AIBU to consider changing my son’s surname after I marry?

[su203456]

Just looking to see if anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant with my son at 18. Me and his dad weren’t together long and had ended things before I found out I was pregnant. My son has my surname, not his dad’s.

Fast forward 7 years and I’m due to get married in a few months to my fiancé. We’ve since had a child together who has his surname, and I’ll be changing mine when we marry.

My son’s dad sees him every other weekend and everything is perfectly amicable, but outside of those visits he doesn’t really check in. We don’t hear from him in between, and he’s not involved in the general day-to-day things like school, clubs, appointments etc.

What’s brought this up is that my son recently asked me about surnames and said he’ll be the only one in the house with a different name?

I’m now wondering whether I should look at changing his surname so we all match as a family. My fiancé has been in his life since he was one, so he won’t remember life without him there.

Part of me worries how his biological dad would react, but then equally my son doesn’t have his surname anyway. I did think about double barrelling, but honestly both surnames together are a bit of a mouthful. I also think it’s a huge deal changing a child’s name but that could just be my anxiety!

Would it be unreasonable to consider it?

You’d need his dads permission?

I can imagine he’ll have an issue with your son taking another man’s name even if he doesn’t have his!

Why would she need his Dad’s permission?

Is he on the birth certificate?

For the same reason his Dad would need permission to change their sons name.

I would be keeping my surname if he has yours. That way two of you have your name and two of you have your partners name and he doesn't feel like the odd one out.

His dad will still have to consent if he has parental responsibility (if he’s on the birth certificate then he will have this) whether he has the same last name or not. Personally, I would be keeping my last name upon marriage and would have given the child with your new partner both surnames but I appreciate I’m probably in a minority there.

This is the important question.

Why don't you just not change your name OP? You may prefer to, but for your son's sake I'd just leave it

Yes, this is the best plan.

@BeardySchnauzer Thanks for your reply. I’m aware I would need father’s permission. However, wouldn’t it be the child’s best interest vs his dad’s ego?

I wouldn’t change my sons surname to another mans name who isn’t his dad, particularly if he still sees his dad. But I don’t think I’d have a different surname to my child either.. I would just keep my surname.

OP, how about hyphenating with your (new) name and his? I think it’ll need to be changed one way or another because it would feel awful to be the only one with that name.

Why would it be in the child's best interest?

Double barrel your surname and give that to your other DC too?

Well no. He has your name and you're his mum. It would actually be in his best interests if you kept your name rather than considered giving him another name just because you've got married.

It would have been better to give both your kids your name and then your DH could have taken it too.

In fact, you could still do this if your fiancé would agree and not put his ego first

Such a good idea!

Why not change your younger child's name to yours too and your fiance can also take yours. Then you'd all match.

I think this is the best solution

Sorry - he is on son’s birth certificate! He doesn’t have his last name because we were not together. I didn’t see him or speak to him throughout the entire pregnancy, it just didn’t feel right. I did put him on the birth certificate of course. The surname was never a disagreement between us, it just felt obvious (to us)

I wouldn’t change my surname in your shoes. (And would have double barrelled your second child’s name). I wouldn’t change your first child’s name.

This.

You don’t have to take his surname, lots of people don’t. I regret doing it and wouldn’t if I was marrying now.

If the tables where reversed i wouldn't want my kids to have their stepmums surname

I could understand if his dad was out the picture but he’s not. Makes no sense to me to give him the surname of somebody who is not his parent. As PP said - I would not want my child having their step-parent’s name.

I'd double barrel your surname when you marry, it's really the best of both worlds then.