My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

This sounds like you projecting your childhood.

You might have been raised with a "behind closed doors" attitude, but others take the attitude of "it takes a village" where problems are shared.

I often consult my mum on behaviour stuff with about my kids! She raised me and I turned out well (I think!) so I value her opinion and advice!

Totally agree with this.

Also our parents live local and often i dont want to tell my parents certain things because they would be weird about it, and then I hera my husband has told his family so I feel forced to tell mine. It has happened many times before where I didnt want my parents to know something and my inlaws told them, not knowing my parents hadn't been told.

We’d share everything, in my family. I know I can turn to them whenever I need help or advice.

DH grew up with a “don’t tell anyone” mum, all she did was turn them all against each other…

My mother is so secretive that once I went home to visit her and needed my hair cut urgently. She reluctantly told me where her hairdresser worked but informed me that I wasn't to say I was her daughter or mention me. Just act like a regular stranger off the street.

In general YANBU if he/they share everything and can’t keep things private.

But in this specific instance (with the school), I can’t see the issue. Unless it’s genuinely very personal circumstances, a child getting into major trouble in school is something I’d expect a MIL (grandmother at the end of the day) to know about… unless you specifically told him NOT to share it.

I think his family sounds a bit more normal to be honest. I’ve also had a big hoo-hah with the school recently and I really need my parents take on things, they’re my sounding board, if my husband told me not to tell my parents things, I’d just ignore him to be honest. I hate gossip and people knowing my business, but I do rely on my parents for advice, perhaps he is the same.

I sort of get it OP. I’m a very private person about some things (anonymous internet forums aside) and don’t have an especially close relationship with my Mum so don’t share much with her, and DH is the polar opposite.

I largely try and let it wash over me but I have banned him from discussing my personal issues and health (including pregnancy / labour etc) with his family. I wouldn’t try and stop him talking to them about our DS though.

It makes me twitch when he tells me the ins and outs of his Brother & Sister in laws relationship issues and her health, I barely know her and don’t feel comfortable knowing such intimate things about her, apart from the bits she’s told me herself obviously. I’m glad I drew my line in the sand fairly early on.

Now that is totally abnormal in my opinion.

I'd say you are projecting.

I would have told my parents this sort of thing and it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest if DH had also told his. In fact, I'd have been surprised if he hadn't told them.

Why is it top secret? That sounds like hard work.

I think this is a you problem, I also grew up in a talk about anything to anyone big family and I wouldn't have it any other way, we support each other, are aware when an adult or child needs help or support, always stuff to chat about and it's never been a problem. My DH came from the opposite don't talk about anything and it took him ages to be comfy and now he chats to anyone in family about everything now to and said he never realised how supportive a loving communicative family could be

I think it’s a you problem to be honest. You dh can tell his parents what he likes.

Tbh, my childhood was similar to yours, my parents still know very little about my life, but it’s because I find them quick to worry or be negative, I think there is shame attached too. Your dh sounds a more healthy dynamic. .

I dont think I would mind if it just stayed with my parents in law but I know it will travel around. For someone with my background its so hard to let go of my business like that. My husband said that my family is like the mafia with the el muerto. Hope I spelt that right

To clarify we told them that I was pregnant obviously, but never revealed my exact due date (to anyone) and I really did not feel they needed to know the gory details of my labour.

That's just ridiculous, weird. I would have definitely told the hairdresser who I was.

Again, why is it some sort of classified top secret? Does your mother work for MI5?

I have no idea. Just so much weirdness. When we were in public she would speak so quietly so nobody could hear anything she was saying to me and it was just day to day run of the mill stuff.

I think your husband might have a point.

why do you think your mother suffers from this paranoia?

Does he default to discussing with his mother instead of you? Or is it just that he tells her everything in general.

If you can acknowledge the issues that the privacy in your upbringing caused you, why do you want to do the same thing with your own family?

Yes he does but I dont even feel i can confide in my family because they often turn things I tell them into being my fault somehow. I just hate the thought of my son being talked about.

DH is the same. My rule is, my business and your children's business is not yours to share. Even if it affects you. Tell everyone about your hemeroids but not about my work. If you want to talk to someone about something related to me because you need support, ask me first.

Although we have different problems. DHs parents are horrible people. He tells them things about us and they either then lay into him about how irresponsible he is and how it's his fault and revel in his struggle. Or he tells them something positive and they don't give a shit or worse, go out of their way to do something horrible to upset him. Quite frankly, they hate him. So my perspective is, stop giving them ammo to then attack you and then you're upset and I have to support you. But at the end of the day, I can't tell him not to talk to people about his own stuff, I can only dictate what he shares about information that doesn't belong to him.

So in your situation. Very simple rules. If it is solely about you, go ahead and tell everyone. If it is about me or our children, it is not your information to share, and you must ask permission first. Or you will become someone that isn't trusted to know anything about your own family because you can't respect people's privacy. When I explained to DH that I would just stop telling him things he understood how much it affects me.

I don’t know if this will help at all but my mum had a really difficult upbringing (extreme poverty, alcoholism, domestic abuse) and she is very much as you describe. She doesn’t open up to ANYONE. She just can’t. She doesn’t like anyone to know anything about us.

Weirdly though, I tell my mum everything and she’s fine with that. Just not talking ‘outside of the nuclear family’. I can absolutely guarantee that any of her acquaintances (she doesn’t really have friends, she married an abusive man too….) know nothing about me or her grandkids (beyond the fact that we exist).

The way you are really isn’t normal - but what you’re describing reminds me a lot of my mum. She would be absolutely mortified if my dad had discussed anything I had done wrong at school with anyone for example.

I mean, my father was telling me to be private with anyone and no one is my true friend, while my mother was the gossip of the fucking block....now my husband tells everything to his mother, I don't tell much to anyone but my daughter if you leave her, she would tell everything to her friends, teachers and anyone bless her

With me the case is....I am an introvert and feel energetically exposed if I tell everyone everything.....any resemblance?