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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found where ex is… stop me getting on a plane tomorrow to confront him.

79 replies

ProvoPrincess · 05/05/2026 15:12

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

OP posts:
IsitaHatOrACat · 05/05/2026 15:14

You need to leave him to his choices.
You are understandably angry about this but no good can come from focusing on this.
Concentrate your energy and time on you and your daughter instead.

Excited101 · 05/05/2026 15:16

No good will come of it op. How you picture it going in your head will be the opposite of how it would actually go. Let it go, be the bigger person- having this person in your life again will only make it worse and confronting him will give him the opportunity to laugh at you.

Decacaffeinatednow · 05/05/2026 15:18

What good will that do for anyone? Least of all your daughter.

Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2026 15:19

So this man left you 11 years ago?? Why are you still giving this man or his family any headspace. What will you gain by tracking him down? Will it be worth the money it’s going to cost you and the distress and humiliation that you will endure upon seeing him. If it is in fact him - this seems unclear.
Stop seeing your ex in-laws and just enjoy your lovely Dd and the life you have that is so much better because this dick is not a part of it.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/05/2026 15:21

Don’t do it. You will regret it if you do.

turkeyboots · 05/05/2026 15:21

It won't help and will stress your DC. Hes the one missing out on having her in his life.

ScholesPanda · 05/05/2026 15:22

How will that help?

What will you do if he gets up and walks out or just laughs at you?

He a shit, but I don't see this going well for you.

outerspacepotato · 05/05/2026 15:23

This happened 10ish years ago. It sounds like you haven't moved on much if your feelings are still this strong.

Write him a burn letter saying everything you want to say and burn it and let that anger and resentment go and move on. He's a piece of shit but you got your daughter so one good thing happened.

BudgetBuster · 05/05/2026 15:24

That would 100% just make everything worse for your child!
Why would you confront a man who clearly wants nothing to do with you or your shared child, literally fled the country. What good can that do for your child potentially getting yourself worked up over this loser?

Are you still married?

OneCoralGoose · 05/05/2026 15:25

I know so many deadbeats and the mams know exactly where they live and it makes no difference you cant force a relationship. even with you ex in laws unless they want to bond what is the point. why force this who benefits from him knowing you still give him head space

middleagedandinarage · 05/05/2026 15:26

You and your DC are better without him. He obviously has no desire to be a father, I don't see how you would achieve anything by going to see/speak to him

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/05/2026 15:27

Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2026 15:19

So this man left you 11 years ago?? Why are you still giving this man or his family any headspace. What will you gain by tracking him down? Will it be worth the money it’s going to cost you and the distress and humiliation that you will endure upon seeing him. If it is in fact him - this seems unclear.
Stop seeing your ex in-laws and just enjoy your lovely Dd and the life you have that is so much better because this dick is not a part of it.

This. Let it go.

Heylittlesongbird · 05/05/2026 15:28

Don’t waste your time, your money or your emotions.

TT4eva82 · 05/05/2026 15:30

I wouldn’t want to see him but why should he just walk away, I take it he doesn’t pay maintenance?

SlayTheJAway · 05/05/2026 15:36

I am sorry he is such a prick but…in the kindest way…don’t be daft. It would achieve less than nothing. You can’t make a wanker into a decent human. And you definitely can’t do it by accosting him at his home or business or in public.

Happyjoe · 05/05/2026 15:37

You'll not change him, it would be a hugely upsetting and frustrating meeting, even if he were to talk to you.

Do your best to let him go, all the disappointment and hurt he caused and his family. You have an amazing child, that's what you should be thinking of as a result of your relationship, a lovely shining star out of all the mess.

InterIgnis · 05/05/2026 15:38

You don’t know it’s him. It’s been 11 years, and neither you nor your mother know what he currently looks like. The man your cousin met may simply just bear a resemblance to him. You could spend money and emotional energy going to confront him only to find out you’re confronting a complete stranger.

If it is him, it’s unlikely that he’ll care to listen to or engage with you.

Passaggressfedup · 05/05/2026 15:38

Confronting about what? If he thinks you trapped him and wanting nothing with the child, what would talking to him about it, trapping him into the discussion is going to achieve?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2026 15:40

YANBU fo want to. But to do it, no. Can you get maintenance from him?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 05/05/2026 15:41

TT4eva82 · 05/05/2026 15:30

I wouldn’t want to see him but why should he just walk away, I take it he doesn’t pay maintenance?

I was wondering this too. Ran away, so he doesn’t have to pay.

Velvetgoldmine · 05/05/2026 15:44

And then what? If you just want to vent, write a letter and burn it or give to his family to pass on. There is nothing to be gained from a confrontation, you can't control or influence what he does. It is pointless and you will just be giving yourself more pain. Move on, don't look back.

jimbort · 05/05/2026 15:46

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

I think this is the most important bit of your post. You have single handedly raised your child to be a lovely human being. Well done! It’s not easy. And who’s to say what your child would be like with this waste of space head fuck in their life. People who do shitty things like he has done- it is a really shitty person who walks away from their own child - are highly unlikely to see the error of their ways or want to be told what they have done is wrong. He would most likely just run away seeing as how that is his way of dealing with things he doesn’t want to deal with. Just keep being the sort of mum that raises their child well and loves them. That’s all that matters. I know it’s unfair but at the end of the day you have what’s most important. Your child and your decency. Your ex sounds like someone who is not emotionally equipped to look after a house plant let alone be a father. Well done for doing that on your own. It’s a formidable achievement

Hellometime · 05/05/2026 15:50

I’d let sleeping dogs lie. Your dc will see him for what he is abandoning them and no maintenance paid. Don’t sugarcoat it if they ask.
If you confront him he has parental responsibility and could make life difficult just to be an arse eg registering them for another school, saying they can’t go on trips etc.

Lilactimes · 05/05/2026 15:51

jimbort · 05/05/2026 15:46

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

I think this is the most important bit of your post. You have single handedly raised your child to be a lovely human being. Well done! It’s not easy. And who’s to say what your child would be like with this waste of space head fuck in their life. People who do shitty things like he has done- it is a really shitty person who walks away from their own child - are highly unlikely to see the error of their ways or want to be told what they have done is wrong. He would most likely just run away seeing as how that is his way of dealing with things he doesn’t want to deal with. Just keep being the sort of mum that raises their child well and loves them. That’s all that matters. I know it’s unfair but at the end of the day you have what’s most important. Your child and your decency. Your ex sounds like someone who is not emotionally equipped to look after a house plant let alone be a father. Well done for doing that on your own. It’s a formidable achievement

@ProvoPrincess I second this @jimbort .
the ex is missing out - you've done so well raising a children your own.
keep doing what you're doing x x

ThatLilacTiger · 05/05/2026 15:55

I feel like this should go without saying but no, you shouldn't hunt down your ex from over a decade ago to a foreign country and drop everything to fly out there and harass them. Hope that helps.