To be so stressed that my kids are horrible?

[doyoueverthink]

I really am worried shout this and I don’t know … feels like I’m doing the right things on paper but then they don’t work.

ds(5) very worried he is the problem chile at school. Lots of time outs, lots of fall outs either another child (but won’t leave one another alone.)

Very unpleasant behaviour with me lately, lots of ‘ I will smash your face in’ and things which are quite shocking. In public I find him so embarrassing - horrible I know but he’ll be incredibly silly then get hurt or told off and responds with this awful fake cry - like ‘WAAAAHH.’ Then the more you try to speak the more he does it!

Dd is 3 next month and just has this horrible habit of wanting whatever ds has and it doesn’t matter what it is, even if she has an identical item, she will try to take it off him and scream and scream. I have been firm about this but it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in and it really affects us. Example; earlier ds got a medal for a sports activity and she was just trying to grab it off him and screaming her head off ‘mine MINE.’ It ruined DS’s moment and must have been horrible for the coaches.

I wish I didn’t feel so negative about them but they do embarrass me and I feel others must think they are not very nice children. I know this sounds awful and I’m being very honest here. It is my most secret fear really.

Is the Dad around OP? If so, why didn't he stay with your boy while he got his medal, so that you could take your DD out of the situation?

That’s kind of not really the point to my post?

Is your DS the same with your DP - is it only you he plays up with or DP as well?

Some of this sounds normal, it’s just the way you handle it that’s important. What does your DP say and do you have a good support network?

What consequences do they have for their behaviour OP?

My eldest 5 used to be like this and to an extent still in sometimes. The phrases he has come out with since starting school are very similar to then smash your face in one. When he says things like that, I always ask him what it means and if he thinks that’s a kind thing to say. He will always say no, so I make it clear he shouldn’t be saying things he doesn’t understand. We have a reward jar now so he gets rewarded for the good things he does (can be anything), but if he says something nasty of behaves in an awful way one gets removed. We always give him a chance to correct his behaviour before taking it away. It’s taken a couple of months but it’s really started to work. We used to just send him to his room but he never cared because all his toys were up there, so he would be having the time of his life lol.

I’ve found that complimenting the behaviour you want has worked better for me than telling him off when he does something naughty. So if he says something nice to you or someone else, compliment that. If your daughter shares or wait her turn, compliment it and explain why you liked it.

You asked for help and the PP offered help. If this is your attitude normally, no wonder you and you’re kids are struggling.

It is relevant- it was the same thing that occurred to me as I read your post too. Grandparents too- a support network. Your children need to have calm consistent boundaries held by a number of adults- that's how they'll learn that that's the way the world works, not just what Mum says. Children vary and some are easy whatever the parents do, but if theyre not easy (and many arent, but can be shaped!) it's a really hard job if it's just you.

Edited to add I also echo what @Bananachews said about praising the behaviour you want to see, however things like reward charts didn't work for mine- they saw not getting a sticker as a punishment and found that power thing really hard. Praising the good and consequences (even if just a sharp voice) worked well but you have to be consistent. And try not to worry or read too much into specific things they say and do- many children look for a reaction, it doesn't mean they're going to grow up a horrible or violent person!

Thanks 'ScouserSue', I must admit I was a bit taken aback by her attitude to my question, as I just thought if there was no Dad around, things may be more difficult for her as a single Mum.

They are both still little so there is time to improve their behaviour.

What consequences do they have for bad behaviour at the moment?
Do you reward/praise good behaviour?

I think it’s relevant. If there is more than one adult, it’s often a case of divide and conquer at weekends with children of these ages. If it’s you on your own, there is a different challenge. I wouldn’t be so quick to jump down the throat of a poster who has not been rude to you.

I think OP is asking for help with her situation generally, not questioning her parenting in a specific example.

I’m sorry @doyoueverthink, it sounds tough. I went through stages where I was anxious my children weren’t nice and it was always because they were at a tricky stage - they grew out of it with consistency and are all now quite lovely teens. But it’s hard to see progress when you’re ground down.

