Sorry, this is a long one.
I (38f) had been friends with a guy (41m) since I was about 15. He was always interested in me, but the timing never seemed right. He once paid the back taxes on the house of a relative of mine that he never met just for me so she could keep her house (which happened to be the house I grew up in). He eventually got married and had 2 kids. We didn't talk for about 5 years or so, as I didn't think it was appropriate. He then got a divorce. Around the time he was divorcing, he came back into my life (we ended up reconnecting through my relative, who was selling the house and wanted to give him the money back).
Ultimately, we got together but broke up about year later. I have not explained to him my reasons for breaking up and I've been ignoring his calls and texts. Here are my reasons (basically in order of importance):
- I, like a responsible adult, insisted on us getting tested for STDs before continuing any unprotected activities. This was very important to me because I had a childhood friend die of AIDS, a friend's bf cheated and got HIV and almost gave it to here, and, most importantly, I was SA'd by a man who had HIV (I am clean though). I am therefore paranoid about STIs. I was celibate for like 10 years before we got together. I told him this and he's aware of my trauma. He never got tested.
- My mother was murdered. He made a big show about how he would be there for me and would come to the funeral but just had to check with his boss. It took 3 weeks to schedule it because it was crime and evidence needed to be collected, etc. During that time, I asked him repeatedly when he would by flying in and what his plans were (he's out of the country a lot for work). I asked him at least 4 times, to the point where I felt like I was hounding him while I'm trying to grieve. I finally got an answer the day before the funeral when he said he couldn't get off work. He didn't even send a card.
3). Never knew who my dad was. I went on AncestryDNA in 2018 to hopefully find him. Literally 2 weeks after my mother's funeral, we matched! I told him about, all excitedly. His reaction was "that's cool, I guess..." And then for the next month didn't ask me a single question about it. My father and friends and family members kept asking me what my boyfriend thought of it all, and I kept saying I didn't know. We hadn't spoken about it. I finally broke up with him when I realized that.
- My mother's funeral was 4 days before my birthday. He was still out of the country but never called or texted to wish me happy birthday. I initiated the contact that day and told him that it was hard to celebrate because of what happened with my mom.
Other reasons....
5) I always had to travel to wherever he was to see him (using my PTO and my money to travel). He never ONCE came to see me.
6) I have narcolepsy and struggle with daytime sleepiness. So I have a hard time staying awake for work. I asked him not to call or text me in the middle of the night and respect my sleep. He would still call and text at 2-3 am. I know he was in a different time zone, but he could have looked up what time it was where I am.
7) I also asked him not to call or text me during working hours. He still did.
8) When I told him I thought we should take a break from dating (haven't yet told him the reasons why), his first response was to attack me, saying he didn't think I was serious about him (despite me breaking my 10-yr celibacy due to trauma for him) because every time he called, I wouldn't be available or would have an attitude (see reasons #6 and 7 as to why I had an attitude - and for the record, I always called him back, but he would take days or weeks to call or text me back when he was away but then love bomb me when he was back)
9) When he called (during work hours) to discuss it, I told him I didn't want to talk about it then, but I'd be available between noon and 1 when I took my lunch. I called him twice during that hour and texted once. He never responded. Didn't hear from him again until the following week when he texted "miss u" which I ignored.
10) A week later, he accused me of ghosting him. I said that's rich coming from you. He claimed I never picked up and then he left the country, but he was back and wanted to discuss it. I told him he was in the country the day he called to talk about it originally during work hours. I called on my lunch as I said I would and he disappeared for a week. He didn't respond to that.
11) Disappeared again for another week and then texted me "u up?" at 10:00 pm. I've been ignoring him every since.
12) He would just generally claim to have called or texted whenever I accused him of being absent, but my call log or texts wouldn't show anything, so I always felt like I was being gaslit.
Given our over 20-year friendship, AIBU for ignoring him?