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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

117 replies

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:48

I hope this doesn’t come across as whining, I fear it will. Hit a wall today. I’m a mum to 2 kids, one of whom has severe mental health issues as a young teenager. We take one baby step forward and 4 back. Serious stuff (suicidal ideation, anorexia, the scary stuff). My life revolves around her and keeping her safe, appointments, meds. She is heavily reliant on me and is only in school on days she can manage so the week is unpredictable. I work from home for a low wage but it means I can (just about) manage the above. But finances are tight as though she gets DLA it goes on private therapies for her and I work too many hours to claim CA. Today, like many days, has been a 3 hour meltdown including screaming at me she wants to die and it literally tears my heart apart. She’s calmer now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. This week saw several school events of which she managed 2, and to see her peers and their families hurt so much. The mums looked so glossy, groomed to perfection, matching trainer colours with their sweaters, I looked like a sort of adult version of Gollum. Much talk of where the next holiday is, the stress of travelling to gymnastic competitions, the stress of the new extension, and all these happy healthy looking girls and then my horribly thin one standing trying to fit in. It was so stark. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy but how on earth do I not compare what looks like enviably easy lives when my one feels like I’m stepping back into the boxing ring every day when I don’t want to. How do you not compare and let it steal the joy (joy very sparse anyway).

OP posts:
DallazMajor · 10/05/2026 14:50

So sorry that your life is hard. It fucking sucks and although this might sound twee you sound like you’re doing an amazing job of supporting your daughter.

Do you have any support ?

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 14:51

These families will all be likely dealing with one or more of an array of issues including:

Health issues
financial difficulties
marital woes
issues with elderly parents and care
depression
stress

I could go on.

You seeing them at a school event is not even a peep hole inside their lives

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:52

DallazMajor · 10/05/2026 14:50

So sorry that your life is hard. It fucking sucks and although this might sound twee you sound like you’re doing an amazing job of supporting your daughter.

Do you have any support ?

that’s so kind, thank you. Not really. ExDH is a useful as a chocolate teapot, I am part of a support group for parents of children with similar challenges but people dip in and out depending on how bad things are
which is understandable. No family nearby so I am quite lonely I guess but all my time is really spent caring for DD and my other child and working.

OP posts:
worriedaboutmyboytoday · 10/05/2026 14:54

I don't think this saying is applicable to the situation you describe. It's more about eg being really pleased that you ran 5km without stopping, then getting caught up in thinking about someone who ran faster. Or something like that. Comparing something that has the potential to bring you joy to something else and that taking the joy away.

Parenting a very unwell teenager is not joyful. Of course it's perfectly normal to wish you and your DD were having an easier ride.

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:55

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 14:51

These families will all be likely dealing with one or more of an array of issues including:

Health issues
financial difficulties
marital woes
issues with elderly parents and care
depression
stress

I could go on.

You seeing them at a school event is not even a peep hole inside their lives

I’m sure that’s true for some, but each time I see them (and they are lovely lovely people) they just look so perfect and chat about what feels like luxury problems and I wouldn’t wish any of this list on them, it’s just their lives and their daughters and their houses are all just beautiful and look enviably easy.

OP posts:
butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:57

I think it feels heavier this week as my darling mum was just diagnosed with dementia and she has been my champion from afar so that feels very heavy along with DD care needs.

OP posts:
Thunderdcc · 10/05/2026 14:57

Comparing your family to theirs is not even apples and oranges it is more like apples and minibuses. I think it is fair to say it will not bring you joy (why does my apple have no wheels?!)

It might feel like you are going one step forward and four steps backwards but are there any specific improvements you can focus on? So a comparison of where you were vs where you are can be a positive (even if it is a very small niche detail)?

worriedaboutmyboytoday · 10/05/2026 14:58

Your situation sounds so hard, OP. As you can see by my username, my kids' teenage years have not been easy. I do sometimes think I wish one of them were a bit more straightforward, and compare my life to parents who do seem to have 'easier' children.

It's exhausting.

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:59

Thunderdcc · 10/05/2026 14:57

Comparing your family to theirs is not even apples and oranges it is more like apples and minibuses. I think it is fair to say it will not bring you joy (why does my apple have no wheels?!)

It might feel like you are going one step forward and four steps backwards but are there any specific improvements you can focus on? So a comparison of where you were vs where you are can be a positive (even if it is a very small niche detail)?

This made me smile, thank you. I do celebrate the tiny wins like a smile or being able to uncover a mirror because she feels able to look at herself without smashing it, but these moments are few and far between now.

OP posts:
Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 14:59

the upside is that your daughter was up, dressed, out the house and at a school event.

Compare with the parents you presumably know well from in patient stays who are still there… would that “help” ?

