AIBU to consider moving my son to a different primary school?

[makeapackedlunch]

I’m not in any way wanting to be negative about my DS’s primary school but I am wondering if a fresh start might be best.

He’s made a friend and the two of them seem to bring out the very worst in one another (it’s a one form entry so can’t separate them.) He seems to be getting a lot of time outs and discipline and is regularly coming home very emotional and tearful. I’m worried it’s affecting him and also worrying that it affects how others perceive him - anxious that other children will avoid him and the other ‘problem child’ and be alienated and then of course forced together even more.

Moving schools seems like a nuclear option but I am wondering as there just doesn’t seem to be a way around this.

Your post has a sense of blaming the other child.

if you move your son, he’ll be even more disrupted and it could just happen again in another school.

You need to address your sons behaviours rather than avoiding them by moving schools

Have you spoken to the teacher about this?
How old is your son? I was assuming reception age as you say he has made these friends who you feel are a bad influence, but the consequences don't line up with reception age 🤔

How old is your son? Are there other schools around you that are good options?

@FedUpOfThisGCSEmalarkey i tried really hard not to so apologies for that. I don’t think it’s his ‘fault’, it’s ds as well. They just do seem to bring out the very worst in one another. I am very conscious it could happen in another school, it’s an excellent point. I guess I’m wondering if maybe in a two form entry school it might be easier to separate problem characters. I really do want to deal with his behaviour but have to admit I’m at an absolute loss because they just will not leave one another alone but are not especially kind to one another.

@Moonnstarz I’m going to speak to the teacher tomorrow but it is difficult to address as a lot of the problems happen at lunch time.

There are a number of small village schools and a couple of slightly bigger ones. He’s in reception which is a low birth year so he shouldn’t have issues getting in. I don’t really want to move him but the situation is concerning me more and more as the months go on and it’s hard seeing him so distressed.

If it is reception age, even in a two form class they mix during busy time. Even if going into year 1 several schools now have also taken on a reception like approach and do continuous provision across both classes.

Possibly but that’s something to look into - he didn’t have problems or issues at nursery. I do feel that they are both in a very negative cycle and I am at a bit of a loss as to how to break it.

You could move schools and easily have the same problem, so I wouldn't. You need to teach your son how to deal with things not just run away from them.

problem characters normally play up at break/lunchtimes, so two form entry would unlikely make a difference.

is he otherwise happy at the school?

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I know … just very difficult to know how to do that, and I do feel he’s in a very negative cycle at the moment.

Every school has one or two 'characters' per class. If your son is a 'character' or is drawn to the other 'characters', this will be the same wherever he is. If he is generally happy and settled, I think you'd be better off working with the school to reinforce good behaviour at home and school.

That’s true but there does seem to be something about this particular relationship that is causing problem. It’s true I could move him and he’d have the same problem, but he didn’t in nursery. I’m just wondering if a bit of a reset is needed. And if not, how to manage it as it’s horrible seeing him upset every day and can’t be very nice for anybody.

My DS had a "friend" like that. Thick as thieves, couldn't separate them, but also very damaging to each other. It got quite complicated, and involved quite a few meetings with the teachers - not about to publish all on here.

In our case the frenemy moved away, and problems were resolved.

It was the frenemy who was the stronger character. So without the person leading my DS astray, and bullying my DS, life settled down very quickly. I know how that sounds, my DS was never perfect, but that was the dynamic.

If you have a similar dynamic, then it could work. But if not - who knows.

It does sound quite similar @PullingOutHair123 . It’s really difficult as it isn’t a positive friendship at all, they are not kind to one another (or even particularly nice!) but work one another up into a frenzy.

The other child was off school for quite a prolonged period and all was fine then. So I am worried. As no amount of trying to encourage other friendships seems to make a difference.

Lunchtimes are usually staffed by the lunch time staff so no teachers. They often rotate year groups as well so there is no continuity unlike teachers who know who the children are in the classroom setting and staff the break times.

Mornings are mad busy at drop off, I would request an after school meeting with the teacher and come at it as to how school can support him making better choices and how you can support him at home, reinforcing what school suggest. This will not be the first time they have had this happen.

Also try talking to your son about making good choices, it is a key phrase in school for children to learn accountability. So tell him to raise his arm in the air, he puts his hand up and you say see how you choose to do that? Tell him how much you wish you could cartwheel at work but you know that that isn't a good choice and you would get a time out. Emphasise making good choices all the time.

He can understand that his actions are getting him the time outs. Don't tell him what to do, help him figure it out. How could you not get a time out?

I agree it’s a nuclear (and unnecessary) choice.

Thanks @Didimum . Any more to add?

A number of years ago my son sent home every lunchtime as he'd been sick. I only ever went to 2 schools. I remember saying to him 'you can't live your life just doing mornings! What do you want to do? Change schools?' And he said yes! I'd no idea how to do this but called the nearest alternative, he went for a trial day and never looked back! Undiagnosed Aspergers (not diagnosed until 15). So it was his choice, but the new (much smaller) school restored my faith in education.

Same reasons everyone else has said, hence me saying I agreed.

We had this with DS - it was two form entry school and had to request other stream - made a huge difference. There was some resistance DS just need to make good choices - it will make no difference but it was done.

Other child went on to have issues with other kids - winding them up in next few years. DS settled down did well made other friends. A few other parents were still labelling as problem him a few year later but next years teachers were great.

I couldn't have changed schools due to other kids - wasn't an option and not sure we'd have gone for that - I had to push for other class and was made to feel I wa pushing wrong solution there - but I wasn't.

Right. Thanks. It was actually me who said it was a nuclear option.

Thanks @AprilMizzel . I am at a loss as to what to do - it feels like the situation is only getting worse and I am worried about it. I really wouldn’t even be considering this if I wasn’t extremely concerned.

I’m not annoyed. I don’t really know how just a few lines have turned into an argument.

I’m not in the habit of overreacting. I haven’t withdrawn my son from school or looked at any others, but I am concerned and I have to be realistic that it is going to be a very difficult problem to ‘solve’ in the current setting and it might be I do need to consider different options. What I don’t want is for the situation to drag on for years, losing friendships and getting (in all honesty) a reputation as a troublemaker before I have to act and then poor reports to the new school, confidence / academics affected. And that’s just him: it impacts other children too of course.

I really am very open to any help at all, but stating arguments with me when I’ve done nothing to warrant it is unfair.