Trying for the last baby but perfect job has come up

[Choicesgalore]

DH and I decided in March to give a last horrah on trying for our final baby, which would be DC3. Current kids are 5 and 3, but we are getting older (me lateish 30s/DH v early 40s). We’ve talked about it for so long and probably would have started trying last year but due to various work and wider family related stresses weren’t ready until March.

We’ve put a hard deadline on trying that we won’t go past the end of this summer as (for us) the age gap would be too big - DC1 would be starting year 7 when potential DC3 starts reception and that’s just drawing it out a bit too much for us.

I had an early MC at just shy of 6 weeks at the start of this month and it really reinforced how much we both want this last child.

However… the fly in the ointment. My dream job was advertised on Monday. DH and I both work in roles that rarely exist outside London, we live in the Home Counties with a 3h round commute to the City. We manage at the moment by doing opposite office and WFH days (and I’m 80% FTE) but it’s a constant juggle. This role is perfect for me and it’s the only employer locally who realistically will ever be able to offer this sort of role due to size - it’s a 7 min drive from home and a 4 min drive from the kids’ school, so I could literally be in the office and still get to do after school club pick up and start of school drop off. I’ve been waiting for something like this to come up with them for ages - from everything I’ve heard, they’re a really good employer.

I sent over an application (tbh, I’ve had one ready to go for years when the role comes up) and today they’ve asked me to interview.

What do I do? There’s no way I can have another baby on statutory mat pay - I’m in a senior role and it doesn’t start to cover our outgoings, even with cutting back. Savings took a hit with 2 in nursery and it’d be really financially irresponsible (would consume our rainy day fund and even that’s not what it was after last year’s events).

Equally I don’t want to bring my bridges with this employer. But I know if we don’t have a 3rd purely because of a job I’ll feel hollow… if it doesn’t happen because it doesn’t happen that’s fine, but as much as I love my career I’m not a person who wouldn’t have a wanted baby because of it.

I’d love to hear thoughts… my current frame of mind is:

• keep going with TTC
• keep going with interview process
• if I don’t get pregnant and don’t get the job, nothings changed
• if I do get pregnant and don’t get the job, fine, I’ve got a great package at my current place and reassess after mat leave (I do like my current job, it’s just that the local one would be perfect)
• if I don’t get pregnant and do get the job, ok, we take that as our ‘sign’ and stop trying

My big thing is, what if I got the job and was early days pregnant? I could theoretically tell them in confidence and see if they’d let me have an enhanced mat leave package - I really can’t imagine they would but if they really wanted me, then maybe? Equally, if I then turned down the job because of mat leave finances at least I wouldn’t (hopefully) be closing the door with them - as they’d understand it was just awful timing - and could maybe look at a role with them in the future after DC3.

Any advice welcome, I know it’s a lot of hypotheticals but I’m suddenly stressing about how to make these things align (if that’s even possible). It’s not just any job, I do really want it for the role on its own, but also the local aspect would be amazing for our lifestyle and our kids. But equally I don’t think I’m hard nosed enough to stop trying for a wanted baby just because a great job has come up. ARGH.

I keep shuttling between
“maybe we stop trying and I push for the job? But I really want DC3 and it’s just a first round interview.”

”maybe sack the job interview off and focus on trying? But we might not get pregnant again so why close that door?”

”just keep going on with both? But that’s going to cause such a drama if both come through”

Ugh. Anyway. Thoughts welcome. I’m sick of running this past ChatGPT (apparently I’m brave and wonderful for assessing my life like this 😂🫠)

Keep going with the interview and the TTC, either one might happen or not…don’t rule out anything at this stage.

You go for the job and keep trying for the baby and figure out the money/ mat leave later if you get it.

You can always save to help cover some leave when/ if the time comes.

Thanks @AlexaStopAlexaNo @PurpleNightingale thats my thinking at the moment. But it feels way more complicated in my head!

(Chronic overthinker if you hadn’t already guessed. Great for me at work, terrible for this stuff)

Both. Just do both.

