AIBU to rethink my relationship over partners behaviour and comments?

[Whatthefork1]

I don’t really know how to begin this, but I feel like I’m at breaking point in my relationship with my partner. We have been together 12 years, we have two pre school children together, the youngest is 21 months.

He claims that I take everything out on him. Unless I’m smiling and full of joy when he gets home, he takes it very personal and says that I’m snapping at him. Life can be stressful and hard going when you have two young children and some days are utter chaos. I can’t be happy all the time, but I feel like I almost have to fake it.

Whenever I try and talk to him about things, it always turns into an argument because he can never see things from my perspective. He then looses it and starts being really nasty to me, calling me all sorts and will even say he hates me. He’s so emotionally immature.

He is a great provider for the family, but that is pretty much where it ends. I do all the cooking, cleaning, general care of the children, life admin, nursery drop offs and pick ups, organising everything for the children and us, getting up in the night with our toddler, assisting him with the book keeping and admin for his business and I also work 3 days a week in my own job.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and struggle to keep on top of everything and yes I do snap at him on occasion and take it out on him, I know I shouldn’t and I always apologise and tell him he shouldn’t take it personally, I’m just having a hard day.

He claims that I don’t do enough. He said to me last night- what do I bring to the table?! I was utterly gobsmacked and felt so hurt that he clearly can’t see what I do for our family. I feel like he expects me to be Wonder Woman all the time, but I can’t be and I struggle mentally with it all.

What’s really bought me here for advice is his latest comment which has completely changed the way I see him. He said that if our son ends up being gay then he will disown him (our son is 21 months old), I was devastated that he would even think such a thing. He can’t understand why I’m so upset by the comment and states that “it hasn’t even happened yet so there’s no point getting upset”, he can’t see that even saying such a thing says a huge amount about him as a person and as a father.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to break up my family, I can’t imagine doing that to my children. I come from a broken home and it’s horrible. I also don’t know what I would do financially. But I also don’t see how I can carry on like this anymore, he is wearing me down. I keep hoping things will get better, but he can’t ever admit fault or see things from my perspective.

Is this the first time he’s expressed these opinions ?

I don't think things are going to get better, he's not going to change.
Think about how you want to model relationships to your children, for their futures

A combination of "what do you bring to the table" and comments about gay would be the end of the relationship for me. He is a fully paid up member of the manosphere and I think he should fully experience the male loneliness epidemic.

Same. He sounds like he is 12yrs old.

No It isn’t but I’ve brushed it off in the past and I’ve always said to him, he can believe and think what he likes but he is not to make those opinions known to our children push them onto them whatsoever and also I am probably naive in not thinking this opinions were so extreme. The recent comment has of course changed that.

Show him exactly what you bring to the table by stopping. Can you get a break for a few days with friends or family maybe?

I would end the relationship. I understand your fear over breaking up your family, but what a horrible environment to bring children up in, where their mother is belittled by a man who is clearly homophobic and will pass these views on to his kids. You all deserve much better.

Sorry am I missing something? He can believe and think what he likes? Really? As long as he doesn’t tell the children? So he can be racist too can he and that would be fine? Who would want to stay with a bigot? I really don’t understand it.

So you knew he was homophobic? He sounds like a nasty man and I doubt he'll change, this is who he is. The question is, are you willing to keep putting up with his horrible behaviour, or not? If I were you, I'd look into childcare for your little one and start looking for full time work and planning a life on your own. Stop helping with his business, doing his laundry and cooking his food - tell him this is what bringing nothing to the table looks like. And then tell him you're still working, taking care of your children and cleaning/maintaining your house so you're bringing plenty. What an arsehole. You'll be much better off without him 💐

Men who are homophobic are often actually struggling with their feelings about the same sex. He doth protest too much. Not that I am excusing him in any way, he sounds like an ocean-going wanker.

Sounds like he’s the one bringing nothing to the table. The combination of picking fights with you when you’re not all sweetness and light, mentioning the table trope, and being homophobic all screams manosphere. He’s a lazy misogynistic pig and you should leave him sooner rather than later. You’ll regret the time you waste on him.

I think before doing anything rash I’d go back to work full time and tell him all chores etc have to be split strictly down the middle ( get a cleaner maybe to help out) It will give you more security moving forward and shut him up about housework then decide what you want and work towards it.

What a vile and hateful man.

I couldn’t live with such a nasty little shit.

It would be unreasonable NOT to rethink (as in, seriously consider ending) a relationship based on what you've written here.

Whenever I try and talk to him about things, it always turns into an argument because he can never see things from my perspective. Every relationship needs honest two-way communication, often as a first step to genuine compromise. There may be times someone's too angry and needs to cool off, but that just means the conversation happens a little later.

He then looses it and starts being really nasty to me, calling me all sorts and will even say he hates me. Once a partner crosses over into abuse (including verbal/emotional abuse, which is what this sounds like), counselling - which otherwise might really have helped to get functional communication back in place - isn't usually an option. If he is acting this way because he can't help himself than he probably needs one on one therapy. If he can't admit that he needs to change or if he is acting this way intentionally then unfortunately the relationship has probably run its course.

It sounds like you're consistently doing more than a fair proportion of the parenting, childcare, and shared household tasks that are EQUALLY his responsibility. As he works longer hours than you do/has more responsibilities outside of the household it makes sense that you do more, but he still pulls his weight - overall, you'd each have roughly the same amount of "free time". Ideally you'd discuss who does what so you each understand what the other is doing, then use what you both learned to redistribute the work more fairly - but if this prince won't talk to you without throwing a fit, that's out.