Hope you can make some time for yourself if possible to replenish your own ability to parent (you can’t pour from an empty cup etc etc). I also found The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read very very helpful in understanding how to respond to bratty behaviour - and why I found it so triggering.

Best of luck - it will be okay x

I wonder if he's around other kids at school that act in that way. Both my kids picked up annoying habits when they first started reception.
With the fake screaming or making those comments I would say "I am not going to listen while you talk to me like that/scream like that" then disengage. As soon as there's a slight shift towards better behaviour (not necessarily perfect), re-engage as normal so he realises what you will and won't accept. I find trying to speak to my youngest or reason with him when he's in this sort of mood does absolutely nothing except frustrate me and incite him.

Neither will be bad children though. Have the school suggested anything?
Your oldest might be struggling with his sister being like that but they all go through phases that annoy the other!
The partner question is relevant to the medal situation. Id have said if you don't stop we go outside, then taken youngest out but you can't do that if you're the only one there so it's tricky!

What are the consequences for their behaviour?

I might be wrong but do you post quite a bit OP? The ages of the kids and the style of writing seem familiar.

If you are the same poster you have sounded completely burnt out over your most recent threads. I hope you have support in real life. Your kids aren’t horrible. 3 year olds and 5 year olds are just extremely hard work and it’s very hard to pour from a near empty cup.

I would say it is highly relevant.

Why would you not remove your 3 year old so she couldn’t ruin the awards for everyone else? Do you have a partner to help?

I had this exact situation at school nativity - 3 year old child running up and down stomping, screaming and taking things away from performers. Teachers stopping to steer her to her dad. Who just shrugged!! Like “oh well that’s kids”. NO, take her outside!!

Also, “I’ll smash your face in” is quite specific language. Where is he learning that? tv, family member etc?

That wasn't helpful it was a question

Normal? For a 5 year old to threaten to smash your face in?

Thanks @Bananachews . I might see about a reward chart. I’ve always been put off them because ds tends to go on and on about something (for example there’s a school trip next week and he’s asked me every day for the past fortnight if it’s today 😩) but maybe I should try it. I’m just worried it would be ‘am I getting X’ and then crying and wailing when I say not yet or when I remove a marble or pom pom? But I’ll try!

I wasn’t trying to be rude with my second post and I’m sorry if it came over that way! I was wrangling with a Vinted parcel at the same time. But I just meant I didn’t just mean that specific example but it’s an ongoing problem and has been for a long time now. I was the only one there yes

@lev2002 thank you. School haven’t mentioned anything - I think I’m going to speak to them though, as I am a bit worried and he does seem to be getting in bother a lot for things, OK low level but he’s only five … I feel like he’s attracted to the daredevil, bruiser type kids but then it goes too far and he gets upset but just hasn’t got the maturity to step away. I’m worried the more ‘moderate’ boys in the class won’t want to play with him.

Thanks @SallyRabbit that was exactly what I meant … I really wasn’t meaning it rudely just that yes, maybe we could have done that on that particular occasion if dad had been there but it doesn’t stop the screaming and arguments at other times. They were at it in the car the other day and it was awful.

Thanks @ClaredeBear , I really hope it’s normal! I’m feeling like a terrible parent!

Where has he picked up the phrase “I will smash your face in”?? That’s definitely come from somewhere, kids don’t just say stuff like that themselves.

I’m not totally sure he understands what he’s saying. I handled it badly as I reacted with shock and dismay the first time he did it and I think it’s given those words power. He is angry at the moment though and I’m conscious we’re winding one another up without really intending to.

I assume it is someone at school; unfortunately it does happen (hearing things you don’t want them to, I mean.)

I think you may have confused with someone else, I’m just posting because I could really use some help and reassurance

My 5 year old also came home from school and said it to me. He learnt it from an older kid in the playground. He had no idea what it meant and when I explained what it meant to him he said ‘oh I would never hurt you mummy’. He just thought it was a funny phrase. So yes I would say it’s normal for 5 year olds at school to come out with stuff like that.