AIBU to worry another child would inherit our neurodivergent struggles?

[Giffgaffs]

I don’t know if I want to have another child because I feel it would be unfair as I have AUDHD and my partner is definitely on the spectrum. Our DS (7 years old) is awaiting a diagnosis and I see definite signs of my struggles in him, which I find really triggering at times.

I hate watching his challenges, knowing we/I have passed on our traits to him.
I have found life extremely difficult and even though I was academic at school, I just couldn’t reach my ‘potential’ and struggled hugely with my mental health. I never knew I was ND at that time. My DP (his dad) has had a similar experience, although undiagnosed, he was and is extremely clever, but has never pushed himself, partly because of low self esteem and partly because he finds it hard to stick at something. As a result he is in a low paid job.

I’ve got awful guilt that DS’s life may follow the same path, he’s very academically able at school, but I can already see the problems showing up.

There is a clear history of ND on both sides of our family.

I sometimes think I would like another child, but the thought of passing our genes on again, our neurodiversity, I just feel it’s cruel.

I'd think less about the genetics and more about what a second child would do to the dynamic of your family and your ability to cope with two

I love both of my children, but life was easier with one.

If you think of a second being like your first and can see that working for you, then why not?

My, probably ND, DH regularly reminds me that he is ok and our ND DD will probably be ok too. Is your DH's life that bad?

I am ND and so is dh. Our dc are all ND. I would think that if both of you and your partner are ND then your chances of having dc who are also ND are extremely high.

Both of us hugely struggle with our mental health and always have done. And the neurodiversity has made everything so hard.

I know, our DS definitely has it but awaiting diagnosis. I find it very triggering to see him show the same struggles I did.

Not remotely unreasonable. You’re being sensible to think it would be a bad idea.

It does sound like having another child wouldn't be a great idea. I don't mean due to potential SEND but because maybe it wouldn't be great for your and your partners mental health?

Doesn’t anyone else worry about passing their issues on , particularly neurodiversity?

You’re very sensible.

Yanbu. I think you've rightly recognised the pressure it would add to your family and your individual challenges. I would focus on your existing family and mental health. A second child can be very challenging at the best of times!

I think you’re absolutely right to consider this very carefully. I imagine it must be very painful to see your own struggles happening in your child; to know what’s likely in store for them. Maybe it’s best to concentrate on the family you already are and make life as easy, and good, as you possibly can.

I have two sons with ASD, but the second is far more significantly affected and has very high support needs. Neither DH nor I are ND and there isn’t a strong family history but a few individuals peppered around.

If I’d known my beautiful second boy would be so affected I would not have had him. I adore him, I don’t regret him, but I spend so much time worrying what will happen to him when we aren’t here.

The ‘I’m ND and I’m fine’ people are a world away from people like my son who at age 8 is like a toddler.

As there is a family trait I’d definitely take into account because of the range of needs someone ND can have. Another child might have more needs.

Just a note though that the fact that you recognise issues means that your DS may have different experiences. You will know about support and things like social stories.

I have ASD and hate it, struggle with MH and social things. Only diagnosed as an adult and no support available at all.

I am so pleased that children of relatives were diagnosed early and with support have different life experiences.
(Also feel very envious, it feels so unfair that with support my life may have been so much better).

i have audhd and can see my DS has some traits. But its important to society that there are neuro diverse people in it, most of the big innovative thinkers of the past clearly were ND.

Ive struggled terribly but I’m passionate about the strengths ND brings as well as coping strategies and healthy ways to exist in a NT world.

As ND parents you’re in the best place to help your ND child find coping mechanisms, to find roles in life that will play to their strengths not highlight their weaknesses.

Yes it’s difficult being ND, but ND people have so much to offer the world. Things like RSD can be greatly reduced by very mindful interactions during childhood.

So there’s nothing wrong with bringing a child who will probably be ND into the world. But you might find it easier to look after yourselves and the needs of your existing child as a family of 3

Edit to say if many of your relatives have very debilitating ND traits, eg lack of communication etc this might tip the balance.

I try and support him, but as I said I do find it very triggering and also overwhelming. We end up clashing regularly too.

I think a few of my cousin’s children have more severe needs. But I’m not 100% sure.

