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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

175 replies

Overwhelmedandneedadvice · 10/05/2026 20:37

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 10/05/2026 20:39

Well no as this parent needs proper care.

parakeet · 10/05/2026 20:39

Crying and guilt tripping from parent or your sibling?

Lifeisexpensive · 10/05/2026 20:39

Absolutely not. They need to accept that they need external help.

Original poster
Overwhelmedandneedadvice · 10/05/2026 20:41

parakeet · 10/05/2026 20:39

Crying and guilt tripping from parent or your sibling?

Parent!

OP posts:
Chatsbots · 10/05/2026 20:41

Ring Adult Social Services and ask for a needs assessment.

Let them deal with this situation.

Popskipiekin · 10/05/2026 20:41

There are elements of that that you and your sibling could do - the housework/cooking potentially and the taking to appointments - but otherwise it should be exclusively done by a Carer. It is not remotely fair to expect you to help with toileting in particular, and time wise with a young family you will grind yourself into the ground if you don’t get practical support with this.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/05/2026 20:41

They can only refuse carers because they know you will do it.

Also, you can't do this without sacrificing your children's childhood.

parakeet · 10/05/2026 20:42

You and your sib need to discuss to agree a proper action plan to force them to accept paid carers coming in. You will need to be tough. But it is essential to protect your own mental health. good luck.

ToSayYouHaveNoChoiceIsAFailureOfImagination · 10/05/2026 20:42

No, you're going to kill yourself, but before that happens your relationship with your kids will hit rock bottom, they'll go off the rails and be left with awful memories of you and their grandparent and lifelong emotional difficulties.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 10/05/2026 20:43

For a short term illness only - I'd do it. My dad has terminal cancer, and I've already accepted that I'll likely need to provide care at a high level for a time before hospice care or chc can be started. But for years? Absolutely fuck no. Not a chance. This is so unfair on you - and your siblings. How can a parent do that to their own children? It's beyond me.

Stillfatstillmiserable · 10/05/2026 20:44

Even if you didn’t have children this would be too much!
Walk away. No half decent parent would ask this of their child.

Ritaskitchen · 10/05/2026 20:44

My DM has a cancer diagnosis my DF has depression. She is currently in treatment - daily. It will last 6 weeks. She will near after this scans, a couple more operations.
DF isn’t looking after himself well at all.
I am happy to help regular in the short term but long term if their level of need continues I will burn myself out. Also I have to travel to help them. So that disrupts life at home.
Sadly at some point - I hope with support. They will have to choose a cleaner and maybe some caring help. I cannot do it all with the help of siblings. It isn’t sustainable long term.
Neither is it so for you. Good luck with boundaries. I’m starting to construct mine

CMOTDibbler · 10/05/2026 20:44

I’ve been through the elderly parents stage, and in your case your parent is being totally unreasonable- you can’t give your children a childhood, keep a roof over their heads, have a reasonable level of mental/physical health yourself and provide that level of care. And assuming this is something that isn’t terminal, this could last a very long time ( my mum needed carers for 15 years). You can’t imagine absolutely say no to this level of care and just be a normal loving daughter who pops in to see them, takes them a meal round once a week- but also ensure that they are getting the professional care they are entitled to, and which will give them a lot better chance of staying at home than wearing their daughters out.

outerspacepotato · 10/05/2026 20:45

When you say small children how old are you talking? Unable to be at home without supervision?

You have a legal obligation as well as moral to parent your kids. They are too young to care for themselves.

Your mom can have carers in to help her with the activities of daily living that she wants you to do. Just because she wants you and sibling to do it all doesn't mean you can, especially since it would involve neglecting your own kids. She'll have to deal.

She's making you choose between your kids and her and given that she sounds unreasonable and manipulative, I'd pick your kids.

You can back off and I think you're going to have to. You can't run two households and have young kids as a single parent and do all the ADL for your mom.