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 14:59

worriedaboutmyboytoday · 10/05/2026 14:58

Your situation sounds so hard, OP. As you can see by my username, my kids' teenage years have not been easy. I do sometimes think I wish one of them were a bit more straightforward, and compare my life to parents who do seem to have 'easier' children.

It's exhausting.

I’m so sorry 💛exhausting is the word

OP posts:
butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:02

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 14:59

the upside is that your daughter was up, dressed, out the house and at a school event.

Compare with the parents you presumably know well from in patient stays who are still there… would that “help” ?

a Little, but she wasn’t dressed (she lives in an odd boiler suit type thing that covers her “fat” so she immediately stands out among the girls wearing adanola/ gazelles/ shorts. And we had to leave early so it really didn’t feel like a win.

OP posts:
Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:19

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:02

a Little, but she wasn’t dressed (she lives in an odd boiler suit type thing that covers her “fat” so she immediately stands out among the girls wearing adanola/ gazelles/ shorts. And we had to leave early so it really didn’t feel like a win.

It was a MASSIVE win. Think back to the girls still in in patient treatment

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:19

She had made it to a school event! This are big successes

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:20

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:19

It was a MASSIVE win. Think back to the girls still in in patient treatment

She’s still an in patient, but now being treated from home

OP posts:
CloudyBayPlease · 10/05/2026 15:24

But it is the thief of joy to compare yourself to others who are not struggling. I think it’s also impossible not to. Life is not fair.

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:26

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:20

She’s still an in patient, but now being treated from home

So how tremendous she was brave enough to leave home and go on school premises!

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:28

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:26

So how tremendous she was brave enough to leave home and go on school premises!

She is very brave, any day she feels up to it she tries to go in for some of the day. Some weeks it’s not at all, some weeks it’s even 2 or 3 half days.

OP posts:
Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 15:30

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:28

She is very brave, any day she feels up to it she tries to go in for some of the day. Some weeks it’s not at all, some weeks it’s even 2 or 3 half days.

This is so positive.

Savvysix1984 · 10/05/2026 15:34

Your situation sounds extremely challenging and you’re fire fighting every day. I hope that it doesn’t always have to be that way.

everyone faces challenging in life, some more than others and some for longer than others. It’s hard not to compare to the here and now. The thing is you just don’t know what’s round the corner. Recently my friends husband dropped dead at 49 of a blood clot and a boy in the neighbourhood was knocking down and killed by a motorbike last week. Very sudden and traumatic events that couldn’t be predicted.

take the small tiny wins when you can and hold your head up high that you’re a great mum who is fighting for her daughter. Maybe the upshot in years to come will be both of you having an unbreakable bond due to the hardships you’ve faced.

BeardySchnauzer · 10/05/2026 15:34

I understand what you mean. My DS had a breakdown and has pretty much been in his bedroom for 3 years. Seeing his classmates all go off to uni and the parents talking about their pride etc etc was so painful I pretty much have cut myself off from everyone. My heart breaks every day for him and every step forward is normally followed by two back. It’s the hope they kill you as they say but I try to put my energy into being positive and supportive but it is hard.

butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:37

Savvysix1984 · 10/05/2026 15:34

Your situation sounds extremely challenging and you’re fire fighting every day. I hope that it doesn’t always have to be that way.

everyone faces challenging in life, some more than others and some for longer than others. It’s hard not to compare to the here and now. The thing is you just don’t know what’s round the corner. Recently my friends husband dropped dead at 49 of a blood clot and a boy in the neighbourhood was knocking down and killed by a motorbike last week. Very sudden and traumatic events that couldn’t be predicted.

take the small tiny wins when you can and hold your head up high that you’re a great mum who is fighting for her daughter. Maybe the upshot in years to come will be both of you having an unbreakable bond due to the hardships you’ve faced.

that’s so sad about your friend’s husband and the boy who was killed. Thank you for your kind message.

OP posts:
butteredbread1 · 10/05/2026 15:38

BeardySchnauzer · 10/05/2026 15:34

I understand what you mean. My DS had a breakdown and has pretty much been in his bedroom for 3 years. Seeing his classmates all go off to uni and the parents talking about their pride etc etc was so painful I pretty much have cut myself off from everyone. My heart breaks every day for him and every step forward is normally followed by two back. It’s the hope they kill you as they say but I try to put my energy into being positive and supportive but it is hard.

I’m so sorry, sending you a huge hug and this massively resonates with me

OP posts:
CharityShopMensGlasses · 10/05/2026 15:39

are you me? I literally couls have written this about my eldest. We also have the chocolate teapot in our lives.
Im so sorry to hear you're going through this too.
There will be brighter days for us all but its so bloody rough! Living with the sword hanging over your head of them deteriorating/ stopping eating and drinking/ hurting you etc.
Its really bloody unfun.

cannynotsay · 10/05/2026 15:40

What an amazing mum you are.

you’re allowed to feel them feels it’s ok x