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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be the person who invites IL’s to everything DC related?

32 replies

SnobblyBobbly · 15/05/2026 08:16

I have two grown up children, well 19 & 16.

16 y/o barely wants us in attendance at anything it seems and doesn’t really do relevant spectator activities anyway so not much of a problem there. But our 19 y/o has been involved with a particular sport since they were 4/5 and it’s part and parcel of their life. They now do practices independently and now and then they have a big competition which I’d always mention to people who are interested. DH & I go to the majority of these. It’s not something I bang on about, but in the run up it’s pretty intense for them and if people ask about the kids, it would get a mention as a thing that’s happening.

Now my in laws are nice people, we get on fine. I don’t feel we are particularly close and I only hear from them about once every couple of months. I could probably initiate this more - but a few years back I got some comments about being the one ‘in charge’ so it put me in a weird spot as I just thought I was the mother of two kids, with a busy life, trying to make sure we had a decent level of contact with them, so I’d make plans because DH doesn’t.

So yesterday 19 y/o had a comp - they knew about it, we talked about it very openly when we saw them, and it’s been quite a big thing for most of this year, so I know they’ll have spoken to friends etc about it. But at no point did they ask to come, or show much interest. Nor did my own Mum - she knew about it and I know they all care but as I say, it’s not something we push on people.

However. A mutual friend (whose own child is involved in the comp) posted about how well they did, tagged us in it and there is MIL commenting that she would have loved to have been there and asking various questions about it. She NEVER usually comments on Social Media posts - no matter what - so it’s thrown me a bit and I feel bad that I haven’t invited them. Sorry this is so long - but I don’t invite anyone, my sister came (although she won’t know that as the post was just about the kids) but she asked to come and we would say yes to anyone. I always invite the ILs to things we do at Christmas/Birthdays/Easter and they mostly say no, so I’m not a total arse although they go to other relatives things (so they aren’t immobile or anything).

DH and I have been together for 25 years and I still feel like I always manage to get it wrong. He didn’t mention them once btw, he could have invited them. DC is 19 and they could have asked too - maybe it’s just me, but I feel the blame vibes are still aimed my way…..

So yes, I am being unreasonable and should be the inviter OR I’m not being unreasonable and they should say if they want to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 15/05/2026 08:16

Sorry this is so long but editing is a nightmare lately it jumps all over the place so I gave up!

OP posts:
Trallers · 15/05/2026 08:24

This isn't on you more than DH when it's his mum! I'd let him know about his mum's online comment so he can call her and say to let him know in future if she wants to come to anything. I do understand the guilt though, especially when you know mil thinks it's you that organises everything and therefore only you who'd ever think to invite her. Bat the guilt along to him too though, you can't be responsible for everyone!

Endofyear · 15/05/2026 08:38

I don't know why you're feeling guilty, it's not your job to let them know or invite them - presumably your 19 year old could have or your DH? I would just ignore the social media comment and if MIL asks you about it directly, you could just say 'Oh, didn't DH let you know?'

Soontobe60 · 15/05/2026 08:42

Why do you feel the need to invite people to go and watch your dc in an event? Surely you just send a quick message - ‘DCs got a comp on Saturday, do you want any tickets?’

AnnaMagnani · 15/05/2026 08:43

I thought your DCs would be toddlers!

19 Yr old can invite their grandparents if they want to.

Strandas · 15/05/2026 08:45

Does your husband message your parents about events and things? Mine doesn’t and I don’t message his. I find it easier for each of us to message our own parents.

LaburnumAnagyroides · 15/05/2026 08:46

I would say to her 'you should have said you wanted to come, let me know next time'.

Octavia64 · 15/05/2026 08:47

You are taking it quite personally.

it’s likely it was a throwaway comment.

in any case at 19 it’s much much less your responsibility than it ever was - your dc can ask ils if they want to and ils could ask either you or dc.

WildLeader · 15/05/2026 08:48

LaburnumAnagyroides · 15/05/2026 08:46

I would say to her 'you should have said you wanted to come, let me know next time'.

Yeah… perhaps even on the FB reply 😉

then tell your H to invite them to EVERY FUCKING THING

QuickBrown · 15/05/2026 08:52

Soontobe60 · 15/05/2026 08:42

Why do you feel the need to invite people to go and watch your dc in an event? Surely you just send a quick message - ‘DCs got a comp on Saturday, do you want any tickets?’

That's literally an invitation.
OP clearly doesn't feel the need else she would have done it.
She is asking if it is her job to do this for her in laws on behalf of her adult child.

