Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

[TornIn2WorkThenChild]

Hi all, I am posting here for traffic and name changed as details are outing.

I really need some straight-talking advice as I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do for the best.

I work part-time (15 hours a week) in an early years setting. My teenage daughter has just had surgery on both knees and her recovery has been far more complicated than we were told. She currently has very limited mobility and needs help with basic things like getting up and getting to the toilet. At the moment, I’m the only person she will allow to help her.

Since September I’ve had a mix of dependent leave and sickness (including 2 weeks signed off after my own surgery). My employer has now refused any temporary flexibility and expects me to attend work as normal, come home on my lunch break to help my daughter, then go back again.

I just don’t see how that’s realistic or safe. I’m really worried about leaving her alone for long periods in her current condition, but equally I feel like I can’t refuse to go in without risking my job.

They’ve said my level of absence is the reason for refusing any adjustments.

I’ve asked for everything in writing and will be speaking to my union, but I’d really appreciate some honest opinions:

– Am I being unreasonable thinking this isn’t workable?
– Is what my employer is asking actually reasonable?
– Where do I stand legally with dependent leave in a situation like this?
– What would you do in my position?

Please be honest—I could really do with some outside perspective as I feel completely torn between my job and my daughter right now.

If you've exhausted all your entitlement to dependent and sick leave, and have no paid holidays to use, you can ask for unpaid leave but I'm guessing that won't be granted given your job. I don't know how many other options you have, but it doesn't sound like the employer is in the wrong here. They have ratios to comply with, employees they can rely on to continue operating. What do you really expect them to do?

15 hours a week? I'm assuming as you say lunchbreak, that's two days of 7.5 plus lunch, which means she's only by herself for just over 4 hours at a time.

It could be your worry preventing it more than it being impossible/unsafe.

I think you need to spell it out to your daughter how serious the situation now is. It sounds like you have other people who maybe could help but your daughter doesn't want that. You're going to lose your job if you're not able to attend work.

Spread your 14hrs over 5 days. What flexibility have you asked for?

@TornIn2WorkThenChild you have rights. What exactly do you want from your employer? So we can understand what that would look like

When you say you are the only person your daughter will allow to help her is there someone else at home?

if so I’d be telling her that she needs to accept help from her dad/siblings/whatever

I’m afraid your employer is in the right here. I’ve just been reading our staff absence policy and we would only get up to 3 days carer dependence which is to make other arrangements for care. It sounds as though your absence is already quite high hence why they are refusing it. I work for the council and after 10 days of absence we would be on a stage 1 absence plan this then moves to stage 2 after any further absences in a set period of time. This includes for surgery, illness and I’m pretty sure any planned authorised leave such as attending a wedding or funeral would be counted too.

Tell your daughter to accept help from other people.

How much leave have you had since September?

Your daughter is a teenager, she will be fine for 4-5 hours a time.

Also I’m afraid you can’t just refuse to go in. You have a contract of employment and they are within their rights to expect you to work given that you have already had a significant amount of time off already.
sorry I know this not what you wanted to hear.

How old is your daughter 13, 19,16? Can she definitely not do more herself? Can she really not put up with another relative helping her in some way?

Is it feasible to go home in your lunch hour? If so that sounds fine, surely she'll be fine for 3/4 hours a couple of times a week? Assuming you only work 2 days a week? If it is spread out over more days I really can't see what the problem is.

You appear to be asking an awful lot of your employer and colleagues. Will they consider un-paid leave?

Has this been going on since September? If so, then you probably have used all your dependents leave. And flexible hours or wfh aren't really practical for an early years setting (I'm guessing you do 2 full days now, if you did 3 hours a day then how would they staff the rest of the shift)?
When I had a similar situation I took a sabbatical, not ideal as it was unpaid but it was the only way I could keep my job. Saying that, it co-incided with lockdown and a downturn in work so they didn't need to get anyone to fill in for me.

Bed pans and a commode.. Easily bought on line and delivered the next day. Or even adult nappies.
Get her to wear a skirt, not too much fabric as waftly summer skirts are no good, and no knickers on days she will need more help to get to the loo, much easier to manage than knickers and jogging trousers or leggings
Or you could resign
It is really tough but employers have a right to get the time and labour they pay for.
depends on how much you need you job.

Have you used all your unpaid parental leave? How old is your teenager? Are they under 18?

From the information you’ve given it doesn’t really sound like your Employer is in the wrong with their stance but certainly you should contact your Union to help with any options that may be available.

What age is your daughter? 13 is very different from 19 in terms of how much she can help herself/ accept that you need to work and sensibly discuss work arounds for her care.

What is it exactly you are providing for your daughter? Would a bed pan or inco pants work. I think she may well have to accept other carers if not, in the same way elderly people do. She may well be more reasonable than some of them!

It reads like you've been off since September? Or have you been at work on and off?

Unfortunately it sounds like your daughter will have to accept help from other people, not just you.

In an early years setting they will have ratios to stick to. It doesn't really sound like they are in the wrong here, but worth checking in with your union.

You can take up to 18 weeks of unpaid parental leave. Have you already taken all that?!?!?

If you only work 15 hours a week, then assuming that's 2 days a week, then using up 18 weeks of unpaid parental leave is surely not even possible since September?

Or are you wanting paid leave?

They are absolutely within their rights to refuse any paid leave but they cannot stop you taking unpaid parental leave.

Assuming you work a standard day like 8-5pm with an hour for lunch:

I don't think it's unreasonable to leave your teenage daughter with snacks, books and a TV remote for four hours at a time. It's two films and a screen break.

Maybe counter and ask of they will let you split your lunch break?

Just to clarify the 18 weeks is over the whole of the child’s 18 years not 18 weeks every year! It is usually capped at 4 weeks per year

Plenty of elderly adults have reduced mobility and continence issues and they are expected to cope on 2x visits from a carer per day.
Your teenagers situation is temporary, and tbh in this situation she can't afford to be fussy about who cares for her as you are at the point where you could lose your job, she will have to accept dad helping her, siblings, anyone else you can ask really. If I had a friend lived nearby (a few min away) in this situation I'd offer to pop round a couple of times in the day if I was wfh to just help her daughter get to the loo or to make her a cuppa.

I was thinking that is a massive amount of leave that I have never heard of before!

This. If there are other people who can help. She has to let them.

But your employer doesn’t have to agree to it when you want it - they can rearrange it within a certain time frame.

I would also like to know how old the OPs daughter is? A 15 year old girl will be fine for a couple of hours at home twice a week. Help her to the loo before you go and set her up with drinks and snacks and come back at lunch time