To cull bday presents/ Xmas presents for nieces

[Kat19852222]

I have a brother who is older who I rarely see we both work complete opposite schedules so rarely see each other I have tried to make an effort to see my 2 nieces (4 and 7) but it’s never reciprocated he never replies to messages or answers his phone, last saw him xmas last year and his wife (my SIL) is not the easiest person to get on with. The reason I am posting is that I’m wanted to stop giving gifts for bdays and Xmas as we have to buy for 2 and we only have 1 child (9 year old male). I always ask what the girls want but get the same answer ‘just money’ when my son was younger we were grateful for whatever they gave and never asked for anything specific. I have bought the youngest expensive dolls like Annabell and my generation and the oldest Lego friends sets, always get the same sarcastic comments after like oh yeah they liked them for 5 minutes, never get a thank you or nothing. Last Christmas my son got a cheap slime set what was on offer in Aldi and a colouring set?! ( he was 8 at the time and hasn’t been into colouring for years) I still thanked her for them but never get thanks back. His bday is in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to tell her to just not bother and I’ll do the same, fed up of making an effort choosing nice gifts and it never being appreciated, thoughts?

like I said above we’re grateful for whatever he gets tbh I don’t expect anything tbh. I don’t begrudge giving money but don’t like being told to give it, iv never once asked for money for my son who’s significantly older,

Hmm could you just get them something cheap too rather then nothing at all? Even though the parents might not appreciate it, the kids might and they might be confused or upset not to have a gift from you?

Iv bought cheap stuff before and been told it was crap and it’s gone in the bin 🫣

I did something similar with my nieces and nephews a few years ago. I just explained it as a financial reason and we stopped giving Christmas presents although we do still do birthday presents. At Christmas we make the effort to do a day out together instead. Could you do something similar?

oh ok! Then no I don’t think your being unreasonable. As PP said maybe suggest going out on a family day instead!

YANBU because they're ungrateful
YABU because they have one more child than you

Offer to take the kids on an outing. They may never take you up on it but at least you are trying to have a relationship with your nieces. They have been appallingly rude about your gifts in the past so I wouldn't continue with that and if they ask why tell them because they have been so rude to you previously you assumed they didn't want any.

Iv tried this asking to meet up days out, just get same answer we’re busy. Like I say it’s a 2 way street the effort needs to be from both sides.

Anyone who told me that they had binned a present I had sent would not get any more presents.

While I feel sorry for your nieces, I would stop the present giving. Just use one of the usual excuses - cost-of-living excuse, or don't know what they like - and suggest, from now on, you buy your DC a present from them (and make sure he sends them a thank you) and they buy something for their DC from you.

Then just leave it.

I’d send them a book token and have done with it .

Just stick a tenner in a card

Just don't bother.

"I've been thinking with DS's birthday coming up, let's just send cards for the kids for birthdays and xmases going forwards."

Then do exactly that. No more conversations need to be had about it. Cards in the post. Done.

If it were me, I’d do as @Inertiasuggested - send a book token.

I wouldn’t want my nieces to miss out because their parents have no manners and can’t be bothered to teach manners to the children.

by receiving and spending a book token, there’s at least 30 mins of thought and reflection on your generosity, plus an enjoyable read. In years to come, they might remember you as the auntie who gave them a joy of reading.

but your comparison of the number of children DB has compared to you is irrelevant and (to me) illogical.

Yanbu but to warn you they’ll remember- my kids have definitely have conversations about the aunties and uncles that give (at all, even a selection box!) and those that don’t.

To stand up for your db and sil, giving slime and markers is something I’d do, I was always of the opinion that under 11, kids may still gravitate towards it if bored!!

To be fair to them they have requested money which you’ve ignored and insisted on buying expensive toys the parents have openly said they won’t play with. I think that’s on you. Obviously they’ve been rude and shouldn’t have acted so ungrateful but you did ignore their request. There will be a reason they asked for cash, maybe the girls are saving it to put towards something - who knows but it’s better than guessing and getting gifts they don’t like.

So why aren’t you doing the same?

This!
I would never be gifting money to such young children. They have no idea about spending at that age.

If they literally said to you we put your gifts in the bin in those exact words then you really need to stop sending gifts. I cannot fathom that your response to this rudeness is to continue. I think a book token is a bad idea unless you know they actually read - sadly none of mine do despite years of trying to I’d end up swapping it for cash for them and using it myself so it doesn’t go to waste but it would be easy for them to just chuck the token if no one in the house reads. We stopped sending to nieces (DH half sisters kids) ages ago by simply not sending one birthday, they then didn’t reciprocate the next and that was the end of that - we were all relieved I think that someone had just made the first move. No discussion needed. Send a card and be done with it.

Girls actually actually asked for the stuff I bought

I have bought cheap stuff before and it’s gone in the bin

The money will be going straight in their pockets. What 4 and 7 year old wants money for a birthday gift. It’s peak toys books age.

Like PP said. Say let’s just do cards.

My thoughts exactly, don’t like being told to give money think it’s ignorant tbh. Iv never once asked for money for my son and he’s a lot older.

we have similar issues… although we rarely see the kids I’ve continued to buy the kids nice presents as it’s not their fault their parents are useless.

Are other adults buying them presents?