OP MIL feels out of the loop. Personally I'd encourage her son to mention it, but only if her granddaughter wants that. There isn't really a right or wrong on this though.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 15/05/2026 09:01

SnobblyBobbly · 15/05/2026 08:16

I have two grown up children, well 19 & 16.

16 y/o barely wants us in attendance at anything it seems and doesn’t really do relevant spectator activities anyway so not much of a problem there. But our 19 y/o has been involved with a particular sport since they were 4/5 and it’s part and parcel of their life. They now do practices independently and now and then they have a big competition which I’d always mention to people who are interested. DH & I go to the majority of these. It’s not something I bang on about, but in the run up it’s pretty intense for them and if people ask about the kids, it would get a mention as a thing that’s happening.

Now my in laws are nice people, we get on fine. I don’t feel we are particularly close and I only hear from them about once every couple of months. I could probably initiate this more - but a few years back I got some comments about being the one ‘in charge’ so it put me in a weird spot as I just thought I was the mother of two kids, with a busy life, trying to make sure we had a decent level of contact with them, so I’d make plans because DH doesn’t.

So yesterday 19 y/o had a comp - they knew about it, we talked about it very openly when we saw them, and it’s been quite a big thing for most of this year, so I know they’ll have spoken to friends etc about it. But at no point did they ask to come, or show much interest. Nor did my own Mum - she knew about it and I know they all care but as I say, it’s not something we push on people.

However. A mutual friend (whose own child is involved in the comp) posted about how well they did, tagged us in it and there is MIL commenting that she would have loved to have been there and asking various questions about it. She NEVER usually comments on Social Media posts - no matter what - so it’s thrown me a bit and I feel bad that I haven’t invited them. Sorry this is so long - but I don’t invite anyone, my sister came (although she won’t know that as the post was just about the kids) but she asked to come and we would say yes to anyone. I always invite the ILs to things we do at Christmas/Birthdays/Easter and they mostly say no, so I’m not a total arse although they go to other relatives things (so they aren’t immobile or anything).

DH and I have been together for 25 years and I still feel like I always manage to get it wrong. He didn’t mention them once btw, he could have invited them. DC is 19 and they could have asked too - maybe it’s just me, but I feel the blame vibes are still aimed my way…..

So yes, I am being unreasonable and should be the inviter OR I’m not being unreasonable and they should say if they want to come.

She's virtue signalling for this mutual friend - "I'm such an involved grandma, I wish I could have been there but I wasn't invited".

My mum used to do this - "oh I wish I could have helped/ been there" but when she actually was asked/ invited she said no or made it patiently obvious she was bored (read the paper at child's sporting event the one time she actually came along).

I stopped telling her almost everything and stopped posting publically on social media years ago because I'm terrible at biting my tongue and she's terrible at being called out "no, you don't actually wish that, you wouldn't actually want to, you never have when you were actually asked..."

It's not about you, it's about how she wants to be seen/ see herself. As you say, she knew about the event and all the previous ones and showed no interest in attending or talking about it before.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 15/05/2026 09:04

WildLeader · 15/05/2026 08:48

Yeah… perhaps even on the FB reply 😉

then tell your H to invite them to EVERY FUCKING THING

Show quote history

yes, this! Post in reply to the Facebook comment, I dare you...

Fantailed · 15/05/2026 09:04

I’ve literally never invited my PILS, of whom I am fond, to anything in 30 years! They’re DH’s parents. Comms with them are his job. I handle my parents, siblings etc.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 15/05/2026 09:06

Oh sorry did you not know I resigned from being dh's PA?.. Ignore them unless dh arranges to see them.. Backing away was life changing for me. We had a regular Monday visit... 8.20 am every week. If they turned up other times I went out. Not mine to entertain...

PickAChew · 15/05/2026 09:08

If your adult child wanted them there, they could invite them.

Comtesse · 15/05/2026 09:12

HaveYouFedTheFish · 15/05/2026 09:01

She's virtue signalling for this mutual friend - "I'm such an involved grandma, I wish I could have been there but I wasn't invited".

My mum used to do this - "oh I wish I could have helped/ been there" but when she actually was asked/ invited she said no or made it patiently obvious she was bored (read the paper at child's sporting event the one time she actually came along).

I stopped telling her almost everything and stopped posting publically on social media years ago because I'm terrible at biting my tongue and she's terrible at being called out "no, you don't actually wish that, you wouldn't actually want to, you never have when you were actually asked..."

