To be irritated and think f*** it

[Anxiousbettytoday]

Morning,

Welcome any views in case I am being unfair

Context is that my elderly mother suffers from anxiety, my brother lives with her in her home and has done for the last few years since his marriage broke down.

He asked me to come and stay for the last bank holiday weekend just gone so he could go out as my mother is suffering badly from anxiety and doesn't like being on her own, she doesn't want to take meds and is not keen on therapy so limited what options GP can suggest.

I've got my own health issues at the monnet but am keeping them quiet so as not to cause her any more anxiety . This might be making me a bit twitchy

Spent weekend there with her, bought food for us all and cooked , context is that she doesn't est much and thinks I suspect my brother and I eat too much! . So I know from past experience that there will be limited food there and I don't want to eat takeaways like my brother normally would.

So after 4 days of me cleaning and cooking, the only thing my mother seems fixated on is that it stresses her that I bring too much food and she finds it gives her anxiety

I'm just irritated beyond words, food was eaten, I cooked, and it wasn't mountains , just enough for 3 adults for 4 days

Am I being too harsh ?

Your mother is unwell - it’s difficult but try not to take it personally.

Anxiety isn’t logical or rational.

When you say elderly OP how old is she is?

It must be extremely difficult for your brother living with her.

You are entitled to feel irritated OP but it depends on how you handle your irritation.

Hi, she is early 80s

She's ill... you know she is ill... she is not getting help... you knew this would trigger her. So yes, IMO, you are being too harsh.

She is mentally ill not sure you can do anything to change this if she won’t get help or medication. I would just ignore her behaviour. It makes you wonder what she is eating when you’re not there.

Is there a back story. Has your mum been funny about food when you were younger? Is it she's worried about money or is she always been controlling about others weights.

People with anxiety are a pain to be around, because it's irrational and you can see it's irrational, but they can't. How does your brother cope day to day

I understand Age UK has an advice helpline.
Perhaps if you phoned them they might be able to give some helpful and supportive advice?

Day to day she self medicates with alcohol, some issues around food, ie will watch what everyone eats and comment and is rigidly controlled about her own weight.
I do love her, but the loud crying about too much food etc etc when I had gone to alot of trouble to make a small roast on the Sunday was hard to take

Imagine how difficult it must be for your brother...

If you know she has issues about food, cooking a Sunday roast probably wasn’t the smartest idea.

Probably not as hard as it is to experience it.

Tricky, I will go again for the weekend in 2 weeks so my brother can go out, if I take no food, I will have to do what he does, get a McDonald's etc and eat in car!

Or just take enough food for you and your brother if he wants it? There are options between what you did and eating a McDonald’s in the car 🥴
I feel very sorry for him, this must be difficult to live with. Does he want to move out?

I suspect you have no choice but to take the "fuck it" approach. You have to eat, after all, and it doesn't sound as if there is much you can do that would ameliorate this. I take it you've tried jollying her along, and pointing out that it clearly isn't too much food as it is getting eaten, and that if she is worried about leftovers you will take them away with you?

Is it worth talking to her doctor? Maybe at this stage some tranquillisers or something similar to help her avoid getting distressed around food wouldn't do any harm?

Why would you have to do that?

By 'day to day she self medicates with alcohol' do you actually mean she's an alcoholic? Because if so none of this is surprising, and you are both somewhat in denial and may not be trying to get her the help she needs.
None of this sounds easy but her behaviour isn't likely to change as long as she's 'self medicating' her anxiety.

Financially he can't afford to, for now.

Genuinely I didn't bring much food for the weekend , so if I bought enough for me and my brother that would set my mum off again.

I know it's the anxiety but it still irritates me and then I'm irritated with myself for being a cow

Do you think if you do this, then your Mum may be anxious about something else?

You shouldn't have to eat a limited diet yourself because of another person's untreated anxiety. However much you love them.

Self medicating with alcohol? Her anxiety may be genuine, she may well be suffering, but she is also controlling, possibly alcoholic, and your brother is enabling this by going along with her refusal to seek treatment.
I can't imagine anything will change at her age, but if you are going to regularly step in at weekends, you should be able to eat what you want. If she doesn't want it she doesn't have to eat it. Don't react to her nasty comments about what you are eating.

No, she isn't an alcoholic , but will have a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings usually or a drink when she is anxious about something

Can you just take food for you and eat normally and tell her to choose her anxiety, you eating normal food or her being at home alone. She can't have both.

Yeah that's not how anxiety works...

Is she able to control her alcohol intake or easily stop for a couple of days?

Time to call in adult services imo.