m also really close with my brother, SIL and my niece. We’ve all spoken about the situation before, including my Nan and although they don’t like getting involved, those conversations have at least validated me, I won’t go in to more about this though.
I used to constantly ask to visit or suggest meeting up but was usually told she was busy, seeing friends, had plans etc. Eventually I stopped asking because repeated rejection really hurts after a while. So if effort was made before, it was usually me travelling to her. My youngest also had severe reflux and would regularly be sick in the car, so travelling far alone with her was difficult for a long time too.
What hurts most now is my eldest is old enough to notice. She notices the lack of effort and the difference in treatment and it breaks my heart. She has started to ask why Nanny doesn’t want to come to her dance show etc.
There have also been bigger moments that really changed things for me emotionally.
I had a late miscarriage which involved a funeral/cremation. Initially I told family not to come because both SILs were pregnant and due around the same time and I didn’t want to upset anyone or put them in a difficult emotional position. But a couple of days before, when they started asking for music choices etc, I realised me and my husband couldn’t face it alone and I asked my mom to come. She said she couldn’t because she was taking my nan to a doctor’s appointment, despite not even knowing the funeral time yet.
After my first child I had severe postnatal depression and was really struggling. My husband called my mom asking her to help because he couldn’t take time off work. She said she had golf that week and to call my dad instead. My parents are divorced, my dad works full time and my mom doesn’t work.
What confuses me is that afterwards she said she hadn’t realised how bad things were and promised with my next baby she would help more, stay over and support me properly. But I feel like we did tell her. My husband directly called asking for help because I wasn’t coping. And she never did.
Today I finally brought some of this up. Instead of any concern that my daughter feels hurt, the conversation became about how she’s “a good person”, how hard her life is, how she has to care for my nan and how disrespectful I am. My nan has become unwell recently, not my whole child’s life- for context my Nan went on a coach holiday a few months ago with her friend and until the last 4 weeks goes to her social club for disco and bingo.
I never used to hurt as much until I had my own children and understood the love you have for them. Now I don’t hurt for me as much, I hurt for my children.
I genuinely don’t expect someone to revolve their life around us. I just can’t understand going months without asking how your grandchildren are while still having plenty of time for friends, golf, walks and socialising. I’m glad she does these things- just giving context to her arguments as to why she is too busy to see my children.
I feel like I keep hoping she will suddenly become the grandmother we want, but her actions over years show otherwise.
Am I unreasonable for feeling like low contact is healthier at this point, especially for my children?