BernardButlersBra · 10/05/2026 20:45

Zero chance of me agreeing to this. In your shoes l would decline, it’s not fair on your children or you

Tough if they don’t want carers

Octavia64 · 10/05/2026 20:45

I’m disabled.

absolutely fucking not.

i expect the parent goes all crying and guilt trip
and I just can’t cope if it’s not family blah blah fucking blah,

reminds me to the time my dad said to me he wouldn’t use a wheelchair because he thought it was degrading and I looked at him from my electric wheelchair and said “would you like to fucking repeat that?

he decided he didn’t want to repeat it.

stubborn fucker never did use a wheelchair. His loss. We could have had great wheelchair races.

Superstar22 · 10/05/2026 20:45

“I can’t continue to do this level of care, parent. I am organising you carers and you will have to try them or you will have to wait until I or siblings arrives. I will visit you to help you at these times on these days. I know it’s upsetting but many people would be in care homes by now. I have two young children’s and I am exhausted I am trying my best”….. on repeat for the next few months.

when the carers are arranged, through the council or privately id probably go round for the first week to support everything and then that would be it.

I am in a soon to be similar situation. I will be available 2 long mornings (whatever time until 1pm) and for an hour or two the other days tea time ish, and will have 2-3 hours of a weekend day. I will be going on holiday at least 6 weeks a year. I will also be having at least 2 days a week off from visiting. Essentially I will not have my life taken over. I have children, a job, a husband, hobbies and I need peace. I love my parents very much and will help them very much but I will not be able to do 24/7 (unless for very acute reasons- like a week or so if they are very ill over and above dementia).

Logika · 10/05/2026 20:45

Of course it's not reasonable. But you might need to stand very firm and let things basically get to crisis point to force them into accepting help from outside. Ultimately it's you Vs them in that and as long as you give in, you won't win. But you are being utterly reasonable in standing firm.

My great aunt was carer for her mum her whole life, she even had to turn down a marriage proposal. My mum always said "make sure you put me in a home". I am certain it's not that easy when it comes to it, but one person has no right to force the other to take on care especially at this very significant level.

Check out the elderly parents board.

Flymehomejeff · 10/05/2026 20:52

Some parents are so fucking selfish.

Elsvieta · 10/05/2026 20:52

Certainly wouldn't do the toilet stuff, no. If you and your sibling refuse to do it and arrange a carer, s/he will accept the carer - there will be no choice. Put your foot down.

Original poster
Overwhelmedandneedadvice · 10/05/2026 20:55

She’s very old fashioned and won’t have people in the house as it’s not spotless. My children (both little ones under 7) have to spend every day at her house - we only use our house to sleep/bath etc and basically live there. They have a lot of toys there and do make a lot of mess, but by the time I’ve done all she needs, I don’t have the energy to tidy their mess!!

OP posts:
Sortingmyself · 10/05/2026 20:56

No that expected level of involvement is far too much for you.

Once you drop the rope and step back, they'll have to utilise social services/pay for care. I would suggest you contact SS for an assessment. If your parent refuses, you will have to explain very clearly what you are prepared to do to help and stick to it - do not deviate from your plan/boundaries because before you know it, you'll be absolutely knackered and fit for nothing.

Edited to add after reading your update...absolutely not fair on you or your kids. Get together with your sibling and agree a plan going forward and tell DM what you are each prepared to do.

PoppinjayPolly · 10/05/2026 20:59

is this level of selfishness new to her? How on earth does she think that you can sustain this ?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2026 20:59

It’s far far to much to expect of you.

They will have to accept outside carers.

I never understand these parents who refuse external care, at the expense of their children.

How is that the action of someone who loves their adult child? I would never want this for my children.

Original poster
Overwhelmedandneedadvice · 10/05/2026 21:01

PoppinjayPolly · 10/05/2026 20:59

is this level of selfishness new to her? How on earth does she think that you can sustain this ?

She says it’s not that much and it hardly takes up any of my time. 5 mins for this, 5 mins for that etc.

OP posts: