Friend called me fat - can’t stop thinking about it

[Confusedmind96]

Hi

im going to try and make this as concise as possible and for it to make sense, just feeling a bit down though and wondered if anyone had any advice

I’ve always been fine with my body- I’ve never had any issues, tbh I played a lot of sports and had a fast metabolism which runs in my family and I’ve never had any concerns about my weight. I thought I’d stayed a fairly similar weight but I’ve definitely filled out a bit more in certain areas as im in my mid 20s now but I’ve been fine with it

But recently one of my friends made a joke and called me fat. He said it in a banter sort of way and I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful, but he made a joke that I had gained lots of weight and was heavy/chunky.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body the same way

the thing is, i KNOW im not fat. I can tell from the number on the scales and from looking in the mirror. I’m not posting on here for people to say ‘omg hun you’re soo skinny!’ and fishing for compliments because I know I’m not fat, but it’s like when I look in the mirror it’s as if I see something completely different now.

i went into river island the other day to try on a dress because I have an event soon and basically burst into tears in the changing room because all I could find was issues with my body- I’ve got cellulite on my legs, my arms are bigger than they used to be and I’ve got a fat roll between my arm and chest (like a fold of skin at my armpit when I hold my arm by my side)

it was awful, I tried on a dress which I loved but I was so upset I couldn’t even focus and just wanted to get out asap because I couldn’t stomach even looking at myself in the mirror

i took some photos at the time, and the weird thing is from looking at them I KNOW im not fat, im not trying to pretend I am, but its like when I look in the mirror my brain sees something totally different. When I look objectively at the picture I know I’m not fat, but then when I look at myself all I see is my issues and it’s like something has totally clicked in my brain after the joke my friend made

I tried to speak to my friends for advice but they rolled their eyes and did the whole ‘don’t pretend you’re fat for attention or compliments’ thing. I tried so hard to explain I know im not fat and im not trying to pretend to be so they can tell me how skinny i am, but it’s like when i look in the mirror i see a totally different person and all i can see is problems now and it genuinely feels like my brain has been warped

just wondered if anyone had any advice or tips or had experienced similar? I’m so self conscious now in everything I wear and every meal I eat now and it’s just so exhausting always worrying about my body x

Your friend is a cunt.

This!

Ditch the prick who made you feel this way by commenting on your appearance.

I wonder why you are giving so much headspace to what some dickhead bloke said?

Is he someone you secretly fancy? I know you said 'friend' but 'tactless twat' sounds more like it and I genuinely can't see why it has bothered you so much. You repeatedly say you know you aren't fat, that your weight is pretty stable, that other friends think you are fishing for compliments.

I think you need to put this into perspective and realise that one person's throw away remark should not be enough to damage your own self image and self worth.

it honestly felt like something in my brain clicked in that moment and ever since then I haven’t been able to look at my body that arsehole of an ex-friend the same way

Fixed it for you.

Can't help wondering if he was trying to neg you, but either way his opinion is invalid. Btw folds of skin between arm and chest are essential - if we didn't have them we'd be unable to raise our arms.

Well he isn’t your friend is he. Even if you were fat which you aren’t, a friend would not say that to you.

Sounds like he was putting you in your place and purposely trying to knock your confidence and it worked didn’t it.

Anyone would feel the same if a ‘friend’ said that. Remember it’s not true, remember how you felt about yourself before he said it.

What a wanker he sounds

Not your friend. A low self esteem person who wanted to put you in your place. I’d lose the weight of that friendship.
You have got into a negative mindset to try and counteract it try doing some positive affirmations around loving and being proud of yourself

Please be careful and kind to yourself. This person is not a friend and this comment has really harmed you. Whatever you can do to bolster your mental health is really important. This may sound very dramatic but perhaps consider therapy to try and nip this in the bud because the way that you are thinking about your body is alarming xxx

Honestly, I have no idea why it’s taken up so much space in my head 😳 I’ve taken jokes against myself as banter and nothing has ever, ever affected me like this. Honestly when he said it it felt like a shiver went down my spine and something immediately changed in my brain. I don’t know why it made such an impact on me when nothing else ever has but the comment really did something to me

nah I definition don’t fancy him he’s just a mate (long term group of friends from back in the school days!) x

Ghost him, he's no friend, frankly he's an abusive arse, wipe him out if your life, how dare he! I feel really angry on your behalf, what an evil thing to say to you. "kick him to the kerb" as they say, he doesn't deserve your friendship, he has a nasty agenda and he's a bully.

He’s not your friend. It’s not banter. He’s a prick. Tell him to take his tiny dick and crawl back under the rock he came from.

You cannot give this any headspace. Look up some anti-diet culture things so you don’t feel like you need to start doing something drastic. You also need to appreciate your body. You don’t have to like your body but you’re not allowed to talk shit about it. Would you say to a friend they have cellulite? Of course not, so you don’t say it to yourself either. Time to be your own friend. It takes a lot of practice to be a friend to yourself but anyone time you start talking shit about yourself, catch it and stop it.