How long would you need to have worked there to get enhanced maternity pay?

Keep going with both - one or the other might or might not work out and if both do, you’ll work it out.
Having a local job is worth its weight in gold as the children get older and they need you, not childcare. (I work full time so children were in childcare or had nannies all through primary. Teenagers, it’s different.)

Both.
my boss moved jobs. Whilst pregnant. New company knew she was pregnant and she started the new job after her 1 year mat leave. It is possible.

I dont know for sure but it would definitely be out of our age window as I’m on a 3m notice at my current place.

This is the thing about the local job - I’m very niche and it’s like gold dust. Small pool of qualified applicants but comes up very rarely, and I know if I was just thinking about my DCs it’s a no brainer, so DC3 feels like a selfish choice.

Oh god I’d love that but I’m not sure I’m an amazing enough candidate for that!

(Getting ahead of myself as ever… it’s only a bloody first round)

Keep going with both. Even if you can't get enhanced mat pay then surely the new job would still be worth it in the long run (would savings on commute/wrap around childcare offset it a little?) I understand this wipes out the rainy day fund, but if it's not going to really compromise your quality of life then I think it is worth it. You could always take shorter mat leave, do as many kit days as possible which helps. Best of luck with both! From a fellow overthinker who has recently had dc3 after agonising about the decision for years!

Why can’t you be more flexible with your ‘age gap window’? I’d keep trying for the baby and keep going with the application for now. But if you get the job and aren’t pregnant wouldn’t you consider just pausing TTC for a few months? You could end up with the dream job and the new baby just a bit later than planned.

It’s a really fair question. I think because we have already moved the window. Originally it was ‘before DH is 40’ and then after a stressful year in 2025 it was ‘so all the kids are in primary at the same time’. Yes I guess it’s quite arbitrary but surely everyone has to draw a line somewhere? We want another but everyone has to find their own ‘not after this’ line?

I had my 3rd at 38 nearly 39 and 3 weeks shy of my 40th just moved to my dream role 5 mins from home. Go for the job and go for the baby. What's the worst that can happen 👍🏼

Another similar job or even better might come up in the next few years so don't put off dc3.

If you really cant afford the maternity leave then id put ttc on hold until you find out if you have the job or not

Sounds like this could be life changing job for you and your family in terms of time at home etc.

I interviewed for my dream job 12 weeks pregnant with number 3. I did both, just like a man would. No regrets. Nearly six years on it really was the best decision for us. Good luck!

I mean it's not ideal but you can take a shorter maternity leave. It might be worth it in the long run. 3 hour commute and 3 kids is not going to be easy either way.

Take the job and pause the TTC in my opinion. This is better for your current DC, and they should come first if this will make their lives better and you will see more of them. I have 3 DC, and big gaps, and just finished the school run after 29yrs!! So yeah, don’t recommend that!!

Personally I would take the job and pause TTC. A few minutes commute compared to a 3 hour round trip is such a huge advantage for so many years to come! Then start TTC again when you have been in the new job long enough.

Of you were talking to a friend you'd say both- if it makes you feel 'better' feign surprise at pregnancy and maybe this time split leave with your husband so return quicker etc? Eg 6 months over a year.
Unfortunately I think you might need to just take the hit financially....wpuld you recoup outgoing costs within say 2 years?

This. Prioritise the DC you have now and take the job if you can get it! A commute like that and a job you love would be insane not to go for.

You don't know what the future holds regarding having more children, but what you do know is that this job is perfect for you and your family.

Most of my life I would have said either go for the job or the TTC.
But here at the end of my working life I say just go for both. The world is full of people who blag their way into jobs they’re not suited to and end up being a liability and I see too many women put themselves last. We have maternity legislation for a reason. And I too know women who have been confident enough to go for roles when pregnant or TTC and it has worked fine. A bit of grumbling from some but they end up giving years of great service.
You sound very responsible and reasonable which might lead you to struggle to be a bit selfish sometimes. Go for both!

Go for both. If both happen, it might be busy short term, but it's better in the long run.