It's not about you, it's about how she wants to be seen/ see herself. As you say, she knew about the event and all the previous ones and showed no interest in attending or talking about it before.

Show quote history

This is what’s going on. She knew it was happening.

I don’t think it’s your job (more like DH or 19yo’s job) to tell them about these events…..

YessicaHaircut · 15/05/2026 09:12

YANBU OP, leave it to your DH to keep her up to date and then if she complains you can just say, DH was supposed to invite you.

My sister is very much like this so I feel your pain. She will sometimes refuse invitations and then if we post a photo on social media will comment on it implying she wasn’t invited. It’s exhausting, frustrating and honestly makes me feel like I’m going a bit crazy sometimes as I question whether I remembered to invite her.

Comefromaway · 15/05/2026 09:16

Ds is a musician. At 19 if he was doing a show then he would ask his grandparents/other family members himself if they wanted to go. I would generally mention it to people in passing but like you, never forced anything onto people.

Lomonald · 15/05/2026 09:16

Some people wait to be invited, even grandparents someone your husband your son or you could have just said are you coming to X but really it is up to their son isn't it to make sure they are invited/going, just say he was supposed to say then shrug your shoulders.

WeatherOrNothing · 15/05/2026 09:31

The problem here is you. Why have you allowed yourself to take this on? It’s his parents, people who don’t bother that much in effort. SO you treat them the same. I wouldn’t even allow this to enter my headspace. Also your 19yo is an adult. Assuming they have their own phone, why aren’t the in laws contacting them directly??
see? You’ve created a problem for yourself here. Your dh isn’t bothered, neither is your child, so why are you flapping about so bothered by it?

mindutopia · 15/05/2026 09:33

My teen competes at a high level sport and she would absolutely hate if I was inviting grandparents. She doesn’t even really like Dh to come. But anyway, your dc is an adult and can invite their grandmother if they want. I think though if a grandparent is only in touch every few months 🙄 no, of course, they aren’t going to get invited to every competition. Why would they? You might as well invite the neighbours too! You probably see more of them.

AlwaysJamFirst · 15/05/2026 09:38

My mum does this performance grand parenting but we all know she'd rather be on the coach trip with her mates or watching Bergerac reruns.

The PIL pick and choose between all the grand kids and then we hear endlessly about dear George being so gifted at football, when he stopped playing years ago.

The favourite child gets every thing attended but then the grand parents super bitch to the rest of us about the journey/price/sacrifices they made to go.

So no, no invites and especially not for older teens!

ProseccoPie · 15/05/2026 09:53

I wouldn’t worry about it. Keep it bright and breezy, say “ I didn’t realise you would have liked to have come, but you’re always welcome you know”
The ball is in their court then…..
If they’re anything like my in-laws, they’ll come once……

Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 15/05/2026 10:17

There is definitely an element of virtue signalling for sure. It’s the classic thing I’ve noticed where they don’t actually get involved in anything, but want to know everything so they have all the details for outsiders. I haven’t let this be my problem for the past 6 years tbh but it’s so out of character for her to comment publicly at all so it made me wonder. I pulled back after I realised I was getting the ‘controlling wife’ edit when in actual fact I was the only one making any effort it now seems. I Didn’t really notice that when the kids were little though and just did whatever. But the trouble with their hands off approach is that no, the kids don’t particularly want them at things because despite how they put things across, the relationship isn’t there other really than in name. They do chat to the kids when they come over, and their interest in them is genuine, but we’ve just never had a particularly relaxed relationship which I’d have much preferred and at one stage thought I was establishing.

No, this is good. Thanks for your replies agree with pretty much all of you and just wondered how these things go generally for others.

Oh absolutely, I do leave DH to do his own communicating with them these days and does he invite my side? Absolutely not - I think the last time he invited my Mum to anything was our wedding when he dropped the invitation round with me! 😆

But she’s a whole other situation 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
SnobblyBobbly · 15/05/2026 10:19

AlwaysJamFirst · 15/05/2026 09:38

My mum does this performance grand parenting but we all know she'd rather be on the coach trip with her mates or watching Bergerac reruns.

The PIL pick and choose between all the grand kids and then we hear endlessly about dear George being so gifted at football, when he stopped playing years ago.

The favourite child gets every thing attended but then the grand parents super bitch to the rest of us about the journey/price/sacrifices they made to go.

So no, no invites and especially not for older teens!

Bergerac reruns! 😆 That’s my Mum. ‘Updates’ me on episodes of Heartbeat circa ‘98!

OP posts:
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