The comment about your son and the insistence on minimising what he said and pressuring you to think it's normal seems part of the pattern: he's right, you're wrong and must be shouted down if you disagree with him. He's also effectively put you on notice: whether the two of you are together or apart, don't count on him to take care of his own children; he feels no innate or ethical sense of responsibility as a father and his own feelings, whims, and prejudices probably come first. I'm sorry, but just based on what you've written here it seems pretty hopeless. Do you have support to consider leaving/start planning to leave?

If you do his books then you know how much money he makes. Keep copies of these records and then when you split he can't hide assets. Then you can work more hours once the kids are in school and he'll have to give you money.

You'd be much better off without him.

It is a massive fear, my children are everything to me and I’ve no idea how I would explain things to them (my eldest is nearly 5) . I don’t want to be the person who broke their family up. Sometimes it is easier for me to just shut up and put up, for their sake, but I am loosing myself in the process. We don’t ever argue in front of the children. I’m at a complete loss. I love him, but I sometimes wonder if I love the person I hope he could be.

I have suggested couples counselling to him, but he point blank refuses and says he doesn’t need it, but in fact he absolutely does need counselling, one on one. He had a very toxic childhood, his mum is a complete narcissist and his parents would fight (verbally and physically a lot).

I do have support, but not close by. My family (parents and sister) live 4 hours away, I don’t have anyone else close by that I could go to. I’m scared of how lonely I would be.

Ive been in similar situation. I didnt get the name calling though. I was left to do the "womans work" and he worked. I worked part time and was entitled to a little bit of tax credits (this was 19 years ago). He'd work overtime so my tax credits would get effected 🤬 i paid council tax which was then about 130 a month. I was was getting about 400/500 a month including the tax credits. I ran my car on that. Fed us all too. I ended up dipping into my savings regularly so we had food. Moaned to the ex about it and he said he cpukdnt even put a fiver away. Considering he was bring home over a thousand a month 🫣😂 he wouldnt buy anything for the kids as thats what child benefit and the tax credits were for 😒 i got to the point I hated him so much! We parted. So I took over the mortgage. Lying piece of shit was over paying the mortgage by 85 a month. Theres nearly 5 grand in the account linked to our mortgage. He only went to try and clear it out when he left. He couldn't 😂 then sent me a letter hoping id sign. Like fook! Only doing that when theres 2 checks. One for our son and another for our daughter.

Living like that was utterly miserable. So i fully understand how you feel. If youve brought it up to him and he doesnt change then you have 2 options. Carry on or leave. I carried on for a while hoping he'd change. He bought our son some shoes after being nagged. Said he get his shoes from then on. Surprise surprise it didnt last! I left. I dont regret leaving. My problem was I was too trusting and always made sure everyone else was happy even if it meant I was unhappy. I did the whole old tradition wife shit. He worked nights and he'd wake to a cooked meal every night. Lunch packed for work. The one time I needed him. He carried on and went to work 2 hours after I miscarried. Took nearly 24 hours before i fully lost baby. We only had to drive an hour away to see his parents when I started bleeding the day before 🙄 he knew I was losing our baby but didnt ring work to ask for even one night off.

Some of the things hes saying is way out of order! Dare I say it i don't think he'll ever change that mind set. I personally think you'd be better off and happier without him

Even ignoring the nasty homophobic stuff and his awful comments to you, I don’t see how a decent person can watch another person run around exhausted doing everything, whilst they sit there doing nothing.

OP it is terrifying but you can leave. Don’t sit there on your son’s 21st birthday thinking why did I not get out then.

Don't fall into the trap of excusing his behaviour by his childhood experiences. We've all had trauma in our lives to various degrees. I personally witnessed my father trying to kill my mother when I was 4 years old but I don't go around treating my partners like crap because of it. My behaviour is 100% my responsibility.

You say you don't want to break up the family because you come from a broken household but there is nothing more broken than for your kids to grow up in this toxic environment and witness complete lack of respect towards their mother as well as strong propensity to maintain rigid gender roles. Whether or not you think your kids see that, they do and it will inform their future relationships.

Your partner doesn't see your point of view because he does not consider you an equal human being. It's as simple as that. So while it is tempting to see his views don't matter as long as he keeps them to himself (and I used to think the same way with my ex), they do matter because they inform how he behaves towards you and his children.

I can guess the answer to this, but how many nights or days has he looked after the toddler alone?

Never over night, I’ve not stayed anywhere over night on my own since my daughter was born which was nearly 5 years ago.
A whole day alone with them, I could count on one hand and that’s only ever if I have something planned to attend.

OP, you are the main character in your own life, you are not a supporting actor to this ego maniac.

Fuck his noise and fuck him if he doesn't want to work with you to be a better partner. You deserve better.

You're talking about making yourself small and swallowing down your own life 'for the kids' but it's not beneficial for them.

I hope you chose to make a positive change before his oppressive, controlling, damaging behaviour permanently affects your beautiful kids and they think that's what love looks like.

What do you bring to the table?

OP you are the table.

Just to be really clear here, its not you breaking up the family, its your abusive and homophobic partner.

The right thing to do for your children & yourself is to leave him. Don’t even worry about being lonely because that will feel a million times better than being abused on a daily basis.

please do not stay with this man and run the risk of your son being abused - thrown out or verbally abused or whatever, you would potentially lose your son if he found out you went along with it.

You can have a life where you are genuinely happy & not having to fake it to try and stop yourself being abused