AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I would keep quiet. You’ll be seen as a gossip otherwise. Let them deal with it between them.

I would question why you are going back to this house and have not made an excuse to get out of it. There is no point trying b, anyone who cared would not invite you to wander their entire house when it looked like that.

I wouldn’t go back it’s a heath hazard. Tell your new friend what it’s like it would be cruel not to warn her.

why not decline the invitation?

And your friend is mentally unwell if she lives like that I’m afraid. She needs a referral to social services for self neglect. Whether you do that anonymously but she might know it was you so you may not want to risk it.

I would not go back to that house.

Kids in the house?

I think I would suggest meeting somewhere else. And if the dirty house Friend asked why I would tell her. I know that’s hard to do but that house is so extreme that she can’t expect people to come round and not say anything.

I wouldn’t want my friend to go to a house with so many dangers including things hazardous to her heath like faeces and nowhere to use the toilet! It’s not gossip when you’re preventing someone from being hurt! “Ah yes my neighbour has Covid but I won’t warn by friend not to go there because it’s gossip”, that’s basically the equivalent of your argument!

Go back with the other friend and then report. That way the other friend who was visiting for the first time will get the blame...

Like hell would I be going back there. Air sounds toxic 😷 but seriously sounds like she needs support. A referral to mental health services and social services. If she’s hoarding this is a mental health condition too

I wouldn’t be so quick to jump to this conclusion. I had a friend whose house sounded very similar to what OP has described, even down to the litter trays and toilet and there was certainly nothing wrong with her mental health, she just didn’t give a fuck when it came to housework and was one of those ‘take us as you find us’ sort.

Has she got kids living there? It’s a fucking health hazard, I can’t believe you’d go back there. Mad.

I wouldn’t be going by back. I’d let the mutual friend go with no warning. Maybe her straight talking would be good

im sorry this goes way beyond unclean and messy. At the very least she must have some depression or be a hoarder. As a district nurse I saw thousands of houses and the ones with faeces on the floor / unusable toilet and shower were always the far end of extreme it doesn’t get much worse than this (except the man with literally no floor, imagine walking on the beams)

I don't understand why you never said "Why
is your home so absolutely FILTHY - I can't stay in it" and leave!!

I feel sorry for the animals and would report her to Social Services and RSPCA for animal neglect.

As for accepting an invitation to visit again - ARE YOU AS BONKERS AS SHE IS????

Honestly with friends like this who needs enemies! If my friend let me go to a house like this I’d be fuming

No kids thankfully.

I actually really like this friend and I’m trying not to let the house change my opinion of her and it hasn’t really … I’m just more concerned than anything. Mentally she seems fine, holds down a good job etc but I know mental health issues can be difficult to spot. Without giving too much away, reporting her to adult SS would likely have far more implications than normal in this case.

I wouldn't go near the place again - it sounds revolting. Perhaps say you have an errand to run and suggest meeting them at a coffee shop afterwards? Say nothing to mutual friend. There is no nice way to say "X lives in a pigsty and I will not set foot in it again."

I think it depends if she has kids, if so, ye need an intervention, if not honestly the best thing you could do would be to say you’ve just cleaned your house and would she like help with hers. That would be my holy grail, carlsberg idea, when my home has been bad (not that bad), I’ve dreamed of someone off to help me

Sorry just saw she doesn’t have kids

Have I understood this right…you’re actually GOING BACK this weekend OP??

WHY??? 🤯.

I have voted YABU simply for going back! My brain cannot compute this…not a chance this side of hell I would willingly and knowingly go someone this fucking grim! I felt sick just reading about it 🤢

have you reported her to the RSPCA? Those animals are being neglected.

I would not go back, I would make excuses and meet away from her house. Is she clean herself? What are her clothes like, or is it just the house that’s a state?

I wouldn't take a third party into that environment. It's possible that your friend is suffering from depression and is completely overwhelmed with her situation