DH's opinion of my work

[Workaholicwifey88]

Dh is yet again on a rant about how I work too much

We have very different jobs and I guess very different attitudes to work. Similar salaries

I wfh 3 days a week, office 2 days in a busy, mid managerial role. Very full on role but boss is really flexible and is conformable that I work hours around school runs etc. Knows that if needed I will stay late to finish stuff (not often) but flexibility goes both ways as if I need to go to school for an event (eg Christmas show or a stay and play session etc) doesn't make me take leave as i've made the time up elsewhere.

On a Wednesday we have swimming lessons for both children so i log off about an early to get them ready, get to the pool and then log back on from pool while watching

Dh works in an office role as well, works a 35 hours week (so 5 hours less than me) and generally does 6-1 every day. Also has to work occasionally night shifts and does an on-call week every 4 weeks so can be contacted 24/7 all week which means we cannot make any plans during this week.
If he works a minute over his time he will try and claim over time. Had to go in the office 5 days a week and less flexibility around being around for school events etc

Dh has gone off on one tonight at me as because we were at swimming and I dared to work past 545 while the kids lessons were on, I am doing too much, not wanting to spend time with family and ignoring him. Tried to explain about the flexibility and that I was in a flow on something and been told that he thinks my work is a cult and I am enslaved to them and care about more about my job than him

But this is coming from him when he often has to change plans and go on nights for 7 days straight meaning the flexibility I have is even more important

Not sure what I am looking for here, just needed to vent I think!

Your flexibility benefits the family. He sounds like a bully. Is he a bully? Does he share the load. Men are more than happy you share the finances but some want a wife who is totally available. He sounds awful. Don't tolerate it. Its a slippy slope. He is NOT your father. Push back hard.

He sounds incredibly immature, he really complained you were ignoring him whilst watching your children at their swimming lessons.

Exactly this. It also sounds like your job enjoyment pisses him off too. I bet he doesn’t get ‘flow’ at work and doesn’t understand what you mean.

The flexibility offered to you sounds great, and it obviously benefits the whole family but I do wonder about blurred boundaries between home and work. I think I would find it frustrating if my partner worked like that. If he was able to attend swimming too then why not stay at home to dedicate that time to work. I think a situation like that could easily become a where you always have one eye on work.

That said, the stuff he said about being enslaved and it being a cult makes him sound childish.

I'm confused. Why are you leaving work to take the kids swimming when DH finishes work at 1pm most of the time. Why can't he take them on his own sometimes. Are you having quality family time with both of you sitting by the pool??

He is being unreasonable. Getting to attend your children’s school events and swimming in return for you logging on, presumably while they are in the pool and you don’t need to interact with them anyway, doesn’t seem unreasonable.

If you got a different job with typical 9-5:30 hours and without the expected extra hours but also without the flexibility, you wouldn’t be available for the swimming lessons at all.

He needs to realise this.

9-5 (or 6-1) jobs and shift work tend to be quite junior roles.

Mid to senior managerial roles are more flexible but also require occasional commitment outside of work hours because managers are paid to get the job done and solve problems and crises whenever they arise. They are expected to manage their own workload.

OP, who earns more? Could he be jealous of you?

Anyone who wants to work fixed hours at my place of work is not likely to progress fast.

Why were you there and using your boss’s flexibility if he was available to take them and was there too?

DH is U and hypocritical.

DHS work can be a bit like this. As much as I appreciate that it’s a lot more flexible than mine, sometimes it does infiltrate life. For example, he wfh two days a week, he’ll appear to have finished for the day then suddenly vanish into the (home) office. I get that in his mind it’s probably just like yours but I never feel I know where work ends and home begins. It’s much easier when he’s in the (work) office or visiting clients tbh.

Why do you need to leave work early if he finishes at 1? Surely he can take the kids by himself, he doesn't need you there.

If you're choosing to be there, and as a result you have to work in the evening instead of spending time with him, I can kinda see his point tbh.

I would be telling him how you work benefits the family. But you are happy to stop the flexibility and work your hours during the day. That means whilst he is working 6-1 he will have to do school pick ups. And kids will have to go into breakfast club which he can pay for, along with after school clubs on the days he has to work nights

So I do like going to the swimming lessons which is why we both go

Sometimes DH can't go (due there being a local football game on that he has a season ticket for so I have to do swimming alone then) and I have no issue working from the poolside usually treating myself to a hot chocolate at the same time

Dh is usually sat glued to his phone anyway so i'm really struggling to see what the difference is

I try very hard to shut the laptop down of an a normal evening and be finished for the day. But if I am out of space I have set aside to wfh 1 minute after 5pm I will be told off for working late or taken the mickey out of for not coming out a few minutes early etc

Dh does cook dinner on the days I wfh as he finishes early. He has a habit of making it ready for literally 5.05 so if I am running late or caught on a call (rare but happens) I will never hear the end of it about how I am sabotaging family time for work

He’s being totally unrealistic and disrespectful. I would not put up with his attitude, he sounds like a complete twat. Tell him you’ll stop working and he can pay all the bills! Immature I know but if you let him away with this can you imagine how much of a moan he’ll be in ten years time.

He sounds unbearable, resenting your commitment to work ( but happily blowing off family time to go to footie FFS) and deliberately creating conflict between work and family instead of appeciating your rare and valuable work flexibility - which actually supports you as a family.

5:05 is ridiculous for dinner. I have a 6 and 2 year old and still make it for 6pm because it’s more bearable to eat together at that time!

I am going to hazard a guess that you earn more than he does. He is jealous, plain and simple. Tell him that you’ll no longer take advantage of your flexibility so you can log on while the kids are swimming, so he can forget about his football games and he’ll have to do all of the swimming.

So I do like going to the swimming lessons which is why we both go

Cheeky as fuck to be using work flexi hours
to “work” in this scenario.

You say you like going to swimming lessons but if you are logging on and working then you aren’t actually watching your child swim, you are working, it would be easier for you to only do swimming lessons when dh is busy.

i suppose it is annoying when work life encroaches on family time but your dhis going about it the wrong way.

ypur work allows you the flexibility to pick the children up, take them swimming etc so obviously you need to make the time back.

my friends dh always moaned that her job took over all their family time, they are no longer together .

He sounds bossy and controlling tbh.

Everything has to be his way.

Is he jealous that you enjoy your job?

Why go to swimming when you are working while they swim? You waste a lot of time and then you’re still working while they are sitting looking at dinner get cold.

I don’t think this is about work or attitude towards work, I think this is about boundaries and priorities.

I was like you and my children now say they can only remember me being on my blackberry doing work during every family holiday, event, play, lesson their entire childhoods. I dispute this as I have clear memories of not always working and being present with them. But the point is, I was working often enough that this is their enduring memory that sticks.

So for dinner, even if you get to the table at 5:05 and are there 3 out of 5 days, they will only remember the 2 in 5 you didn’t make it and that then takes over all their memories.

It is easier on family when you are not working while right there with them in the middle of swimming or tapping away nearby while they are eating dinner.

They naturally will feel that work is a higher priority than them. Your DH is guilty of this too, sorry to mostly talk to you, but he is just as bad in his own way.

His complaints might be how you can both change when and where you get your work done and ensure when you are with each other or the children, you are with each other and not just sharing space like strangers on a bus.

If my husband ranted at me like that and resented me just earning a living i would want to ignore him and not spend time with him. His attitude is not exactly encouraging you to do otherwise just bully you into it.

Isn’t the problem just that your husband sounds like a complete bellend?

Is he jealous OP? Of your job/role?