I have fat. (I am fat is loaded with judgement that has nothing to do with healthy body composition or attractiveness: it is a negative and loaded self belief).

How you feel about your body doesn’t need to be correlated to the amount of fat your body holds.

This idiot said something to you which you have allowed into your head: why? Why is what he says more important than anyone else?

I know you can’t control your immediate reaction but it does seem to have affected you quite badly over just one comment. Try not to spiral and focus on more positive things.

He was negging you. It’s what men do to try and make women feel inadequate.

Shop changing rooms are always deeply unflattering too. If I owned a shop I would Havel lighting that soothed and flattered my customers so they would feel amazing.

But please don’t obsess about your appearance. Keep strong and fit. I bet you look amazing.

This is the crux of it. You have to work out why his words have had such an impact (counselling?)

Nobody can work it out for you and if you're slim people ARE going to think you're fishing for compliments

Get to the bottom of why and it'll go away

This with fucking bells on

I wasn’t actually going to post the pictures from when I was in river island but what the hell. It will show how utterly ridiculous im being

the thing is, if I think about it objectively and look at the pictures as if it’s someone else, I think they look fine. But when I know it’s me in the pictures all I can think about is my broad shoulders, or how my arm has gained weight, or how I look chunky even though logically I KNOW I don’t

I KNOW I don’t look fat and I KNOW im not fat, that’s the confusing thing, I know I’m not, but when I look in the mirror I genuinely feel like im seeing a different thing from these objective photos, it honestly feels like my brain is playing tricks on me or as if my eyes are making me see myself different to how I actually am - what is in these pictures is NOT what my brain sees when I look in the mirror now

the only example I can describe it is I KNOW I have blonde hair, so if my brain randomly started trying to convince me I had black hair I would be like eh no I don’t, and if I looked at photos of me with blonde hair and my brain was still like see you have BLACK hair over and over again even though im looking at the blonde hair, it’s like it’s playing tricks on me

I know that sounds totally ridiculous but it’s honestly the best way I can describe it, like when I was in the fitting room looking in the mirror it was as if I was seeing something completely different and my brain was playing tricks on me x

ive tried so hard to think of the bigger reason its had such an impact but honestly i cant think of anything, i genuinely have never given my weight a thought (even as a teenager, i was always totally fine and didnt care about stuff like that) - although maybe that in itself is the root cause because ive never thought about it until now, ah it’s all so confusing but I’m so annoyed at him for it because a simple joke to him has completely changed me over these last few months

yeah that’s the other thing, it feels so lonely because you can’t talk about it or people will think you’re being ridiculous or compliment fishing, I’ve honestly never felt so miserable and alone with it all over these last few months x

ah thanks for all the advice, yeah I agree I need to find why it’s affected me so much but I’ve been racking my brains and cannot find a reason, it’s bizarre because I’ve never taken anything to heart ever before in my life!

I also had never heard of negging before and had to google it! It’s crazy how one throw away joke can actually have such a big impact on someone

Ummmm what?! You’re so incredibly slim?! I can understand why your friends think you’re fishing for compliments tbh - you look great?! Your guy friend is a twat. Distance yourself for him - has he reason to put your down for no reason?

Darling, you are so thin. And gorgeous. I was never that slim, even at your age, but I was a size 12 and thought I was too fat.

I'm now a size 22 and couldn't care less. I'm over 60 and DH still finds me attractive. I wish I hadn't wasted my youth thinking I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough, because I was.

You look fabulous, so ignore the dumb bloke you went to school with. And you are worth so much more than what you look like. It is genuinely always the least interesting thing about someone.

Massive massive cunt. Ditch him @Confusedmind96 Who needs enemies when you have friends like that. Sounds daft but my therapist asked me me to write a list of all the things I like about my body and it helped me look at myself a bit more objectively. All the people who have made me feel shit about my body have been men. I bet he fancies you and is trying to do all the fucking negging bullshit. Makes me so fucking angry.

I'm glad you posted, and put up those pictures, so now we cam all tell you that you're very slim and your so-called friend was trying to fuck with your head.
Don't let him.

I don’t really have any advice, other than what’s been mentioned already - I can only echo what PP have said. That “friend” is definitely not a person you need around, and from your pictures you look awesome and the dress is beautiful on you, so please ignore whatever that twat of a “friend” said. Be kind to yourself. Stop all of the negative self talk. You look great and you have to keep telling yourself that until you believe it again!!!

Honestly though I know this probably makes me sound crazy but when I look in the mirror I see something completely different, you know when you go to the funfair and they have those wonky mirrors, that’s literally what I see everytime I look in the mirror and logically I know it’s not right, but it’s like my brain is seeing something completely different

i actually think that’s what I’m more freaked out about and not my weight because i never used to have that before he made that joke

i genuinely started wondering if my eyes were going funny so I went and got an eye test but they’re fine it just seems to be my brain that’s the issue! X