What help have you found? I found talking things through with a counsellor who specialised in ND very helpful - she helped me with coping strategies and self esteem issues

@Whysnothingsimple
counselling for me or for him?

Yes I would worry. And I had only one. We don't yet know enough to confirm that ASD can/is passed down genetically but logically and with common sense it seems very highly likely.

However I do believe that it has been society itself that has shifted so much that autism is seen so prominently; give it another 50 years and things will probably have settled down (hopefully).

Yes it would be cruel. Please don't do it, focus on making life as comfortable as possible for your son and yourselves.

I hate my autism so much, I got sterilised in my early 20s because fuck the idea of making more people suffer the same way. (Decades later, feel exactly the same, no regrets)

I can't comprehend what goes through the mind of ND parents who knowingly pass it on. Is it a "misery loves company" thing? Someone to struggle alongside you? I'd love to hear them explain.

I think that only you know if adding another child to the mix would be a good idea -
nobody else can make that call for you.

Practic finance-wise, would you manage, how would your son feel, how would you deal with another pregnancy, what support have you got?
id say ND traits aren’t a barrier (although maybe challenging) but there is other things too that should be considered

Yeah this

Neurodiverse family here, me and dd (and dcat, as diagnosed by me 🥰)

I would raise a second baby who is autistic without a 2nd thought.

But a second child would be exhausting for me. And I wouldnt be able to give enough to my dd

You would love another autistic child, and with love and support, theyd be okay

Its just how life would impact you all xx

I think it’s very likely that any future child would be somewhere on the spectrum. It certainly has a strong genetic component.

My daughter and I are neurodiverse - as is my brother. It can be super hard to watch her go through the things I did, but it’s also somewhat healing as she is able to access so much more support and understanding than I ever did. I know what it feels like to be forced into uncomfortable situations and scratchy clothes and flashing lights and I never tell her she’s wrong or picky or should try harder etc etc. I think there’s so much more known and so many more accommodations than I had 40 years ago or my (likely ND) mother had 20 years before that.

But it’s hard and I need a lot of reset time and my son sometimes is on the bottom of my list after a rough week with my daughter. We didn’t know my daughter had extra support needs before having our son - we wouldn’t give him back and I love him intensely, but we got really lucky to have a (probably) NT child. If we’d had another child similar to my daughter we’d be struggling much more.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you’re capable of and prioritising your own mental health. You don’t need more children, you need to be the best possible parent to the one you have so if that means sticking to one, that’s a great decision for you.

I think your being very wise and thoughtful

so many parents think I want another baby and we will manage
and most do & some don’t but at a great cost to everyone

I only have one son - he’s grown up now
but he has severe dyslexia dyspraxia and mild autism

I put everything into ensuring he got everything he needed from extra private lesson to kids clubs to basically get good social skills
he was diagnosed with dyslexia at an early age which massively helped

he’s bright young man and has a job that suits him and his particular skills
he’s well liked and has lots of friends he still see now from his school days

has bought a house and has a fantastic partner
he passed his driving test and has had a car since he was 19 ( something I didn’t think he would ever do )

Hes worked abroad , traveled through Asia and Australia a few years ago - again looking back at him as a kid he struggled to clean his bedroom 😂

I know that if I had two kids the same , my he couldn’t have have become as capable as he is as an adult
I was able give him plenty of support and having just the one meant I could afford to do this

I dont know, I am ND and my family, friends, husband everyone is ND. And many of us have very good successful careers. I think its more about building a life that works for you specifically and your strengths. I am not going to go on that Audhd is a superpower, I know full well the struggles and how damaging this narrative could be. But to some degree it has its benefits also if channeled in the right way. I have reached the time of my life where I am happy with who I am and open about my neurodiversity and I can see a lot of good come from it as well - ie divergent thinking, creativity, ability to do something no-one else could etc. I know people can be affected in more or less severe ways though. But I think one could have a very happy satisfying life with neurodiveristy.

suppose, I may need to add that, personally I am one and done, but not because I worry I will pass my genes on to my next kid. More so because I know it would be sensory hell for me and I wont coop well. I like my life the way it is and I give myself permission to live it the way I like rather than follow social pressure to have multiple kids.